


Come Back Down

by HollyGoPossumlovesJ2



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxious Jensen, Caretaker Jensen, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friendship to Lovers, Graphic depiction of anxiety, Hurt Jensen, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Jensen in love, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Slow Burn, Slow burn but lots of sex after, Smut, Suspense, Trauma related to a car accident, Trouble dealing with anxiety, Troubled Marriage, WIP, liberties taken with medication and medical procedures, medication for anxiety, this is not a how to guide guys, trouble conceiving
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2018-08-27 21:09:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 73,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8416783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollyGoPossumlovesJ2/pseuds/HollyGoPossumlovesJ2
Summary: This is a story about how Jensen Ackles handles his life when things are definitely not going his way. From his point of view, he's confronted with threats of separation and divorce from Danneel, a new set of feelings for a life long friend, and trying to keep the devastating anxiety disorder he's tried to keep crammed down deep from seeing the light of day. With those and the little (huge) surprises he encounters along the way, how will he learn to survive it all?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The song this fic is based on and quoted in this first chapter is Name by the Goo Goo Dolls. This is my first time posting here, so if I screw something up royally feel free to let me know! Feedback is adored! Enjoy!

Hate. Negativity. Judgement. You try to ignore it until you can’t anymore. When the volume is just so high that you drown in it. Instead of dismissing each insult that you know deep down is incredibly stupid as they come, you let them stack up like a damn mountain until it just avalanches.

That’s how a petty argument turns into an all out fist fight. Its how production is suspended for two weeks just so you can get your shit together and you end up sitting on the couch in your apartment with an ice pack on your face.

Which, coincidentally, is where I found myself one Monday night. We were in the middle of Season 11 production and every little annoying habit of Jared’s caused what little patience I had left to fray. In Jared’s defense, it wasn’t entirely his fault that he was missing his lines more than usual. He was under the same stress that I was involving the show. It still wasn’t really his fault when make up had to retouch every two minutes because it was freakin hot outside. The man was just a mass production of sweat.

Plus, Danneel and I had managed one hell of a fight about the allocation of my time on one of our nightly phone calls. That had been a week ago. Then, first thing this morning, I received a text from her telling me she wanted a break. She wanted to separate. I knew I needed to call her so that we could talk. I knew I needed to try to salvage our marriage before things got out of hand. But I just felt an immense weight on me like I was slowly being buried alive.

On top of that, the show’s future was on the line. The station executives were questioning the story line stating that the ratings were down. Plus, as much as I tried to stay away from reading anything on the internet, the bad reviews found a way back to me. That was mixed in with the opinions of people who judged freely without even knowing who they were cutting down.

It seemed so trivial when you gave voice to the reasons you were feeling the way you did. However, it didn’t matter how the poisonous words wormed their way in. The point was that they were there, effecting every move that you made down to what you decided to eat. Or not to eat as the case may be. According to the internet I was fat, homophobic and simultaneously heavily closeted. Oh, and a right wing Republican out to ruin everyone’s lives just because I refused to answer questions that made me uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable because one, believe it or not, I was still incredibly shy. In addition to that, I was just very private. I liked to keep my business to myself because it was just that… It was my business. Plus, any type of opinion I had, good or bad, could influence people’s opinion’s of the show. My Mom had taught me never to talk politics or religion in polite company. It was just a good rule to avoid controversy.

Then, there were the attacks on other people just for their mere association with me. My wife, according to fans, (Or non fans as the case may be) was a frigid bitch who was getting in the way of my romantic relationship with Jared. Oh, and one of my oldest friends from home, y/n, she was the other woman. A homewrecker on all accounts.

Above all, it was the attacks against the people that I loved that tended to hurt the most. Danneel wasn’t anywhere close to the person they vilified. Sure, she’d managed to master a resting bitch face to rival all bitch faces, but she was my biggest support. Until now, that is. In her defense, there was only so much a person could take and she’d taken a lot. It appeared now that I’d just leaned too much and not been there for her in equal amounts.

I’d never felt more alone than I did right now sitting in the dark. It was all my fault. I needed a break and I needed to stop living with all of these bad things swirling in my brain. It was suffocating. And, as much as I wanted and needed to fix things with my wife, I wasn’t in the right mindset to do so. I mean, I’d punched Jared today. He was another one of my staunchest supporters and I’d busted his lip.

I needed a piece of home without actually going home. Going to Austin and being under the scrutiny of Danneel and my family would be too much. I needed someone who had a little distance from the situation, but knew what the hell was going on. With that in mind, I booked a flight to Cheyenne Wyoming and started packing a bag. Somehow, just the idea of y/n started to alleviate the tightness that had my entire body strung like a bow. She was the one person I knew I could count on to be on my side. My touch stone. Its not that she was Mother Theresa. Our friendship had just always been equal give and take.

I guess to understand you have to know a little bit about her. Y/n’s story started out a tragic one, but she’d managed to become the strongest person I’d ever met. Her Mom just happened to be my Mom’s oldest friend and she’d frequented the house quite often. However, she was a couple years younger than me so I didn’t spend a lot of time with her until after it happened.

She was 15 and staying with us when she woke up shrieking from the couch in our living room. Her parents had left her with us while they went on a trip to Europe for their 20th anniversary. It was two hours later, Y/N still reeling from her nightmare, that we’d received a phone call from our Pastor. There had been an accident involving an 18 wheeler. They’d died on impact. She never would get over the randomness of her parents accidental death.

She didn’t cry for a week. She ate just enough to keep my mother off of her back and spent most of her time alone, listening to her headphones. She was borderline catatonic and even my parents had given up trying to get her to talk about how she was feeling. One night, while my parents were at a church function, I found her outside beneath an old oak tree in our back yard. She liked to go off to be alone. I felt a little guilty when I made her jump as I pulled the headphones off of her ears to put one up to my ear. She had Goo Goo Doll’s Black Balloon on repeat.

“Hm. Good song.” I’d sat down a couple of feet away from her and pulled my Dad’s guitar into my lap. She didn’t talk for a long time but she watched as I tried to figure out the right chords to the song. I was still learning guitar from my father back then. After she’d watched me strike the wrong chords over and over she’d cracked a small smile. “Try this one.” She’d skipped the cd ahead a few until a song called Name started to drift up. It was much more acoustic friendly.

When I finally got the hang of it a little color had returned to her pale face and she began to sing softly. She’d never be a pop icon, but she had a soft, sweet voice that rose in confidence the more she sang the lyrics. She poured her heart out and I was happy to give her the music to back her up.

Even though the moment passed me by, I still can’t turn away  
All the dreams you never thought you’d lose got tossed along the way  
Letters that you never meant to send get lost or thrown away  
Now we’re grown up orphans that never knew their names  
We don’t belong to no one  
That’s a shame  
You could hide beside me, maybe for awhile,  
and I won’t tell no one your name  
And I won’t tell ‘em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose, the past is never far  
And did you lose yourself somewhere out there?  
Did you get to be a star?  
Don’t make you sad to know that life is more than who you are?  
Grew up way too fast and now there’s nothing to believe  
Reruns all become our history  
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio,  
And I won’t tell 'em your name  
And I won’t tell 'em your name  
And I won’t tell 'em your name

I think about you all the time, but I don’t need the same  
It’s lonely where you are  
Come back down and I won’t tell 'em your name

We did this many times over the course of a week or two before she felt she could talk. And when she did, she talked to me about everything. And eventually, she cried. She spent the summer with us before going to live with her Aunt in San Antonio. The distance didn’t keep us apart though. From there on out we kept in touch at all costs. It was in forging this relationship that I finally found that fabled respite that I had a hard time finding outside of family. It was as easy as breathing and I didn’t have to guard myself so much.

We’d grown up a lot since then. Each of us with our own issues but both of us confident in the fact that we had each others backs no matter what. I’d gone my own way into acting and she’d gone to photography school. I’d dealt with rejection early on horribly and she’d had her share of rough patches with life. Somehow, no matter the distance, we’d managed to help each other through. She’d moved on to be a wildlife photographer, traveling to exotic locations to photograph some of the most dangerous predators known to man. You wouldn’t believe how close she’d gotten and had the photographs to prove it. I had a few hanging up in my home in Austin and also in my trailer on set. She was good at what she did.

I knew showing up like this could turn out catastrophic, but I knew she was home for a few months before she was shipping back off to Siberia to photograph the ever dwindling population of Siberian tigers for National Geographic. The need to feel some kind of comfort, to have a break from the shitfest that was my life right now was too great to think I’d be an imposition. I didn’t even call until I was standing on her porch and luckily she’d answered on the second ring.

“Hey!” She sounded happy and the sound of her voice brought a smile to my face automatically.

“Hey there, Kiddo! You got a minute?”

“Of course, just give me a sec. I just heard someone pull up.”

I bit my lip in anticipation, leaning against the railing of her wrap around porch and crossing my ankles. I heard her squeak and the phone disconnected as she threw the door open. “Holy shit! Jen!” She crossed the distance then quickly and wrapped me in a tight hug. I could hardly untangle my arms to return the embrace.

“Hey.” At least there was something still right in my life. I felt my smile stretching my face painfully. She still smelled like the wisteria that used to grow around my old house. She had her hair down and I knew that it was her shampoo that smelled so damn good. She was wearing a Def Leppard t shirt and a pair of pink gym shorts. I’d heard Danneel gripe one time about y/n’s complete and total lack of fashion sense before. However, it was comfort that y/n was most concerned about and she hardly dressed to impress anyone except herself.

She pulled back to level me with an appraising look, her focus on the eye with a blackening shadow across it. “Is everything okay?”

She knew that I was usually reserved and hardly ever did anything of my own accord in the vein of spontaneity. I didn’t explain right away, unwilling to allow the bad to invade what had to be my only bright spot at the moment. I’d already alienated everyone else. She invited me in, grabbing my bag from the stairs where I’d dropped it. Once she realized that I planned to stay for a little while she set me up in her guest bedroom. This room was like her symbolic childhood home. Its where all of her pop culture posters and horse collectables came to live. She had various awards for her work displayed on a shelf in the corner. Almost stuffed to the side like an after thought.

“Hey, y/n/n!” She appeared in the doorway, a suspecting smile on her face like she knew exactly what I was going to say. “Why do you have a Supernatural poster in your guest bedroom?”

She didn’t even blush, “I’m a fan. What do you want from me?” She shrugged, “Plus, I know one of the actors. He had the audacity to sign all of my Supernatural DVDs. He scribbled all of the freakin covers. He’s a complete asshat.”

Yeah, so I’d signed them all. I knew she’d never do anything with them, but she was slightly peeved that I’d drawn various rude pictures and maybe a poop emoji on some of them when I’d been bored. Now, I was planning the same fate for that stupid Season 9 poster that was now staring down at me. “This is gonna have to go while I’m here. I’m just sayin.”

“Tired of looking at your own stupidly pretty face? And no! Do you know how long I had to wait in line to get Misha, Jared and Mark to sign that?” She stood in front of it, spreading her arms wide like she was protecting her most valuable possession.

Her expression begged defiance. It made me laugh, “Uh, how about you didn’t have to wait at all. And, yes, this is going down. Right now.” I started to reach above her, but she used the distance to put her head down and tackle me. I fell side first into the guest bed, nearly bouncing us both on the floor. “Really?” She was laughing hard when I pushed back, pinning her arms above her.

She used her feet to push against my stomach which caused my grip to loosen but I recovered by digging my fingers into her sides. “No! Fuck!” She was shrieking and writhing trying to remove herself from my evil grasp. Her feet were kicking out and I should’ve seen it coming when one of them connected with my crotch and sent me rolling off the bed.

She peered over the edge of the bed, red faced and laughing. “I’m sorry!” She clamped a hand over her mouth to try to stifle more laughter. She sat down next to me, her hand on my shoulder but she was still laughing.

“Asshole.” I grumbled, still unable to sit up just yet.

After that we spent most of the day hanging out while she did little chores around her house. I liked that she could carry on with her routine without me getting in the way. It was in the act of being able to fit seamlessly into her day that allowed me the confidence to start to spill. “So, I guess you wanna know why I’m here?” I sighed, leaning against the counter as she chopped veggies for a salad. The day had passed by quickly as I’d caught up on her life and she was preparing dinner.

“Well… I assume you didn’t run into a closed door with a view finder again.” She shrugged as she referenced the now throbbing black eye that I was sporting.

“God, I wish.” I looked down at my socked feet, feeling an embarrassed blush to rise to my cheeks. “I’ve been an asshole, y/n/n.”

She smiled over her shoulder encouragingly, “I’m sure you’re not the only one.”

See? Always on my side, even when I didn’t quite deserve it. I explained the situation on set and how tensions were high, saving my argument with Danneel for last. The fact that Danneel had suggested taking a break seemed to personally affront y/n.

“What?” She stopped stirring the spaghetti noodles that were boiling on the stove to give me her undivided attention. Her arms were crossed against her chest and she looked at me with a cocked eye brow. “You guys have only been married for 6 years and she wants a break because she doesn’t see you enough?” Her irritation was incredibly satisfying, but I felt that I needed to paint the entire story for her.

“Its not her fault.” I took a deep breath, gearing myself up for divulging something that I hadn’t been able to talk to anyone else about. “She wants a baby… And we’ve been tryin’… For at least a year now, like actively trying. No luck.” I was still unable to look up from my feet. It was kind of embarrassing because Jared and Gen already had two kids and I couldn’t even provide my wife with just the one child that she so desperately craved. The one thing that would make all of this time that we spent apart okay.

This turn of the conversation seemed to make her a little uncomfortable and she turned back around to the stove before she spoke. “Well, have you guys gone to a fertility clinic? Made sure all the parts still… you know… work?”

Ugh. “Yes, everything works apparently…” I’m not sure my face could get any more red. “I spend so much time away for Supernatural, but its not like its going to last forever. And you’d think I’d be able to just give her this one thing, ya know? Then she wouldn’t feel so alone all the time.”

“Hey, whoa!” She was still turned away from me, but obviously perturbed about something. She launched into a campaign stating that she knew what she was getting into when she married me. That the answer was not adding another life to their marriage if there was already trouble. “Maybe that’s why its not happening right now, Jen. Like you said, there’s a formula. Maybe all the variables aren’t adding up.”

I grunted stupidly in response. She did not just use a something I said at a Con against me. Could it really be that simple? That it was simply not time for us to have a child right now. It did nothing to assuage my guilt, “I haven’t exactly the best husband in the world.”

She drained the noodles and took the sauce off of the stove before she turned back to face me. It surprised me when her hands came to hold my upper arms in an affirming grip. It forced me to look and her y/c/e sparkled up at me. “I love Danneel. I think you guys are great together, but I feel like you’ve always been too hard on yourself. You take the fall for a lot of stuff that isn’t exactly all of your fault. You, and I need you to listen to me… Are you listening?”

She was smiling brightly at me and I had no choice but to listen. So, I nodded. “I’m listening.” I supplied when her eyes widened a little.

“Good. This might sting a little, but you need to hear it.”

Oh Christ on a cracker.

“You let the people you love run all over you, Jensen. Your family, Danneel, your friends… You bend over backwards to make everyone happy and you’re kind of easy to take advantage of.”

“Well, that’s a shitty thing to say.” Easy to take advantage of?

“You’re a good friend. The fact that I know if I were ever in real trouble that you would drop everything and help me attests to that. I love that about you and I don’t know where I’d be without you. But, you can’t just go around putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. You need time to process and relax. You’ve been going non stop for years now.” She managed eye contact for a few more moments before she busied herself with dishing out a couple of plates. Dinner was mostly quiet as I let what she’d said tumble around in my mind to join all the other problems up there. However, and I know this is what she meant for it to do, I found myself reviewing my relationships. Did I really let people take advantage of me?

When I said good night she had the grace to look a little guilty but she wouldn’t take the words back. To say I didn’t get much sleep that night would be an understatement.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen is enjoying his time with Y/N, but is starting to find himself feeling differently about her. He's able to salvage some of his relationships while others are still in trouble.

The next morning, well mid morning around 10 am, went as well as could be expected for two morning dysfunctionals. I heard her up and about stumbling down the hallway in an undoubtedly a hazy fog. I heard her stub something against the door jamb across the hall and mutter a few heated curses before it went quiet again. I laid there for a few minutes trying to clear the fog. Today I needed to call Danneel and try to salvage our relationship. I could be mad and miss her too. That was a true testament of how much I loved her. The truth was, and I’d only really thought about it objectively because of Y/n’s insight, I had actually considered the possibility of letting the show go in favor of being home more. Maybe I’d stop going to the conventions to get some extra time. I was willing to let go what had become pretty vital to my success. Then the thought of disappointing Jared or any of the crew just made me sick. But, I’d promised to take care of Danneel when I signed that marriage license. She was my responsibility and I was failing her.

The smell of rich coffee finally made its way into my room and I drug myself into a sitting position. I kind of resented that Y/n’s guest room window allowed the sun to brightly shine through. The room was colored in soft blue colors down to the comforter that I’d just kicked off. It was a homey, comforting room and I kind of just wanted to stay here and hide. At least I’d managed to hide that damn poster.

I followed the scent into her kitchen where she was sitting at the table. Upon squinting a little further I realized she was looking out of the window with a glazed over expression. I poured some dark looking coffee into the cup she had left out for me and sat next to her. I was loathe to interrupt her view of the pasture behind her house. It seemed to stretch out for several green, flat miles. The grass shimmered in a light breeze amongst a few horses that grazed peacefully. It was a comfortable silence that we fell into, both of us drawn to the view before us outside. That was until I took my first reverent sip of coffee and nearly choked. “Christ all mighty, y/n!” The coffee was so strong that I felt it should be the viscosity of motor oil. I shot up to run a little cold water into my cup and when I turned back around she was biting her lip against what I was fairly certain would be a laugh. I’m glad I amused someone.

“Sorry.” She shrugged. She didn’t seem the least bit sorry and I cocked an eye brow in irritation. She wasn’t in the least bit sorry for the way she destroyed coffee with sugar and milk. My guess is that she had to make it strong to maintain the coffee taste. I sat back down, letting a shiver of revoltion pass through me. “God, you big baby. Its coffee!”

“That is not coffee. That is nuclear!” I huffed out a laugh at her answering indignant expression.

Our laughter died down and she leveled me with an inquiring look, “What do you wanna do today fucktard?”

I let what could be constrewn as an insult roll of my shoulders and took it as it was meant. To y/n, it was a term of endearment. I shrugged, “I dunno. I didn’t really come with a plan, obviously.” It was a little stressful for me to not have a plan, but I’d manage. My only focus was getting my shit together and just mere proximity to y/n had gone a long way to ground me.

“Well.” She stood up to make her second cup of coffee and I watched as she carefully measured her sugar and milk into her large cup. “We don’t have to do anything. However, I have no food for breakfast. So, I was thinking maybe we could go down the street to Eggs Up Cafe.” Then she added with a crooked grin. “How long has it been since you’ve been on a horse?”

Uh… On a non chaperoned trail ride? “Years.” The grin widened across her face in amusement.

“When did you become such a city boy, Jensen? Afraid to get a little dirty?”

Sure. Go ahead. Goad me and see what happens. “I can still out ride you.” It was a lie, y/n was a natural on a horse, but it needed to be said.

We grabbed breakfast and came back to the barn. She boarded a few horses and told me she had someone come to stay while she was out of town. Like Siberia was just ‘out of town.’ Y/n had always loved horses and spent a lot of her time with them at her Aunt’s farm in San Antonio. On one visit I’d watch her training a young gelding in a round pen. Each time she got tossed into the dirt she got right back up.

So, the fact that she had horses of her own was no surprise to me. What did come as a surprise was the fact that she had a Chris Evans wanna be who helped her with barn chores and was in charge when she was away, Mike. They were awfully chummy and to my absolute horror he made her laugh hysterically. That was my damn job. Y/n had the radio playing in the background and it surprised me when she jumped up in complete elation. The song was 4 Minutes by Madonna and they both started to dance like they did this every day.

I felt like a complete tool standing there watching them with my arms crossed. She was shaking her hips in time with the music in a nearly perfect imitation of the music video. I couldn’t help it when I felt my chest puff out a little and my shoulders rolled back in an attempt to look my tallest. Then I caught myself before my mouth opened. Y/n wasn’t mine. Danneel was. Y/n was just my friend. So, why did it make me physically ill to watch her be so close to him?

She must have sensed my awkwardness because she was quick to dance over to me and start singing. “C'mon, J! You’re not a prude!” She shrieked when Mike grabbed her around the waist from behind and spun her around. Her face was flush and her smile was blinding. He made her happy. This revelation made my chest twist uncomfortably.

I still didn’t dance, too busy internalizing just what the hell had just transpired in my head. However, soon the torment was over and after we saddled the horses we were on a 5 mile trail on her property. I had to admit, it felt good to be back on a horse again. Especially since I wasn’t being watched like a hawk by some guide who was terrified I would fall off and sue. It wasn’t without its scenery. The shade of the trees made the ride breezy and cool. The trail was mostly flat until we reached the river. It was cutting through a ravine and I watched as y/n navigated it with a balanced ease, the horse’s feet plunging through the chest deep water. There wasn’t a heavy current, but I panicked when her horse pitched forward. The horse thrashed out in panic and y/n slid off quickly. Both of them disappeared beneath the surface.

I had already swung down off of the horse with the grace of masterless puppet when she resurfaced. Y/n’s horse had already made it to the opposite bank, snorting water from his nose. By the time she reached the edge she was laughing. “Are you okay?!” Adrenaline still surged through me even though she was out of danger and I stood stupidly at the water’s edge.

“’m fine!” She pulled herself up and shot me a bright smile before she started giving her horse a once over. She ran her hands over the horses legs with practiced ease. She was talking soft, reassuring words but I was too far away to hear them. She didn’t turn back to me until she was satisfied that her horse was fine. “You might wanna stay to the left. That hole was deep!” She was pushing the hair from her face and wringing out her clothes now. It was a good thing that she had decided to be easy on me with a short trail.

“Uh, yeah…” I shook my head at her quick recovery. Of course, I didn’t really understand why I was still surprised. Y/n always recovered quickly. In fact, a few years ago something similar happened but there was no water to catch her fall, just her hand. We rode 10 more miles that day and at the end she informed me that 'perhaps I should have this looked at’ as she held her warped wrist up. She’d had a broken wrist the entire time and never said a fucking word. “Are you sure you’re okay?” I prompted, studying her as she busied herself by fussing over the saddle straps and righting the bridle that had slipped over the horses head.

“I’m fine. C'mon, lets go!” She had a way of getting a little irate when she felt like she was being babied.

“Okay, impatient.” I grumbled, shoved my foot into the stirrup, and bounced a couple of times on one foot before I hauled my ass back up into the saddle. But hey, at least I didn’t need a stool. I did have some dignity.

I managed to make it across the water and smiled brightly. “Hey, look who stayed on the horse!” I taunted and she stuck her tongue out at me. “Oh, that’s mature. How old are you now? 35?”

“Never as old as you, old man!” With that she gave her horse an nudge and loped away. My horse was quick to follow behind her as I struggled to hang on. My ass was going to be so sore.

The rest of the ride was quiet and I enjoyed the peaceful scenery as it passed me by. It was easier to breathe here, air filling my lungs with ease for the first time in weeks. The feeling was a little dizzying. I could see a storm approaching, but it was still miles away. The rain falling created a dark blue wall against the sky, flashes of lightening dancing from cloud to cloud. I had an urge to take a picture and I knew the feeling was probably ten fold for Y/n. She had an affinity for watching storms. We’d spent many quiet afternoons watching storms from the screened porch at home.

She beat me to the barn and was already dismounted and tending to her horse. Mike stopped helping her with the saddle to grab the reigns from my horse. He offered his hand to help me down. Hello! Offensive! “I’ve got it pal.” I grumbled and he reluctantly let go, shrugging his shoulders as I urged my horse up a few feet and didn’t waste any time hopping down. Suck on that, Cowboy.

After the horses were back in their stalls we made our way back into the house. Luckily, probably more lucky for him than me, Mike stayed outside. Freakin Captain America wanna be. I knew it was irrational, but I just didn’t like the guy. Okay, so he was authentic cowboy material with his worn cowboy boots and threadbare jeans. He seemed nice enough and y/n seemed to like him, but just… No.

She made a beeline for the refrigerator and then handed me a cold beer with a look of admonishment. “What?” I accepted the beer while trying to analyze just how much trouble I was in.

She twisted off the cap with a grimace, “Quit your macho-posturing. Mike’s a good guy.”

“I’m not posturing. You’re… posturing!” I took a long drink from the glass bottle to shut my mouth before I ventured a look in her direction again. She still didn’t look pleased. Her arms were crossed as she leaned against the counter. I felt my muscles sag in defeat. God I was tired. “Whatever.” I grumbled, unable to keep her in my sight. She was dry now but artfully rumpled. Her hair was falling out of her pony tail. I had to physically fight the urge to push a few wayward strands from her eyes. What was happening?

“I know you feel like you need to protect me like some psycho big brother, but I don’t need protection from Mike. He’s a decent person, you just have to get to know him.” Well I was absolutely transparent if she felt like she needed to defend him. It made me feel sick.

I suddenly had the need to be alone, to distance myself from her because it was getting borderline uncomfortable. It was new and foreign. I was always comfortable in her presence. What the fuck was going on? I took a deep breath, I’d chock it up to stress and leave it that. It was about time that I tried to alleviate some of the stressors that had lead me to run off in the first place.

I excused myself after I asked about towels for a shower. I needed to get the smell of horse off of me and I needed to get my shit together. I was going to call either Jared and Danneel before tomorrow and start to put some of my life back together.

By the time I was peeling off clothes, a deep ache had settled into the muscles of my legs and back. It was a good ache though. It told me that I actually did something with myself today. And God were my ass muscles sore as hell! I turned the water on as hot as I could stand it and stood under the spray for a long time. I reveled in how the water beat against my back and cascaded down the rest of me in a soothing, hot stream. The water was so hot that when I got out of the shower stall steam rose from my very ruddy skin and made the air I stepped into biting cold.

When I got back to my room the sun was beginning to set. It cast a dim, soft light through the window. I didn’t turn on any lights and settled down against the soft mattress. To be honest I didn’t want to call either of them, my heart beat picking up to a painfully rapid pace as I weighed the pros and cons of calling. Neither one of them had attempted to call me. Danneel I could understand. She’d dropped a bomb and would probably kill herself before she gave me the satisfaction of begging for a reaction. Jared usually texted me twenty times a day and maybe called three times on top of that. He had to be pretty pissed still.

I had to face the music some time, so I hit send. Y/n might be irritated with me at the moment, but I knew she’d be there if I needed her to be. I let out a weighted breath and tried to formulate an apology that was sincere as I waited. I was beginning to think that no one would answer, preparing to leave a message when he answered.

“Hey, man.” Jared sounded defeated and again I felt a little sick in knowing that I was at least partially responsible. He let the negativity get to him before I did, but he still managed to keep his fist from my face. I have one argument with my wife and my first instinct is to lash out. Jared has the patience of a saint.

Suddenly apologizing didn’t feel so hard after all, “I’m so sorry, Jay. There’s just no excuse-” My free hand was against my face as I sat hunched over on the side of the bed and my voice was a little muffled.

He cut me off with a laborious sigh, “No… I knew something was up. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”

“Dude, I punched you in the face! What do you have to be sorry for? Let’s just drop it okay?” Jared was just too damn nice for his own damn good. “How’s your face? What’s going on with you?”

He had the audacity to laugh at me, “Calm down, dude. My face is fine. How’s your eye? I didn’t exactly hold back.” God, I’d missed this idiot like nothing else. “How are you doin?”

“It fuckin hurt you bitch.” I grumbled good naturedly. Then, I filled him in on what had happened lately, including coming clean about the whole Danneel fiasco. I wasn’t really surprised that he had the same reaction as Y/n. Nor was he surprised that I’d ended up hiding in Wyoming.

“How’s she doing?” As if on cue I heard the radio turned up loud, chords of “Dazed and Confused” by Led Zeppelin vibrated through my closed door and I smiled.

“She’s apparently feeling dazed and confused and probably washing dishes at the sound of it.”

“What?” Jared was highly confused by my summary.

“Nothing. She’s doing great out here. Still taking great pictures. Getting all chummy with this stupid cowboy guy who dances to damn Madonna.” I couldn’t keep the bitterness out of my tone.

“What?” He asked again intelligently, “She’s dating a cowboy who dances to Madonna?”

“No, they’re not dating…” Were they dating?? Suddenly I found myself replaying the events of this afternoon. She didn’t look like she was interested in him… Although she had gotten awfully close when they were dancing like idiots in the hallway of the barn, a big crazy smile on her face.

“Well that’s probably good for her then. Sounds like dude should be singing YMCA in a tutu.”

The picture was absurd and it brought out a startled laugh as my mind still grappled with the idea that Y/n had some interest in this guy. It didn’t occur to me until later when I’d gotten off of the phone that I really shouldn’t care so much. It had to be because I was just lonely without Danneel. It had now been over 48 hours since I’d spoken to her and that fact made my jaw clinch tight. What would I do if I couldn’t fix this? I’d fixed one problem but couldn’t help but feel I’d created another one. What was I going to do?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen is still having issues. Add to it a not so happy trip down memory lane and a huge failure of his immune system and well... Life sucks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some drama coming... Also, this in no way reflects how I think Danneel would actually behave. So, no hate for her at all. Just a bit of angsty fiction. : )

I must’ve dozed off because I woke up startled, my phone flying off of my chest to clatter to the ground. Y/n was beating on the door. “What?!”

“Hey, are you dead in there? You locked the damn door.” She sounded just as irritated as I felt. “Stop moping around and get out here!” I heard her bare feet smack against the wooden floor of the hall as she walked away.

It was still night time when I started to move in earnest and I realized how freakin stiff my muscles were. Oh God, I was getting too old for this shit. When did that happen? I drug myself up into a sitting position and collected my phone. I deduced that it was still in working order. Thankfully.

I didn’t find her in the kitchen, but helped myself to another beer before I searched further. I followed the music out to the front porch where I found her nursing her own beer in a rocking chair. “Hey, what’s up?” I plopped down in the chair next to her.

“Nothing. You were just in there for hours. I was kind of getting a bit worried about you.” She wasn’t looking directly at me when she talked, her focus ahead of her. She seemed a little tired as well and I wondered if she were feeling as old as I did at this moment.

The night sounds of Wyoming engulfed us as I quietly observed. When I was younger I’d decided that Y/n was beautiful in a quiet, under appreciated way. She’d always had long hair that fell beneath her shoulders. Y/c/e, bright eyes that were always soulful and seemed wise beyond her age. But now as I sat there next to her, I noted the fullness of her bottom lip. The perfect dip beneath it. Her neck was a long, elegant column of sun kissed skin that begged to be touched. She wasn’t that troubled teenager that had first stolen my heart anymore.

She had lost an extreme amount of weight while staying with us the Summer her parents had died, but she was never a stick. Y/n had nice curves that filled out her blue jeans and tank top quite nicely. She wasn’t a flirt. She was just as likely to level you with a look of death than to actually accept any kind of flattery. It made her uncomfortable and the thought made my chest ache strangely. She didn’t know how beautiful she really was.

I cleared my throat, shaking my head to clear the thoughts bouncing around in my head before she could find out what I was thinking. “I talked to Jared. Everything is fine there. I shouldn’t have expected anything different.”

She smiled a little, “Yeah, guys are usually easier. Us girls tend to be a little dramatic.”

“You’re not.” It wasn’t a lie. It was usually me who flew off the handle into left field and it was usually Y/n who had to pull me back in. There were many times that I’d called her while I was in Los Angeles, ready to pack it up and come home. No matter how difficult, she’d always found a way to put things into perspective. Even after I’d found myself being party to questionable things.

“Right.” She sounded a little self loathing, but she stood up before I could ask her about it. Her abrupt exit caught me off guard and I was about to call her on it… Then, there were tiny things pelting on my skin and scattering noisily over the concrete of the porch. “Better run!”

“What the fuck?” I stood, noticing in the pale light from the doorway that the little pellet type things were colorful. “Oh shit.” I grumbled before more candies scattered against my back.

“Skittle war bitch!” She yelled from somewhere in the front yard. It was night time but the full moon provided a white glow over the grass and cast soft shadows.

“Are you kidding me? Aren’t we a little too old for this?” My mind supplied the answer to how I was going to defend myself before I could voice it. There was a pound bag of Skittles sitting on the table between the chairs. How had I not seen that before? “You’re toast, kid. Toast!” I snagged the bag before I jumped the banister and threw myself behind my rental truck.

“Bring it, Grumpy! You sure you’re not still too stiff? Need another nap? Maybe a jazzy?” Those were fighting words. However I found myself smiling like an idiot as she laughed at her own insults. She was also giving away her location. I found myself crouched down low even though my muscles protested and I crept around from behind her as she stayed crouched behind a large bush turned towards the driveway. She didn’t hear me coming.

The sound of reaching into the skittles bag alerted her to my presence but I got several handfuls thrown in her direction before she could retaliate. “Gotcha!” She shrieked and stumbled a few times before she could turn around and fire off a few well placed hand fulls of her own. She was laughing hysterically as the little candies stung her skin. “Really, who came up with this shit?” I ran after her as she tried to lose me in the tall grass in the back yard.

“You did, asshole!” I guess I did, didn’t I? It had been years ago and somehow y/n had found a way to keep it a live by enlisting friends to randomly attack me with the candy while I was on set. Jared had used it to break the tension of a few dramatically high scenes. There was something satisfying about pelting someone with the rainbow candies. It stung a little but it was never enough to cause any damage.

I caught up, her feet finally tangling in the tall grass and she tumbled to the ground. Unable to stop the forward inertia in time I stumbled to the left only catching my feet on her toes and nearly face planting on the cool ground. We were a mass of laughter and limbs for quite a while before I could regain my composure.

She was still giggling, clutching her stomach as I continued to throw handfuls in her direction. It surprised me when she started to throw some back and shrieked, “Taste the rainbow bitch!!” The candy was a little more painful in this close proximity.

Once I was out of ammo, I crawled a couple of feet to grab her bag from her clutches. Then, just as any self respecting person would do, I spilled the remaining candy onto the ground. “Oh my God! Such an ass!” She was mock-upset and it just made me laugh harder.

“Hey, you started it ya little shit. I just finished it. Like always.” I let my tired muscles relax as I laid back. It just so happened to be onto her shoulder. I waited for it to be awkward or to make me feel weird but it felt like just what it was. I was laying beside my best friend, exhausted but feeling lighter than I had in a while.

“Such a jerk.” She mumbled, still trying to get her breathing under control. I’m sure her stomach muscles were cramping from the effort of laughing so much just like mine. It was quiet for a few minutes and I found myself staring up into the clear Wyoming sky. The stars stretched out for miles. She interrupted my quiet contemplation with a contented sigh, “Hey Jen, I know you’re not here because everything is peachy with you. But, I’m glad you’re here. I’ve missed you.”

Her head came to rest on the top of mine and I felt her hair tickle the side of my face. I was safe here. “Yeah, me too.”

***********

That night was the best sleep I’d had in years and I woke up feeling refreshed. However, if I’d known that today was going the way it went I would’ve stayed in bed and reveled in blissful ignorance. However, with reluctance I’d climbed out of bed in the same manner as I’d done the following morning. Today I felt ready to fix things with my wife. But first I was going to drink Y/n’s nuclear coffee and enjoy the quiet scenery.

When I arrived in the kitchen I found that the atmosphere was charged and tense. Y/n was already dressed and from the look of the coffee pot she’d already consumed a few cups of coffee. “Mike brought some bagels from Panera.” She seemed a little high strung as she pushed the plate with the bagels and a tub of cheese cream in my direction. She seemed to be avoiding eye contact.

“Maybe after some coffee…” I started to walk over to the coffee pot and she seemed to short circuit a little. It could be just a simple case of caffeine over load. I’d seen it before. She was just a little too twitchy.

“Oh hey, just sit down. I’ll get it!” She gave me an overly bright smile and I felt my eyes narrow. Something wasn’t right about this situation. Something had happened to Y/n between last night and now and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to like it.

Reluctantly I sat down, keeping an eye on her as she pulled a coffee mug from the cupboard and prepped my coffee with a little cool water. “So, does Mike make a habit of bringing over breakfast…”

She whipped around a little too fast for my liking, nearly spilling precious coffee on the table when she placed the mug in front of me. “Yes, Mike likes to bring breakfast when he comes by to clean stalls. He’s incredibly nice and annoyingly chipper in the morning, okay?” She covered her face and let out a very unsettling breath. “I thought I could do this… That maybe I could wait a little while. Let you have some coffee and breakfast first… I’m sorry, I just can’t.” She moved her hands to peer down at me with despair in her eyes. She seemed to be weighing her options until she grabbed her laptop and rested it in front of me.

What I saw on the screen slowly pushed all of the oxygen out of the room until I felt my lungs burn. I couldn’t help scrolling down the page, assessing the damage. “When did this happen?” My 20 year old pale white self was on display, straddled by my old girlfriend Lisa.

She sighed, flopping down into the chair beside me. I’m sure my face was glowing like a damn light house from embarrassment. I was out there, exposed in a way that I never thought could happen. And the awful things people were already saying… “Jared’s text woke me up around 5 this morning. By then it had already been widely distributed. He told me that damage control has already been started with the CW and your manager. They had a meeting already with the executives early this morning.”

My stomach rolled heavily at the thought of everyone I knew seeing these pictures. My parents. “Oh God.” I pressed hard into my eyes with my finger tips until I saw white blotches. I knew exactly where these pictures had come from. Lisa had filmed us together and it had been the reason, among other things, that we had broken up. I had watched her delete the video of us having sex off of her phone. She had sworn to me that it was the only copy. Now the world had seen every inch of my white ass in crude stills. Danneel.

“She’s going to kill me.” I dropped my hand to level Y/n with an imploring look. Her eyes were watery pools of y/e/c. “She didn’t happen to call you too, did she?”

She shook her head, knowing instinctively who I was referring to. “No. Just Jared.” She closed her laptop and shoved it away like the very machine was offensive. “Jen, I’m so sorry this happened. I remember you telling me about it, but I thought it had been deleted.” Her hand rested on my shoulder and squeezed.

“Yeah, you and me both.” It was getting increasingly more difficult to talk, harder to draw a full breath. Simultaneously it felt like a wild animal was trying to claw its way out of my chest cavity.

“This isn’t your fault, Jensen.” I heard the solid belief in the sound of her voice, but I couldn’t let myself off of the hook that easily. I had put myself in that position, hadn’t I? I hadn’t been careful enough. I had been young and naive and now it was being used against me and hurting the people I loved. How mortifying for my parents. Most of my friends would equally brush this off. No one would hold me accountable but myself. Soon my airway felt as narrow and tight as a swizzle stick and the light in the room dimmed significantly.

“Easy. Its gonna be okay Jen.” She’d pushed a brown paper bag from Panera up to my face. “Breathe. That’s it. Breathe.” I felt her hands pressing soothing circles into my back as I tried to reign it in. I felt the warmth of her body next to me and I leaned into her side. She continued to chant comforting words as tears slipped down my cheeks from the effort of trying to breathe. How was something that happened nearly twenty years ago coming back to bite me in the ass now? I’m a grown assed man damnit! Why did she pick now to broad cast this?

“Wh-Why?” I croaked out, knowing that there wouldn’t be a good answer for this. It wasn’t fair for me to ask, but I had to. I made the mistake of looking up and found that her face was ruddy and wet with tears.

“Because people are fucking stupid and cruel and thoughtless to how their actions effect others. And the internet holds no one accountable. Everyone is free to trash whomever they want to.” She ground out through a clenched jaw looking a lot like she was going to blow a gasket.

It was a thought that I’d had before and considering the situation now it came to the forefront. Sometimes in this business it felt like I was just whoring myself out for everyone’s entertainment. All people seemed to notice was my face or some other compromising characteristic of mine. I’d started this business knowing that it would be this way but nothing anyone could say would prepare me for how it actually felt. I did what I did because I enjoyed it and by most definitions I was good at it. A natural. I performed and entertained.

I excelled at stretching the limits of my emotions. I also enjoyed being someone else for a while. I was proud of the fact that I was still an incredibly shy, reserved person but managed to find a way to deal with it. To push myself to do better.

I’m not sure how long we stayed at the kitchen table, but eventually she tried to entice me to eat something. The very idea of eating something made my stomach twist painfully. I felt paralyzed, unable to string a coherent thought together. They always ended abruptly, a picture of my parents disappointed faces or Danneel’s seriously pissed one taking over.

“Call your parents, J.” She put her phone down in front of me. “They’re probably worried sick about you.”

“Right.” I croaked out derisively.

She cocked an eyebrow, “You know they are not going to blame you for this. This is not your fault.”

I swallowed down the urge to yell at her, to make her understand how this was exactly my fault. My over sight. If I had dealt with it completely the first time, or hell, not let it happen at all I wouldn’t be in this mess.

“I need my phone.”

“Just use mine for now, okay?” I wasn’t a child, but I sure felt like one when I realized what she was doing.

“I can handle it, Y/n. I’m gonna have to face the music eventually.” She was hiding my phone because she didn’t want me to see something. Probably messages from friends and family who had seen the photos first thing this morning while I was sleeping.

Her eyes narrowed and I could see that I wasn’t going to win. “Just call them.” She got up and stepped out onto the back porch, leaving me in silence as she talked to Mike.

I couldn’t find any space to fit in analyzing her communication with the man, so I dialed my Mom’s number. The caller id popped up Momma Ackles.

“How is he?” My Mom answered on the first ring and I didn’t know if I should feel worried or comforted by the fact that my Mom fully expected a phone call from Y/n. However, the compassionate tone in my Mother’s voice gave me the confidence to move forward with the conversation.

“Hey, Mom.” I spent the next hour on the phone with my parents trying to figure out what had happened and why. We didn’t reach any firm conclusions but it was clear who’s side they were really on and that felt good. It didn’t take away the fact that my naked ass was out there, but I could hope that my manager was doing what he could to get them taken down. The damage had already been done, but the sooner they were gone the better.

Y/n slipped back inside after handing Mike what looked like a list and a credit card and hovered just inside the door like she wasn’t sure what to do next.

“You were right. My parents love is blind.”

She let out an exasperated sigh, “Not blind, geez.” She sat down again, perched on the edge of her seat. “Have you called Danneel yet?”

I shook my head no. A conversation with her about this would be difficult when we were on the best of terms. She wasn’t going to feel the same way as my parents. She would see this as a personal affront and I’m not sure I could blame her.

“Well, I’ll give you some privacy…” She made to leave but the hand I put on her knee was enough to stop her.

“Stay.” She leaned back in the chair immediately, concern etched deeply into her every feature as I stared at her phone. I should have called Danneel two days ago. Her having one more reason to be mad at me wouldn’t be making our talk easy. With trepidation I dialed her number and waited numbly as it rang in my ear.

The temperature in the room dropped several degrees when she answered with a very curt, “Hello?” It was like a sharp stab to an already gaping wound.

“Hey, Dee… It’s me.” Y/n became suddenly ensconced by the non existent dirt beneath her finger nails.

“Holy shit, Jensen! You could’ve given me a heads up.” She grumbled into the phone and I immediately felt incredibly guilty. “I didn’t even know anything like that existed out there. What else are you hiding?”

Here we go. “I didn’t think it still existed or I would have told you, baby. I don’t know how it spread so quickly. I thought I’d taken care of this a long time ago.” The refreshed feeling I’d woken up with was long gone, replaced with a weary feeling that I felt in my bones. “I’m sorry it took so long for me to call.” I offered when it had been silent over the line for too long. “I’ve been trying to get my head out of my ass over the past few days. I was gonna call you today, I swear.”

I heard her sniff and it made me grip Y/n’s phone tighter.

“Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry, Dee. I’m sorry for the way I’ve been behaving. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you like I should be… I just… Everything was just piling up and I couldn’t breathe.” Nothing was coming out right. I was going for sincere but to me I sounded whiny. I felt like I was making excuses for myself when there weren’t any really viable ones. I’d screwed up.

“You went to her.” Her voice was so quiet, so heartbroken and tears sprang unwanted into my already bloodshot eyes. I’d failed again. Why couldn’t I just manage to do something right? “You got suspended for two weeks and the first place you go is to her.”

I looked over to Y/n tentatively, trying to gauge whether or not she was able to hear Danneel through the phone. She still appeared to be distracted. “I know… I could see how that would hurt you, but I wasn’t thinking. I just needed some perspective. Some distance from the whole thing.”

It was obviously the wrong thing to say, “Her perspective.” She scoffed out a laugh that lacked any kind of humor, “When are you going to run to me, huh? I’m your wife. We’re supposed to handle these things together.”

Terrible husband material. That’s what I was. I was freakin scum. The twinge in my stomach had molded into a solid rock that seemed to embed itself in deep. Something made Y/n drop a comforting hand on top of mine and squeeze. This wasn’t right. It shouldn’t be a competition. I should be able to have my friend and my wife’s comfort. “I know… I just needed…”

“You know what, I don’t care. Fix this, Jensen. Find out who is behind this and then give me a call, huh? ‘Cause I just can’t bring myself to comfort you right now.”

“Danneel, stand behind me the one time I ask… Please.” I knew I was begging, but I needed her support on this. I would roll over and grovel over my past mistakes if she would just understand this.

The call ended and I sat slack jawed and stupid. She had hung up on me. Was I ever going to be able to fix my marriage when all I did was fuck up at every turn? I didn’t deserve Danneel. She had always been too good for me and now I was going to lose her if I didn’t get my head removed from my ass.

There was nothing that I could say, but Y/n didn’t expect me to say anything. She left her hand on mine and just sat there, occasionally squeezing to let me know she was still there. I had so many phone calls that I needed to make but I couldn’t make myself move a muscle. I was afraid to shatter the silence.

“I need my phone.” My voice was surprisingly rough and the sound of it made her flinch.

She nodded in ascent, reluctance in every muscle movement as she got up and disappeared into her room down the hall. I’d start with Jared. I knew he’d tell me how bad it really was.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen is physically feeling the effects of long term stress and anxiety.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes a depiction of major anxiety. Its lots of angsty schmoop so hang on for the ride!

It was only 5 pm and I felt completely drained as I stretched out on Y/n’s couch with an arm over my face. I could tell that Y/n was worried but she tried not to be obvious about hovering. She had backed off considerably when she’d managed to shove peanut butter crackers in front of me while I was talking to Jared. I’d mindlessly eaten them while trying to decide my next move. The food apparently helped because I didn’t have that weak, shaky feeling anymore.

While I was on the phone pretty much shouting at Lisa, Mike had come in like he owned the place with a handful of grocery bags. That did nothing to improve my mood but I managed to keep my mouth shut. Even when I could hear them chatting quietly in the kitchen as he helped her put everything away. He didn’t even have to ask where to put things.

Lisa had sworn that it wasn’t her, but if it wasn’t her, than who? Nobody else had access to the damn video but her and I.

Things didn’t start to really click for me until I’d called my manager, Adam. He’d treated this whole thing like it was a good situation. Negative press was still publicity. Fuck that in the ass.

But I tried to push that to the back of my mind when I felt the couch sag next to me.

“Hey.” I croaked out before I cleared my throat. I was beginning to feel like I was coming down with something. My face felt stuffy and my throat had a tickle that wouldn’t be swallowed away.

“Hey you.” Her voice was soft and quiet like she was afraid to shatter the calm, but she had to know it was complete chaos inside. “Need anything?”

“A bullet to the brain.” I grumbled. I jumped a little when her hand smacked down on my chest. “Ow!” I moved my arm to glower at her. She didn’t look impressed.

“Not funny, asshole.” Her eyes were narrowed, her brow furrowed and her lips were a thin line. “I’m not gonna let you sit here and feel sorry for yourself. If you’re gonna do that you need to go home. You’ll have your Mom to baby you.”

Hmph. “You’re not going to baby me?” I tried for my most pathetic sounding tone, batting my eyelashes a few more times than necessary.

Her eyebrow quirked, “Do I ever baby you?”

Yes. Everyone babied me, they couldn’t help it. Somehow a long the way, Y/n had become seemingly immune. “Why not?” I challenged, feeling a little pouty.

Her face softened, “Because you don’t need babying.” She ran her fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes at the touch, her nails barely scratched against my scalp. “Because you can’t let whoever the asshole is win.”

I sighed, feeling the tightness that seemed to stay in my chest. “I don’t even know who the asshole is. I was sure that it was Lisa but now that I’ve spoken to her… I don’t know who to be mad at anymore.” Other than myself, that is. I could always muster up enough energy to be mad at myself.

“So, there’s nothing you can do about it right this second?” She quizzed and I could tell that she was planning something. I couldn’t say that I was dreading it. However, if it involved getting my ass off of this couch she was going to have a hard time convincing me.

When I shook my head no she smiled brightly, “Okay, then I have something that really cheers me up.”

“Oh, what’s that other than me?” I don’t know what had gotten in me, but it felt like I just couldn’t help it as I smiled back at her.

She rolled her eyes and pulled my arm so that I would sit up. I slumped forward and laid my head on her shoulder. “You sure I can’t just wallow a little more?” Even to me I sounded incredibly pitiful, but the sound of her answering laugh brought a small smile to my face. She hugged me to her, her lips pressing up against my neck as she squeezed. I wasn’t really interested in moving any more than I had been before. I could stay here in her embrace for hours if she would let me.

“Its gonna be okay. You just have to make it to that point when everything is figured out and you can move past it. You’ve made the right calls. You’ve done all you can do. So, let me just distract you for a little bit, huh?” She pulled away to look at me and I reluctantly opened my eyes.

“What did you have in mind?” Just that small amount of time in her arms had gone a long way to relax me. I felt a little groggy.

Soon she had me parked in front of her laptop on the couch with a glass tumbler of Jack Daniel’s single barrel and ice. She told me the ice was to keep me from drinking it in one gulp. She pulled up some You Tube videos of drunk people making complete asses of themselves. It brought back memories to say the least.

“Do you remember riding down the stairs in Ty’s house on a bike?” She’d paused the video, looking to me with interest. If I recalled I was completely wasted at the time. Too young and too stupid to know any better. That was my excuse. “You scared the shit out of me.”

“Why?” I was too far gone to feel any pain until the next morning came along. Ugh. Then it was nearly unbearable.

“Are you serious? You slammed into the wall at the end of the stairs! Head first! You were unconscious for a whole five fucking minutes!” I could see the concerned lines in her face, the memory obviously still upset her.

I pulled her to my chest and she had the audacity to struggle. “I’m sorry.” I buried my face in her neck, pulling her closer the more she squirmed.

“Let me go!” She grumbled, throwing elbows but I would guess her efforts were half assed at best.

“Nope.” I nuzzled in closer, by now my entire body was being used to subdue her. “Not a chance.” I let myself fall into her shoes at 17, how she would’ve taken the fact that I was unresponsive for those five seemingly short minutes. She wasn’t a partier. She never would have been caught dead at Ty’s house if I hadn’t been there. She’d just lost her parents less than two years before hand. I wasn’t conceited, but I knew that I was important to her. It was in the way she treated me. It was in the way she inspired me to treat her with a certain reverence that didn’t really carry over to other friends.

She probably didn’t even really know how much help she’d been that night. She had wanted to take me straight to the hospital, but seeing as I was under aged Ty talked her out of it. Instead, as Ty would tell it, she spent the entire night keeping me awake and making sure I didn’t choke on my own vomit in one of the spare rooms of his house. Not a pretty or easy job. Especially since I know from first hand account how horrible I can be after a few too many drinks and all I want to do is sleep.

That’s not to say that I didn’t do my fair share of care taking or worrying. I’d only been in L.A. for about two months when Y/n’s Aunt had called me to ask if she was with me. I hadn’t spoken to her for a couple of days. It didn’t dawn on me until I’d hung up that it was the year anniversary of her parent’s death. Plus, the girl had just gotten her driver’s license. It was a week before she came back home and I’d worried for every damn minute. It was her Aunt that had called me to tell me that Y/n had run off to Corpus Christi with her then boyfriend, Ben.

“Hey, you’re not the only one who got scared to death, Y/F/N. Remember Ben?” God, when I’d finally gotten that girl on the phone… I don’t think she’d ever witnessed me being really pissed before.

*****“I was suffocating in that house, Jen! Ben’s family had a property there so I went!”

“Yeah, okay! But next time you go sneakin off, tell somebody, huh?!”

“Oh yeah, I’m gonna stop and give you a call! ‘Hey, jackass, running away! Don’t tell Aunt Maggie!’ Stupid.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what you’re gonna do. Got it?!”*****

She hadn’t taken the whole 'big brothering’ very well and had promptly hung up on me right after. In her defense, Aunt Maggie was a bit of a control freak after losing her sister. She tried to keep Y/n on a tight leash, but it only managed to push her further away. However, the next time she decided she needed to get away her senior year, she called me… While she was standing at my apartment door in L.A.

It was right before graduation. All of the family activity, or lack of parents herself, had been too much. She never walked for her diploma, but she graduated with honors.

“Yeah, Ben was great, wasn’t he?” She turned a little to smile at me, “Of course, that was until he got that girl pregnant, while he was dating me senior year…” She wasn’t fighting me anymore to get loose. In fact, she seemed to have given up, leaning against my chest.

If I ever saw that douche bag again, it would be bad news for him. “Oh, hey, then there was Jeremy your freshman year in college. He was a peach.”

“Jeremy was fun.” Her smile was bright, dangerously bright. “I learned A LOT from Jeremy.”

Ew. “I don’t wanna talk about what you learned again. My eyes will never be the same and I didn’t witness any of it.” My body gave a little involuntary shiver and she laughed.

I let go of her to cough rather violently into my arm. When I looked up, instead of the indignant look of someone being thrown out of the way, I was met with worry. “You’re not getting sick are you?” Her hands were warm where they came to rest on my arms.

“Nah, I haven’t been sick for years.” I mumbled, sniffling a little and then taking a sip of my whiskey which turned out to be a bad idea that made me choke a little more. Sometime in the middle of another coughing fit she pushed a cool glass of water in my hand. I spilled half of it onto my lap before I could manage a couple of sips. That seemed to curb the coughing fit into a dull, throat pulsing burn. “Thanks.” I wiped at my mouth, blinking my eyes a couple of times to get a clear view.

It was true that I hadn’t gotten really sick in years. Yeah, my sinuses had been screwed up before but as far as actual illness…

~~~~~~~  
That night I woke up three times and each time I felt worse than the time before. I could hear my own breath echoing in my ears like I was trapped in a sealed tunnel. It hurt to swallow, but the compulsion wouldn’t stop because of the drainage that seemed to be deluging down the back of my throat. I felt maddeningly muddy without the energy to get a better grasp on my surroundings.

“Hey, take a sip.” There was a glass at my lips and I obediently parted my lips and relished the cool liquid that washed over my tongue and down my throat. Whoever had the glass guided it to my lips a few more times and I drank greedily, only pausing to pant heavily through my mouth.

“Dee?” I choked out, hardly recognizing my own voice as it only came out as a muted rasp. It inspired another round of coughing that left moisture leaking down my cheeks. Small, soft hands wiped it away. Danneel wasn’t so great at the whole in sickness thing, and I couldn’t say that I was great at it either. She managed though and for a moment all I wanted was it to be her here taking care of me. That everything was okay for just a minute.

“Its just me… Take this, okay?” I parted my lips again but this time it was a thick, odd tasting liquid that seemed to coat on its way down. It seemed basically tasteless but I realized that it could be because of being sick. My taste buds were probably fucked all to hell.

I fell asleep to the feeling of her hands pushing my hair from my forehead and combing through my scalp in a calming cadence.

When I woke up again it was light outside, the sun a blinding orb in its position right above the window. It took a minute for me to get my barrings. I threw the cover off and swung my legs over the edge and realized I was only in a t shirt and my boxers. When had I stripped?

The floor was a soothing cool against my heated feet as I padded into the hallway and looked both ways. I was still in Y/n’s house and I was hit with an overwhelming sense of disappointment. If I was still here that meant that Danneel was not. She was still angry with me and I couldn’t say that I blamed her. I found myself in the bathroom, taking in my reflection. I hadn’t shaved since I’d left Vancouver. If I was on set I would be stuck in make up for hours to cover the dark circles beneath my eyes. My face was red in splotches, pillow creases marked my right cheek and my hair was matted to the side and greasy. I was a mess.

Luckily I was hidden away.

I still had to figure out who had leaked the video of me having sex. To be honest, I was still having a difficult time wrapping my head around the idea. Its not like it was some juicy porno. It was normal, vanilla missionary sex. So, of course it was my lily white ass in the air. It was not something that everyone should be able to see. Only the people I trusted enough to have sex with, not every Tom Dick and Harry should be able to perve over it.

Like I had for the past several months, I let my thoughts get away from me. Tight worry settled in my chest like always and I found that I had a hard time drawing breath. A strange scratching wheeze was making its way up my throat and black edged at my vision. I braced myself against the sink. “Oh God. Oh GodohGodohGod…” I needed to slow down. I needed to breathe… The congestion in my chest just made it that much harder and it kicked my panic into over drive. God, I just needed to breathe. Please, just let me breathe.

When I opened my eyes everything blurred together and I felt like a sledge hammer had busted through my very skull. There was a sharp smack against my cheek and things started to focus a little.

“Jen, Jesus Christ… Hey, look at me!” It was Y/n and she sounded completely panicked.

“Y/n, what… What is it?” My lips felt too big for my mouth and the side of my face felt warm and wet. I looked up at her… What the fuck was I doing on the floor?

My confusion must have been obvious. “You fell. You hit your fucking head. I heard it in the kitchen.” She was kneeling next to me, her hands fluttering over my face. I tried to sit up and she gently pushed me back down. “Don’t move yet. Stay still.” The hands against my shoulders shook and I noted the wetness of her face.

“It’s okay… I’m okay.” I put a hand over hers and she shook her head. I was feeling incredibly vulnerable spread out on my back on the floor. Not to mention the congestion that had settled there made it feel like an elephant had taken up residence in my chest cavity. I felt raw and weak and had to stomp the compulsion to back away to give myself some space to recover.

“No. It’s not okay. You’re not okay!” She wiped her face furiously. “This is not okay, Jen. You’re not okay…”

I frowned, “Well, you try dealing with having your ass out there on the internet.” I grimaced when she used a wet face cloth to dab at the side of my face. It came back covered with blood and it made my stomach roll. I never did handle blood very well.

She sighed heavily, “I’m not just talking about now… You haven’t been dealing well for a while. You’ve dropped 20 pounds since I saw you last and it was only a few months ago, Jen. You don’t sleep. You hardly eat and who knows how long you’ve been having these panic attacks without telling anyone.” She continued to dab at my face as she bit her lip between her teeth to curb the tremble I saw there.

It had been a while. An entire year in fact and I’d managed to keep it to myself… Until now. “I don’t usually fall out, Y/n.”

“Well congratulations.” She grumbled, letting the face cloth move down my face to catch the line of blood that had made it to my chin.

“Can I get up now, Nurse Ratchet? You need to work on your bedside manner.” I tried to smirk at her but it was cut short by the deep, aching cough that forced its way out of me. My eyes slammed shut at the raw feeling in my chest and throat. The movement didn’t help the dizzying ache in my head.

“Take it easy.” Her voice was softened, no longer holding that deeply frustrated vibe that I knew she didn’t really mean to direct at me. Y/n was probably too busy finding fault in her own actions than to blame me for letting myself fall apart like this. I felt her hands soothe across my chest, making wide, deep circles that felt amazing against the tight muscles. “I should take you to the hospital.”

“No!” My eyes shot open at the prospect, new panic firing through my veins. “You know how much of a field day people would have with this?” I pushed her hands away before dragging my upper half up to lean against the cool bathroom wall. I’d managed a couple of feet of distance between us and her expression was stricken. My stomach rolled uncomfortably again as I struggled to stifle another cough.

“You can’t be serious.” She finally said, the hand with the face cloth falling into her lap. “Jensen, who the fuck cares? You hit your head! There could be something serious going on.”

“No hospitals.” I muttered back petulantly.

“Jensen Ackles you are fucking 38 years old! Stop acting like a damn child!” Okay, so now her inner guilt was being thrown in the direction that it needed to be but as I continued to look back at her, unyielding in my decision, she deflated. “God damnit. I should call your Mom.”

Panic flared again, “No. No, please don’t.” I heard the timbre of my voice, the way it broke like I was in fact the child she was accusing me of being. “Please.” I reached my arm out and pulled her to me with all the strength I had left. The effort and the ache that had settled over my entire body brought tears to my eyes. “God, she’ll just worry. Please don’t call her.” My voice was now reduced to a wheezing gasp, the edges of my vision started to darken again.

“Okay.” She immediately wrapped her arms around me, cradling my head to her shoulder as I shook like I was in some drug withdrawal. “It’s okay, Jen. I won’t tell her, but we have to do something, okay? We have to take care of you.”

She was probably right about the needing to do something part. I just wasn’t sure what I was comfortable with doing. I knew that I didn’t want anyone else to know. I’d seen Jared struggle with anxiety and depression publicly and while he seemed to gather strength from the support of our friends and fans… I knew I was an intensely private person and I didn’t want to broadcast my problems. I’d let it get out of hand. Now it was my job to reign it in. Preferably without anyone else finding out about it.

“Does Danneel know?” She asked quietly after an indeterminable amount of time had passed. I wasn’t ready to move quite yet. I was feeling the exhaustion heavily and y/n’s shirt against my cheek was soft. I could still smell the faint hints of wisteria on her skin.

“No.” An entirely alien sounding voice croaked out and she nodded like she already knew the answer to her question. “And I want it to stay that way.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen gets a little help...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here be smut. You've been warned.
> 
> Song used in this chapter is Talking Body by Tove Lo.

The next couple of days passed in a stuffy, miserable haze. After a lot of convincing and guilt tripping, Y/n agreed not to shuttle me to the nearest hospital and was satisfied with just monitoring my every move instead. Even though I might have found the attention over whelming before, I was just too sick and worn out to protest. Besides, not that I would ever admit it to anybody, it was kind of nice having her this close all the time. Where Danneel lacked in bed side manner, Y/n was very skilled in making me feel loved and cared for. She made it look effortless. Her every move was effortless.

She didn’t ask me what I wanted, recognizing that I felt terrible and didn’t want to be bothered with making my brain strain to make decisions. If I coughed for an extended amount of time, she rightly assumed that my throat was sore and brought me a cup of hot tea to soothe it. If I shivered, even if I wondered how she could’ve even been able to tell, she would tuck the blankets up higher or add another if she wasn’t satisfied.

Her patience, which when dealing with me was necessary, knew no limits and she handled my snotty nose and fever with staggering compassion. Picked up the used tissues with impassive ease. It didn’t mean that she didn’t poke fun at opportune times and I accused her of taking advantage of me. This only seemed to make her laugh a little louder and it brought a lightness to my chest. She didn’t make me feel like I was imposing, like it would’ve been easy to do.

When at home I tended to try to hide any illness as long as possible. It was embarrassing to have someone who was openly disgusted trying desperately to take care of you. It was funny to think about later on. Something for us to joke about and bring levity to, but while I was sick… It was miserable. I felt like a lump of disgusting bio hazard filth. Not to mention a huge burden. However, I wasn’t proud to admit… I wasn’t much better.

She set up the television in the guest room, constantly filled a cup with ginger ale (complete with an umbrella-ed straw and a top) and kept up a regular dose of medication without fail. It was all very nice but necessary because just dragging my ass out of bed to take a piss had become a monumental event. It involved me bracing myself against the wall as I waddled stiffly down the hallway, shuffling like an old man in my thick socks.

“What do you want to watch?” She sat next to my knees on the bed, her hand a comfort against my arm and handing me the remote with the other. “I usually watch Supernatural reruns…” She admitted sheepishly, a blush of color blossoming across her cheeks.

This struck me as humorous, “You watch me when you’re sick?” I don’t know why this spread a warmth that was not my fever through my entire body.

She scoffed, trying to hide her embarrassment, “Not just you, silly… But, yeah. I find it comforting.” She smiled down at me, pushing my hair away from my forehead like she did it all the time. “I have Netflix… You could binge watch something. It makes the time pass by quickly.” She watched me intently for a moment before she checked the level of ginger ale in my cup.

“Hey.” I reached out to grab her hand and pulled it to my chest. “You’ve been incredibly great, Y/n. This means… a lot to me. Thank you.” I kissed her finger tips carefully before resting it back down.

A soft smile took over her features and she leaned up closely, “You’re no trouble at all.” I followed her with my eyes until I felt they would cross as her lips connected tenderly with my forehead.

I tried to cover up how much of a thrill coursed through my body at the contact, “You’re gonna get sick Miss Nightingale.”

She was still smiling fondly, “My immune system isn’t suppressed like yours. I’ll be fine. I eat my wheaties.”

“Well, if you ever need me to return the favor…” She pulled her hand back and shifted to the other side of the bed by climbing over me like I was a log in her way. “What are you doing?”

“You’ve got the tv, Jen. What am I supposed to do with my time?” She snuggled down into a pillow, curling her knees up getting comfortable like she planned to spend a lot of time there, they rested snugly against the side of my thigh. “Plus, this isn’t a competition, you know? Its what friends do.”

I spared her a sideways glance, “Not all friends are as good as you.” Most friends wouldn’t go to the lengths that she did to make sure everyone was taken care of. The girl would do just about anything, even at her own expense, to make you smile.

“Well,” she was unable to take a compliment. Just for once in her damn life. “If it makes you feel better, you’ve done the same for me several times. An embarrassingly large amount of time.”

In true Y/N form, she reminded me of the times that I’d laid aside my disgust of bodily function in favor of taking care of her. I’d been the one to hold her hair the first time she learned the lesson of mixing too many alcohols together. Or who could forget the weekend we both had food poisoning when she visited for her 25th birthday? We’d spent the entire time clinging to the toilet or taking a shower. There was nothing like time spent together, bonded by throwing up your guts and trying not to let the other die. Eventually, she’d fallen asleep in the bath tub and I’d passed out on the floor next to it. We’d been found by Jared the next morning and he never failed to make fun of us for it. Often.

There was also the couple of times she showed up in Vancouver, completely heartbroken over some douche bag that didn’t appreciate what they had. It didn’t matter how many times I had to do it, I went to great lengths to pick her back up again.

I’d do it over and over again. I’d been there for her when her parents died. It had actually been what had built the foundation of our entire relationship. However, my grandfather dying had absolutely devastated me and she had been by my side, watching over me the entire time. She’d spent hours being a quiet presence that I don’t think I would’ve survived without. She in return picked me up when no one else could.

We spent the rest of that morning and most of the afternoon curled up watching Being Human. Y/n had a raging crush on the guy who played the reluctant werewolf. It was a little uncomfortable listening to her coo over how cute and tortured he was while she was snuggled up to my side. It was a warm comfort and for once I didn’t try to analyze it, I just enjoyed it.

************  
I woke up to the incessant ringing of my phone that had been sitting on my nightstand innocuously for the past 48 hours. I’d gotten a random text from Jared but for the most part my phone had been silent.

When I answered it was to Michael Reed, the a private investigator hired by the production company. I’d been told he was working on the case of my ‘sex tape scandal’ but I hadn’t heard a word since the news had broken. Y/n was snoring softly on my shoulder so I tried to answer quietly.

“Hello?” My voice came out gruff and hoarse as I nearly whispered into the phone.

“Mr. Ackles! Hey, we’ve narrowed down the IP address of the computer that posted the video. It’s location is 2325 Hampton Rd. Los Angeles.”

I felt extreme confusion, “That’s my manager Adam’s address…” The realization made me sit up quickly, sending y/n sliding off of my chest to land with a gentle thud on my pillow.

“We don’t have concrete proof, Mr. Ackles, but it does appear that your manager is the one who released the video online…”

My manager. The same dude that had sought me out at a high school play. The same dude that had waited two years for me to graduate and go to Los Angeles. “There has to be some kind of mistake… I mean. There has to be an explanation.”

“We’ll investigate it further with your permission, Mr. Ackles. We can get to the bottom of this.”

It felt like my wind pipe was beginning to constrict again, but I managed to answer. “Yeah. Yeah, see what you can find out.” I ended the call, resting the phone absently onto the table and nearly missing it.

Y/n startled me and I nearly leapt out of my skin when I felt her arm wind around my shoulders. She didn’t shy away and I found myself sinking into her touch. “Just try to relax. Deep breaths through your nose. Let it out slowly through your mouth.” She was doing as she instructed and I tried to match her rate of breathing. It was easy to follow her lead but I couldn’t help the crazy itch these panic attacks created. Like I could climb the walls like a maniac and never tire.

Soon, I felt myself beginning to relax and I buried my face in the crook of her neck. “I’m sorry.” When I had dropped down at her front door I’d laid a whole lot of stuff on her that I hadn’t meant to do. It was only supposed to be a respite, not a place where I burdened her with everything going wrong in my life. “You didn’t ask to be a freakin counselor.”

“Just shut up.” She murmured, her left hand linking with her right as she hugged across my chest. She then mumbled into the top of my head, “I’m glad you’re here.”

We stayed like that for quite a long time and for not the first time I was reluctant to move. It was here that I found the most comfort. It was the scent of her warm skin, the feel of her warm body holding me close. It was comfort and for the first time I realized that this was where I felt like I was home. The feeling had always been there, but over the past couple of days I’d finally been able to put a name to the feeling.

This was why Danneel was angry with me. It was knee jerk instinct to go to Y/n when I was in trouble. Like, real trouble. Not just set drama. Maybe deep down I realized that Danneel would never be able to deal with the reality that had become my life without making it twenty times worse. I’d unknowingly, and being completely unprepared to do so, laid it all on Y/n the minute I walked in her front door. It was selfish.

It was selfish to hurt my wife just to seek comfort for myself. It was selfish to lay all of this now at Y/n’s feet.

But what could I do? The damage was already done. It was obvious in the way that Danneel hadn’t tried to contact me once since the whole scandal started. It was obvious in the way that she only looked at it from her own perspective. The separation had been her idea, but I was beginning to think that she had been right about suggesting it. However, I didn’t feel so alone anymore.

When was the last time I could say that I was happy with Danneel that didn’t involve sex? And even then, she was so driven by having a child that even that became a chore. It was like all I was to her was a damn sperm donor. In fact, for the past couple of months she would’ve been happy with a specimen cup and an damn turkey baster.

I sighed heavily, reveling in the act of taking a full breath. I could tell that the congestion was starting to break up. The elephant on my chest must’ve been taking a smoke break.

I extricated myself from her neck to peer up at her from her shoulder, interested in her reaction. “Why are you still here?”

She narrowed her eyes, her brow scrunching up in confusion. “Um… Its kinda my house, dude.”

“No, I mean… We’ve been through a lot together and I just wondered why you put up with it all.”

Her face softened immediately with understanding, “Because you’re my most favorite person in the world. And, I kind of love you.”

I let myself gaze into her eyes. Her sincere, sparkling happy eyes before I answered. “Just kind of?” I smirked when she rolled said beautiful eyes, “As far as deep professions go…”

She swatted my chest, “Yes, kind of is all you get, asshole.”

“Oo, I get all tingly when you call me pet names.” This earned me a shove and she swung her legs over the opposite side of the bed.

“What do you want to eat, darling?” She put emphasis on the darling as she stood from the bed and leveled me with a questioning look. Her hands were positioned on either hip in a mock irritated stance.

It was over the best bowl of canned chicken with rice soup that she propositioned me with seeing someone for the anxiety. It was not a fair proposition. Especially since it involved a friend of Mike’s.

“Well, I mean, he’s my friend too. We’ve hung out before.” She muttered over her own bowl before shoving a spoon full into her mouth and chewing thoughtfully.

“Geez! How many guy friends do you have? Do you have to put out often?” It was a little harsher than I meant it to be, but I’d always been a tad on the possessive side.

Her spoon dropped unceremoniously into her bowl causing a loud splash as she leveled me again with a nasty look. “Are you calling me a whore?” Her eyes narrowed in on my sheepish expression, “And I don’t have that many guy friends! They just happen to be in the trail riding group I’m a part of. I have chick friends too.” She grumbled the last part before she retrieved her spoon and ate the soup aggressively.

“I’m not calling you a whore.” I grumbled back, grabbing a bit of french bread and dipping it into the broth. “It just seems like you’re surrounded by a bunch of guys all the time.”

“Well, as I’ve said before, they are usually a lot simpler and easier to be around.” Emphasis on the usually.

She wasn’t looking at me anymore, concentrating a lot of her energy into glaring down into her food. “So, what does this guy do?” I offered as a white flag and this seemed to do the trick as her face brightened. She still wouldn’t look up at me.

“He’s a therapist. He deals with teenagers mostly, so I feel like it would be a good fit.”

I huffed a quiet laugh, “Fine.” I answered around a mouthful of bread, “I’ll talk to the guy, but the moment I am uncomfortable he’s gone, got it?”

She smiled brightly in victory, “Got it.”

~~~~~~~~~  
Talking to the guy hadn’t been easy, but he’d had some good points. He prescribed some medication to manage the panic attacks and an antidepressant to take daily. It was weird. I didn’t consider myself depressed but he assured me that it would help the with anxiety as well. That depression and anxiety often went hand in hand. He also recommended some psychologists in Vancouver and encouraged me to maintain contact with a doctor regularly.

As I predicted, Y/n didn’t ask questions or bother me for the rest of that day. She stayed busy in the barn, feeding and cleaning. I’d caught her in the middle of singing Talking Body while shaking her hips to the beat as she was brushing the horse I’d been riding the other day. The horse watched her critically with the corner of his eye while she carried on without a care.

I cleared my throat rather loudly as her hip thrusting was making the whole barn uncomfortable. It made it hard to breathe for completely different reasons. I couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like for her hips to be moving like that with me inside of her.

She didn’t jump in surprise like I thought she would, only turning around to level me with a look I couldn’t quite place the emotion behind. She didn’t lose the bounce of rhythm in her step as she walked purposefully over to me. “Were you watching me?” She quizzed, her hands closing over my elbows and running lightly up my arm in a caress.

“Um…” I answered intelligently, swallowing loud enough that I could hear the 'gulp.’

Her hands continued to glide over my biceps, across my shoulders where she began to knead the tender flesh where they connected to my neck. Her lips were so close to mine that I could feel her breath across my face as she spoke in a breathy whisper. “I didn’t take you for the voyeur type, Jensen.”

The way her lips wrapped around my name caused an unexpected chill to ghost pleasantly through my body, causing goose bumps to erupt across my flesh. “What are you doing, Y/n?” Despite feeling like I was laid wide open, my question didn’t come out as accusatory as I’d intended.

She leaned forward slowly, the soft skin of her cheek tickled sensuously across my jaw. “Want you, Jensen.” Her lips barely touched against the shell of my ear as she whispered, the warm condensation of her breath caused my dick to twitch with interest. “Are you going to tell me no?”

No. The truth was that I couldn’t tell Y/n no. Not with any weight or value. I’d never be able to tell her no. “No.” I answered weakly, turning my head until our lips connected. The touch was tentative until she licked against my bottom lip, her tongue begging for entrance. I allowed her control of the kiss, pulling her in closer with my hands locked on her hips. I felt the heat of her body seeping through my clothes.

She moaned her approval as I sucked on her tongue, running my hands down to palm her ass. She pushed against me and I found my back against the solid barn wall. The pressure of her rubbing against my hard cock was dizzying. I felt the first flush of heat on my cheeks, creeping down my neck and it made it difficult to breath. A heady feeling that made thought nearly impossible. I took control of the kiss, my tongue plunging into her mouth without ceremony. Her hand made its way up to fist in my hair, pulling me closer still and I felt the moan that was most likely mine vibrate in her mouth.

She pulled back, her eyes never leaving mine as she began to undress with unbridled enthusiasm. This was happening. We were going to have sex right here in the fucking barn, itchy hay be damned. She was down to her bra and underwear when I finally got with the program, working with the buttons of my shirt as her hands went directly to the button of my jeans. “Wanna taste you Jen. Wanna feel you on my tongue.”

“Oh God…” Was all I could manage when she dropped to her knees, yanking my jeans and boxers down in one go. My erection slapped hot and leaking against my stomach and she licked her lips. The view of her soft lips, swollen from kissing was like watching my own personal porn.

“Perfect, Jen. Fucking perfect.” Her voice was breathy, her tongue licking me from balls to tip and I was already shuddering all over. Her hot, damp mouth closed over the head of my cock. I groaned, my head making a heavy thunk against the wooden barn wall. I would never take this poppy song for granted again. She moaned against my twitching cock and I could feel my balls tightening with the orgasm I could feel building. She didn’t even have to move, the sight of her mouth spreading around me was enough.

“No. Wait.” I pulled her off, cradling her face in my hands. Her lips were swollen, pink and wet with saliva. They were parted as her breath seemed to hitch. Her eyes were glazed over with want and I felt my body thrum all over while my thumb grazed her full bottom lip. These had just been on my cock. “Mmm…” I pulled her up, smashing my lips against hers and reveling in the salty taste of me on her tongue.

I backed us up until the back of my thighs hit against a wooden bench and I dropped down, pulling her down onto my lap as I went.

She had lost her panties at some point and when she felt my hot cock against her center and she gasped, “Shit, Jen.” She didn’t have to beg and I let her wrap her hand around me, tentatively pumping me before she guided me to her entrance. She teased my tip against her clit, gasping at her own torment. She was making herself desperate and I felt hazy as I could feel her wet arousal gliding against me.

I felt desperate, “Y/n, please…God, inside… Please?” My voice was broken and raspy, my face pushing into the crook of her neck. “Please?” I felt like I might just explode from want, my breath coming in tight pants as she created the zings of pleasure from teasing.

She sank down in one fluid movement, her ass cheeks resting against the top of my thighs. Both of us groaned at the contact and I felt like I might just come apart right there. “Fuck…” She moaned out before pulling my face to her and kissing me within a centimeter of suffocating. It was hard to remember to breath with so much pleasure coursing through my body. She began to move up and down slowly, pulling back to watch my face. Her pupils were lust blown and she bit down on her bottom lip to stifle a moan.

I was stunned with how much my body responded by just looking at her. I couldn’t be close enough, deep enough. I would crawl beneath her skin and live there if I could. But, what if she didn’t feel the same? She’d never given me any inclination that she was attracted me in any way. She’d only been the best friend I’d ever had. “Y/n, baby, what are we doin’?” I choked out as I pushed some of her hair from her face.

She only picked up the pace, my hips moving up into her like she was a magnet drawing me into her. “Do you want me to stop?” I could feel her finger nails piercing into the skin of my back, clinging to me like she would never let go. God, I was so close. A sweet, hot fire seemed to be burning its way through my body singing my insides and leaving no room for anything but pleasure.

“No, God. Don’t stop.” I answered back. The more we moved the better I felt. The more I burned. “Don’t ever stop.” I pulled her to me, wrapping an arm around her waist to thrust deeper. My other hand found its way into her hair as I pulled her mouth back to mine.

I could feel her losing her rhythm, her kisses becoming slopping and open mouthed as she started to fall apart. I felt her tighten around me, her finger nails digging in and creating a pleasure-pain combination that was irresistible. I buried myself as deeply as possible as I felt my orgasm pulled from me as she continued to rock me through it. I was shaking and covered in sweat. My brain was complete mush and I only registered the after shocks of pleasure and the warm feeling of her body shaking against mine.

“Jen.”

“Mm?” God, I couldn’t move. My limbs felt like they were weighted, attached to her skin. It had never felt this way before. I’d never been filled with this incredible beyond euphoric feeling before. It was like having spent years in unthinkable pain and finally having it completely lifted away.

“Jen, wake up.” I peeled my eyes open slowly, still feeling sluggish and sated. “Hey there, must’ve been some nightmare.”

“Huh?” I looked up to her, finding her still dressed, her hair perfectly neat and pulled back in a pony tail. She was smiling warmly down at me, no sign of the girl that I’d just had sex with in the barn.

“You fell asleep at the table. Kyle must’ve really worn you out.” Kyle? Mike’s psychiatrist friend, Kyle? She patted my shoulder comfortingly, her fingers finding their way to weave through my hair again. The movement created echoes of pleasure and I shifted, feeling a uncomfortable sticky wetness in my jeans.

Overwhelming disappointment flooded me. It had been a dream. A very vivid, very pleasurable dream. “Yeah.” I croaked out, shifting away from her touch uncomfortably. “I need a shower.” I got up quickly and shuffled down the hall to close myself in the bathroom, hoping that she didn’t notice the wet spot on the front of my jeans.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are a little awkward for Y/N and Jensen. He makes a decision about what to do about Danneel and he goes back to set.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this doesn't depict what I really think about Danneel. I hope ya'll are enjoying reading this as much as I am writing it. This is actually my first shot at writing a reader insert fic so I hope its tolerable.
> 
> Song used in this chapter is Nothing Else Matters by Metallica

After my dream, hallucination or what Y/n had categorized as a nightmare, things became a little awkward. I’d been avoiding being in the same room with her which was difficult because it was her house. I only had a couple more days before I was heading back to set and I knew I was wasting them. Even though it hadn’t actually happened, I couldn’t help this overwhelming feeling of guilt. Like I had somehow defiled Y/n and consequently cheated on my wife. Of course, there was that other feeling too… The one where I wanted to jump my best friends bones every time she bent over to do something.

Of course, it did set into motion the conversation that needed to be had with Danneel.

I sat on Y/n’s porch one sunny late afternoon and dialed her number with trepidation. I was firm in the belief that a conversation was long over due, but I couldn’t stop the way my insides were twisting.

She answered on the first ring, a lot of noise going on in the background. “Hey.” She sounded relieved to hear from me. “I wondered when you’d call. I’ve been worried about you.”

“Hey.” I intelligently answered back, “I’m sorry it’s taken so long for me to call back. I just got word officially this morning that Lisa and Adam had made arrangements years ago about that tape. I haven’t decided if I’m pressing any charges or not…”

“How could you not?” The quiet delicate tone she’d been using before all but vanished, “Jensen, you can’t be serious that you would let them get away with that?”

The truth was that yes, I would let them get away with it only to make it possible for me to move past it as quickly as possible. It was necessary for my mental and physical well being. I’d shattered both of them so completely and I was just now starting to build them back up. “I don’t want to drag it out if I don’t have to, Danneel. I’ve fired Adam and I’ll never speak to Lisa again. Lawyers made sure the video and pics are gone. They can’t hurt me anymore so what’s the point in drawing more attention to it?”

“Jensen, there were pictures of your dick on the internet in high definition. How can I be the only one who’s pissed about this?” She sounded frustrated and I understood. Really, I did.

“You’re not the only one who’s pissed, but making a big deal about this is just gonna draw attention to it. Its what they wanted to begin with. I don’t want to have to deal with lawyers and court. I just can’t handle that right now.” I found the calm that had settled back over me starting to wane and I wondered idly if I should’ve taken a damn ativan before picking up my phone. This was just piss poor planning.

She huffed loudly, “I just don’t understand you.”

And just like that… It hit me, pulling away the fog of uncertainty that had been hanging around for months and offering perfect clarity. She had just summed up my entire reasoning for going with the whole separation thing to begin with.

It was true. She just didn’t understand me any more and it made me question if she ever had. How had we become so out of sync?

I didn’t want her out of my life entirely because I had to believe that I’d made those vows with my whole heart. However, we were so out in left field now it was staggering. “Danneel, I don’t want to do this, but I think you were right all along.” I leaned forward, curling in on myself where I sat on the wooden chair as if I could shield myself. “I think we should stick with the separation for a while.”

The line was quiet and I felt the vice tightening in my chest. I tried not to panic and started to use the breathing exercise that Kyle had taught me with my mouth pointed away from the mouth piece. I still stood by what I’d told Y/n. Danneel wouldn’t understand.

“Well,” she started quietly, sounding more resigned than I had ever heard her. Danneel was tenacious, a fighter right down to the very end. It was foreign to hear the sad, worn tone of her voice. “Its not like I didn’t see it coming, Jensen. I guess I just kind of hoped the threat would snap you out of it.”

So, she hadn’t meant it. She was using the threat to manipulate me into doing what her definition of better was. However, it was far more reaching now than a little distance and arguments. It had given me time to think for myself. It had given me a more clear picture of the circus that had become my life. “I’m sorry, Danneel. I think this is for the best.” It was a strange, conflicting feeling. I knew that I was making the right decision for me, but it didn’t make the thought of letting her down any easier to swallow.

“Yeah… Okay.” I could tell that she was crying, my stomach felt like rocks were tumbling around when I realized it.

I felt the uncomfortable burn of tears behind my own eyes and struggled to keep them under control. “I’ll uh, I’ll get my stuff packed up when I get the next break.” I offered quietly, cringing at the crack in my voice.

She sniffed, “It’s no rush, Jensen. Its your home too.”

When I hung up I felt heavier than I had before I’d called. I’d hoped getting it over with would lift a little of the stress of it all, but it just made it more real. It made it just that more devastating.

I sat outside for a few hours, my mind going over the happy memories of my marriage and torturing myself with all that I had done wrong. The sun was setting when Y/n came out to the porch to check on me. If she had noticed how crazy awkward I had been over the past few days, she didn’t mention it.

“Hey, you.” She let her hand linger over my shoulder and squeeze before she took a seat in the chair next to me.

“I called Danneel.” I bowed my head, feeling the tears threatening to fall again. I hated how all of this drama caused my emotions to get the better of me. “She actually took it really well.”

I looked over when Y/n didn’t answer and found an uncomfortable expression scrunching her face. She sucked in a breath when she saw that I was staring at her. “Are you sure you…”

“I can’t tell her, Y/n. I just can’t. She won’t understand.” I spoke over her hesitant words with more conviction than I actually felt.

“I think you’re under estimating her, Jen. You can’t go back to set carrying this all on your own.”

“I’ve dealt with this all on my own just fine.” I grumbled at her, feeling suddenly defensive. I had, hadn’t I? Up until a few days ago I hadn’t had any help at all.

“Oh, it was just great Jensen.” She shot back in her patented sarcastic tone, “You just punched your best friend and nearly killed yourself on my sink! But, yeah, you were doing great.” She rolled her eyes in exasperation, the action made me think of her as a teenager. Defiant. Sarcastic. Angry.

This wasn’t helping, “Okay, I get it… Okay? I wasn’t dealing well, but I did what you wanted, right? I talked to that Kyle guy. I’ve calmed down, I’ve dealt with my wife and now I’m about to go back to work. Where I suspect it will do me a hell of a lot of good to be back to normal. Its a whole hell of a lot better than feeling like I’m under a fucking microscope here.”

As soon as it was out of my mouth I regretted it, feeling her physical flinch like it was my own. She looked away from me, gritting her teeth together. It was probably against the smart ass retort she so wanted to say, but for some reason she held back.

“I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” I reached out tentatively to touch her arm, “Y/n, m'sorry.”

I could tell that my words had hurt her by the shiny wash of her eyes, but she put her hand to cover mine. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I pushed you. I’m just worried, is all. I’ll be in Siberia soon and you’ll be back to business as usual all the way in Canada…” She sniffed a little and to my horror I realized she was crying. “I know it was a sucky time for you, and the entire situation pisses me off more than you will ever know. But, I’m gonna miss you like crazy.”

I couldn’t stand the distance anymore and I pulled her into my lap to hug close, her legs hanging off the arm of my chair. “I’m gonna miss you too, but we won’t wait so long next time, okay? I promise.” I buried my nose in the hair at the back of her neck, breathing in deeply. Trying to commit her scent to memory to tide me over the long months ahead. She just couldn’t understand how much I understood and how much I was going to miss her too. Being here with her, albeit stressful because of extenuating circumstances, had reminded me to take care of myself. To stop and think about what I wanted. What I needed. My conclusion, although it was coming a little late in life, was that I just needed her.

~~~~~~~~~  
I left her house with a heavy heart but hopeful that I could kick this whole situation in the ass. I expected it to be a little awkward on set and to be honest I could tell people were walking on egg shells around me for the first couple of days. I expected Jared to rag me at least a little, but of course he was back to being his great self and I had nothing to worry about. It was like no time had passed. It was as if we’d never thrown punches at each other.

Soon it seemed like the past few months had flown by and we were wrapping up the last few scenes of the season.

I’d had a bit of a rough patch, maybe a month previously, when Danneel had packed all of my things from home and had them sent to set. I’d gotten piss drunk with Jared at my apartment and when he passed out I drunk dialed Y/n. She didn’t seem to mind the intrusion as she was in a tent in the cold of the Siberia wilderness.

She’d just finished describing some of her more memorable shots of the tigers, full of wonder and passion. I wanted her right there beside me so much that it physically hurt. “Sing somethin’ for me.” I requested, my words kind of running together, my lips seemingly having a mind of their own. “I haven’t heard you sing in ages.”

“Well, that’s because it sucks and I haven’t sang anything for ages.” Then she added in a softer tone, “Besides, you’re not playing your guitar.” If I wasn’t mistaken I could detect a hint of nostalgia and that in turn made my heart ache.

“Please? I miss it. You don’ need m'guitar to sing.” I rolled over to cradle my phone to my ear and pull a pillow to my chest. I was trying to fill the emptiness that I suddenly felt, to cure the ache in my chest.

She huffed, then replied quietly, “Any requests?”

“Anything.” I responded breathlessly.

“Fine. But if some predator tries to take me out because it thinks some prey animal is injured, its your fault.”

So close, no matter how far  
Couldn’t be much more from the heart  
Forever trust in who we are  
And nothing else matters

Never opened myself this way  
Life is ours, we live it our way  
All these words I don’t just say  
And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you  
Every day for us something new  
Open mind for a different view  
And nothing else matters

Never cared for what they do  
Never cared for what they know  
But I know

So close, no matter how far  
Couldn’t be much more from the heart  
Forever trust in who we are  
And nothing else matters

I recognized the lyrics immediately (and melted). I’d played the simple notes to this song over the phone countless times for her. She’d want to hear it if she was sick or couldn’t sleep. It was instantly soothing to hear the words from her lips now. It was one of those songs that wound its way into your soul and soothed you from the inside out.

I chuckled, “I think you just made Dean Winchester cream his pants.” Oh, yeah, and me if I wasn’t so drunk and could get it up.

She scoffed a laugh in return, “Fuck Dean Winchester, how are you feeling?” I could tell by the vibrato in her voice that she was freezing her ass off.

“Hey, I happen to be rather fond of Mr. Winchester.” I tried to reign in the broad, dopey smile on my face. It was so wide it made it difficult to talk normally. “However, your beautiful voice did the trick. I feel loads better.” And it was true. This song had soothed many wounds in its existence between the two of us. “How ‘bout you hurry up n’ get stateside so I can keep you warm.”

“Ha, yeah. I’ll get right on that my dear drunkard. How about you get some sleep now, huh? You’re going to be hating life tomorrow.”

I’d reluctantly said goodbye, her sweet voice singing those meaningful lyrics to me as I fell asleep.

I needed to give her another call. I’d called a couple of times last week and spoken to her voice mail. She should’ve been coming back from her trip about the same time Supernatural wrapped. I hadn’t been too concerned until now. I got full fledged worried when I got a call from her Aunt Maggie.

Jared and I had been at the local Chinese restaurant stuffing our faces when my phone rang. “I need to get this.” I muttered in way of an apology, but knew he wouldn’t mind. The place was incredibly crowded at lunch hour so I kept my seat. “Hello?”

“Hey, kid. I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Aunt Maggie’s voice was never really a warm welcome because if she was calling something was up with Y/n.

“No, Aunt Maggie. Of course not.” I threw a smile in Jared’s direction because I could feel his look of concern. “So, what’s up?”

“I was wondering if you had heard from, Y/n. She was supposed to call as soon as she got in on Monday and that was two days ago… You know me. I’m two seconds from flying to Cheyenne myself to rip her a new one.” She was trying to keep it light, but her worry was evident. “So, have you?”

“Well, we can both rip her a new one because she made similar promises to me. I haven’t heard from her since… Hell, its probably been a week now.” Damnit. A week?

She let out a very frustrated breath, “That girl, I swear to God. Okay, well, if you hear from her…”

“Yeah, you do the same.”

She laughed, “You know as well as I do that she’ll call you first, kid. But, I will be sure to demand that she’s called you too. Talk soon.” And with that said the line was dead.

“Is something up with Y/n?” Jared asked around a mouth full of egg roll.

“Oh, she’s just gone MIA. Again. Probably nothing to worry about.”

“But you’re worried, right?” He asked with a knowing smile on his face. “You guys haven’t gone without talking for an entire week since that argument about conservation vs. population control.” Y/n was on the side of the cougars regaining numbers and I was on the people side who were concerned about getting eaten in their front yard. We could debate anything and be fine. As long as it didn’t involve animal welfare.

“Well yeah, but she’s an adult, Jared. We don’t have to keep tabs on each other. If she wants to disappear for a little while, who am I to freak out about it.” The egg drop soup I had been devouring was mocking me now. I wasn’t exactly hungry anymore, a knot of worry taking the empty place in my stomach. “She’ll turn up. She always does.”

“Did you tell her about the dream you had?” He quizzed while continuing to stuff his face, “You know, you are separated now…”

I pushed the bowl away, disgusted. “Oh, c'mon, Jay! That doesn’t mean anything. I’m still technically married. Plus, I’d rather die than tell her about that stupid dream. You know how many years of friendship that would destroy?” Or how much it would destroy me when she turned me down?

He stopped chewing for a minute, his face falling into a deeply contemplative state before he looked back at me. “You know, Gen talked to Danneel a few days ago. She made me swear not to tell, but I just can’t keep this from you. So, you have to promise you won’t do anything with this…”

“Maybe you shouldn’t then.” I grumbled, pushing the congealing soup idly around with my spoon. If you really put some thought into egg drop soup, it was really kind of disgusting. Was it just a bunch of egg yolk and chicken broth? I was sipping on chicken embryo. Ack. “We don’t need another person in a fucked up marriage.”

“Danneel is seeing someone. And I’m only telling you this because I don’t like seeing you so doggedly loyal to someone who isn’t doing the same in return.”

Ugh. I felt sick. However, I wasn’t as mad as I thought I would be. It did give me some sort of twisted relief because I couldn’t stop beating myself up for that stupid dream I’d had. That stupid, vividly sexy, awesome dream.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen is finally starting to feel okay about everything. He has a positive experience at a convention. He finds out what is going on with Y/N.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's medical babble in this chapter and I'm not a doctor. So, any medical mistakes I make were all in the name of writing a bit of cheesy medical melodrama. Enjoy!

It was May 5, two weeks since I’d last spoken to Y/n, and to say I was worried was an incredible understatement. Although filming had finished up the week before, I now found myself at a convention in Atlanta, GA. It was difficult to remember how a few months ago the show was in trouble of being cancelled. Apparently, people’s curiosity over my sex tape had driven them to actually watch the show. The ratings had shot up and I was having mixed feelings about it. There were now people watching the show because they’d seen my ass naked.

The silver lining was that the show was renewed for the next season, and the enthusiasm from the crowd today was palpable. Jared and the other cast seemed to be eating it up while I stood in the green room watching Mark and Jared’s panel. They both worked the crowd, charming the pants nearly literally off of the fans, and it was a sight to see. They were incredibly comfortable in their own skin up there. Me on the other hand? I’d taken an ativan or two about thirty minutes ago. Finally, the frightened animal trying to crawl its way out of my chest seemed to be tamping down.

Although filming was over, I still couldn’t quite get over the bone deep exhaustion that had my ass dragging from venue to venue. I’d stayed up the night before, sending threatening messages to Y/n in whatever medium I could get my hands on. Maybe she’d lost her phone? So, I gave up on the angry voicemails and text messages and sent a couple of choice words in email. I stalked her facebook page. Other than finding a few flirty pictures that I’d never seen before, there was no hint of recent activity. Now, I couldn’t get the picture of her wide, innocent y/c/e eyes peering up at me in some sultry inquisition.

I made it through the panel okay, with Misha carrying most of the weight. I even managed not to have a panic attack in front of everyone when one of the last women to stand up mentioned the sex tape. I felt mildly vindicated when I saw Misha tense up next to me, however, the girl soldiered on.

“I just wanted to say, on behalf of my friends and I, that we are so sorry for what happened to you. It was a disgusting power play. The minute the photos were put on the internet, we all cringed because we knew what a private person you are and how offensive this would be. We were all amazed by how you handled the situation with dignity and didn’t let it bring you down. You continue to be a huge inspiration to us all and we’re so very proud of you.” The girl was beaming with pride and sincerity and I felt the hot flush of tears on my cheeks.

Huh. This wouldn’t be the first time that a fan had moved me to cry. “Thank you so much.” It was an overwhelming, heady feeling to be told by a complete stranger that I’d done a good job, that they were proud of me. “That means so much to me.” I blinked rapidly, trying to stop the rush of emotion that threatened to spill forward right in front of the entire conference room. My emotions were all over the damn place lately.

She started to leave, but then turned back to the microphone as if something else had just popped into her mind. “Oh, and one more thing.” She smiled brightly, “Your old manager, he’s gonna have a hard time finding a job other than the McDonald’s drive thru.” She winked before walking off with her head held high, the rest of the conference room erupted into whoops and loud applause. I was completely stunned at their solidarity.

“Oh, yeah, I heard about that.” Misha commented, a wide cheshire smile on his face. “You guys sent a bunch of hate mail to his office and ransacked his website and facebook. Good job, guys.” He applauded with them this time and I couldn’t contain the the smile on my face.

The feeling stayed with me all the way through the rest of the con until I actually looked at my phone. I was waiting in the green room again for the photo op that was to take place in about 30 minutes. There were three missed phone calls, a voice mail and a single text message. It was all from Aunt Maggie.

To: Jensen  
From: Aunt Maggie

Y/n is in ICU at Casper Memorial. I’ll update you when I get one.

Ice cold fear slipped through my every vein and I felt paralyzed to my seat, my hand wrapped tightly around my phone as I stared at the screen until it went black. Oh God.

Oh God.

“Hey, you okay?” Misha’s voice broke through my shocked trance, the vice in my chest tightening painfully even though I’d already downed another ativan after the panel. His face was narrowed in deep concern and I couldn’t imagine what I must look like to him. Whatever it was made him crouch down to look at my face. “Jensen, what is it?”

My mouth opened and closed in a poor imitation of a fish, my heart pounding irregular and painful in my throat. “Y/n.” I choked out before I got to my feet abruptly, my brain finally computing what it was that I needed to do. “Y/n’s in the hospital. I gotta go.” I muttered, trying to think over how I would get there as I stumbled to my feet. Casper, Wyoming was such a world away from Atlanta, GA.

“Yeah, yeah… You go.” Misha’s hand on my shoulder was steady, “I’ll take care of it. Just… Be careful.”

I nodded. I think I nodded. Anything from the green room to the airport is a blur of activity. I’d arranged for a flight and a rental quickly just by a few clicks on my phone and I was walking through the front desk of Casper Memorial before I had really taken to heart what was happening.

I’d sent a text to Aunt Maggie when I had landed, but I’d had yet to get a response. I wasn’t one with a lot of patience when it came to situations such as these. So, I resorted to stopping by the front desk.

There was a slight woman in her mid thirties, blonde with blue eyes and looked to all the world like she could give a shit less about being here. Even less about my own crisis.

“Hi,” I tried my most charming smile, realizing that being an asshole would get me nowhere in this situation. “I’m looking for someone and they were just brought in not too long ago… I don’t even know where to start.”

“Name?” She questioned without even looking up, but I held onto sanity by the edge of my perfectly aligned teeth.

“Y/F/N Y/L/N.”

She nodded rather than bothering to mutter a word before tapping her press on nails against the keyboard in an agitated manner. “Are you family?”

Yes. “No, I’m just a… friend.” Friend didn’t even seem to cover what Y/N was to me, even before I had developed this stupid crush.

“Well, she’s in ICU. Family only.” When I didn’t move right away, she looked up in agitation. I saw the second of recognition in her icy blue eyes. “I’m sorry, Sugar.” She purred, her entire expression shifting to something she probably considered flirty.

“She’s actually a little more than my friend, you know? She’s pretty important, practically family. You sure I can’t…” I laid the charm on thick, watching her melt as I gave her the most pitiful expression I could muster. “I don’t even know what happened and I can’t get in touch with her Aunt. I’m so worried…” I let a little moisture gather in my eyes, feeling close to some sort of emotional outburst anyway. It was easy to slip into a familiar Dean Winchester head space. The man cried at the drop of a hat. In sharp contrast to his manly man’s bravado, I felt my chin wobble a little and I knew I had her.

She seemed to be under a spell, watching me with a rapt expression. She nodded, looking around suspiciously like a cartoon character. “Well, I might be able to do something…”

Surely she could? The hospital was about the size of my old high school. Their policies couldn’t be that strict when they were the damn size of Mayberry? She stood up and walked away, giving me a conspiratory glance. I fought to keep the look of disdain from my face and leaned against the counter.

“Jensen!” I turned immediately to find Y/N’s Aunt Maggie walking away from the vending machines with a bag of plain Lays. I was by her side in an instant, her arms wrapping around my waist because that’s just where she could reach. Aunt Maggie was a short woman with long, brown hair and wise hazel eyes. Her t-shirt and jeans were worn and thin. She wasn’t a very touchy feely person and she backed away to what she thought was an appropriate amount of space between us.

“Hey!” I didn’t bother asking her about the text. Aunt Maggie was a kind woman, however, she was rather absent minded and I had a suspicion that her phone was turned off or sitting in her purse somewhere. “How is she? What happened?” She was out at arms length, watching her face for any hint of how bad Y/N actually was.

She looked down at the snack in her hand and immediately my heart sunk into my stomach, “She’s uh, she’s hanging in there. She hasn’t woken up yet.” When she looked back at me her eyes were tearing up, “She was trapped in that ravine in her car for two nights, Jensen. Alone, hurt… I don’t know what happened yet. Nobody does and we’re not likely going to unless she wakes up.”

I fell into step next to her, putting my arm over her shoulder. The woman looked like she was about to fall over. “So, she’s heavily sedated or something?”

“No, she has some pretty significant head trauma. She’s just one big bruise, Jensen. I don’t know if… She probably wouldn’t want you to see her this way.”

The thought of not seeing her, no matter what her condition, was preposterous. “Aunt Maggie, there’s no way in hell that I’m not going to see her. She’ll just have to get over it.” I was trying to sound as kind as possible while getting my point across. There was nothing short of someone with a gun and handcuffs that was going to keep me from seeing her.

She seemed to get my point, nodding quickly in ascent. It was a noble attempt at trying to keep her nieces dignity, but she had to know it was a feeble plight. She quietly led the way through the halls and the activity in each hall we turned down seemed to double. Before I could fully prepare myself I was standing in her room just a few feet from her bed. The older woman was right. Y/N was one big bruise. The damage seemed to be mostly on her left side. There were tiny cuts scattered on that side, where the window must have shattered. A decent sized gash on her forehead where she must have hit the steering wheel. A spectacular splash of purple and black shaded around it.

Looking further down, her left arm was broken and in a heavy cast resting against her stomach above the covers. At first look, it appeared that her left leg was spared, but her right leg was in a full length brace. It was elevated by a contraption hanging from the ceiling. I couldn’t even begin to guess what was going on there.

My strong, always solidly stubborn best friend was a mess. She wasn’t intubated, but there was an oxygen mask placed firmly over her nose and mouth. Her heart beat pinged steadily on the monitor just above her bed. Small and pale in stark contrast to the wounds on her face and the stillness of her body. I felt the all too familiar nausea and I came closer to puking than I had in months. I swallowed compulsively, closing my eyes against the scene before me but it was already seared into the back of my eyelids.

She was in terrible shape. She might not wake up.

I don’t know how long I stood there, cataloging her injuries, but I was alone. The hardened rancher was no where to be found and I worried that my best friend had been alone this whole time. She was the last person who deserved to be alone, unconcious or not. She had helped hand raise many farm animals in her time in San Antonio and had a lot of success with it. She told me that a sick animal, no matter the age, needed to be touched. They needed to be talked to and made to feel that there was someone with them because otherwise what else did they have to fight for or hold onto if they felt like they were dying alone? She felt that contact or at the very least kind words were crucial to an animals survival.

So, at the very least, she deserved the same dedication that she’d shown everyone else.

And hadn’t she just taken care of me?

With that in mind I pulled the plastic chair over closer to the bed, cringing at how the metallic scraping echoed in the otherwise quiet room. I let my fingers trace lightly over the nonbruised part of her face. As awful as she looked right now, she was still so fucking beautiful. Her dark lashes were in stark contrast the the light bruising around her eye. Her bottom lip was dry but still full and enticing. Her usually open face was pinched with what was probably worry and pain.

And suddenly, I was livid. It crashed into me like on coming traffic. “You asshole.” I breathed, feeling the swell of emotions crawling beneath my skin, “You fucking asshole. How could you do this to me, huh? You’re supposed to be careful and to take care of yourself. We’re supposed to grow old and be grouchy together at the same nursing home. You promised, you know?” I choked on the words, “You’ve had enough of sleep, now wake your lazy ass up.” I smiled crookedly, feeling the moisture slide down my cheeks, remembering the sight of her first thing in the morning. She was a grump, like a hedgehog rolled up with her spikes out. Her hair would be falling out of her pony tail in a wild fluff, her normally bright eyes would squint as if the entire world was against her. She was never quite human until she’d finished that second cup of over sugary goop she called coffee.

I found my way to her hand, unmarked but ice cold, so I covered it with both of mine like I could stop time and just hold her there with me. How miserable it would be to be trapped in your own head, freezing your ass off. Because that was just it. She was just vacationing in there, she wasn’t just… gone.

The chilling thought propelled me to be a nurses biggest pain in the ass for the entire evening. Honestly, I didn’t start out trying to be a pain in the ass, but damnit I wanted to make sure the girl was as comfortable as possible. I asked for warmed blankets. I inquired about her pain levels. I asked for more pillows because surely unconscious people deserved to be fucking comfortable damnit. I even managed to talk the nurse into bringing me a tube of chap stick so Y/N lips weren’t so dry and cracked looking. And, soon, after I’d sent the poor nurse, Lila, in too many circles I was standing in front of the doctor.

“Dr. Spearman.” The man reached out to shake my hand, but seemed a little perturbed. He looked like he was trying to school his features into indifference, but the problem was the man had a very expressive face. It didn’t make me feel reassured. “You’re Ms. Y/L/N’s boyfriend?”

Well, what the hell? “Yeah, what’s going on with her? I was just informed a few hours ago.”

“Well, she arrived a few nights ago. It took a while for the fire rescue to find any identification. She was unconscious and by the looks of her wounds she’d been exposed to the elements for at least thirty two to forty eight hours.” I kind of blanked out, hearing it confirmed that she had been sitting in the wreckage of her car, alone for that long was just unbelievable. She must have been terrified, sure that she was going to die. I heard him mention head trauma, a coma, dislocated right knee from the force of impact and a broken left ulna. I felt like my heart had just been carved out of my chest.

I was probably cutting off some important doctor babble, but when it popped into my head my filter was gone. “What are her chances of waking up? How bad is this head trauma?”

“Well, were monitoring the pressure in her brain for swelling. If it can stay down I feel optimistic that she will regain consciousness. However, there is significant bruising to the frontal lobe and we can’t rule out any amount of brain damage. We won’t know the extent unless she wakes up.” When she wakes up, I supplied for him, shaking his hand again before he left me alone again with the steady beeping of monitors.

I sat back down in the chair, my ass felt bruisy from its unforgiving hard plastic surface. “You’re waking up.” I leveled her with the most menacing expression I could muster, trying to will my voice to steady. “You’re gonna wake up and everything is gonna be fine. There’s gonna be hell to pay for scaring the crap out of me, but everything’s going to be fine.”

I spent the night with my head buried in my hands.

~~~~  
I woke up to the vibrating in my pocket. It wasn’t constant, but it was persistent enough to drag me out of slumber. My neck and shoulders ached and my back cracked as I slowly sat up from my hunched position.

I scanned over the screen, looking over a few missed calls from my mother and several text messages. The text messages were from various people, including Misha, which lead me to believe that he had informed everyone of what was going on. I shrugged, shooting off a mass text to update them all. It filled me with a little warmth to know that everyone was worried about me and that the people I was closest to knew what Y/N meant to me.

I used these intermittent messages, and the flowers they sent to grace her hospital room, to carry me over the next couple of days.

Jared had sent these really vividly purple irises, which made me smile because they were her favorite. She had always had a thing for purple flowers, especially the wisteria that grew all over the place at home. She was always putting them in her hair like a flower child. I guessed that’s why her body wash and shampoo smelled like it.

There were some white roses and dark purple Gerber daisies in the bouquet my parents sent and the crystal vase joined the smattering of plants taking up space on the bench underneath the window.

Misha sent a rubber plant and I’m sure there was an inside joke there somewhere, I just wasn’t sure I wanted to ask.

I spoke to my mother outside the room for about ten minutes. Hearing from her helped to center me for a moment and her offer to fly up was tempting. But, she only got off the phone when I promised to keep her updated and that I was taking care of myself. If coffee and little sleep was taking care of myself.

Aunt Maggie kept herself scarce, only visiting a couple of times a day to insist that I grab a shower and some sleep. She wasn’t a very nurturing woman, she was solid in what she did, but there was very little that was soft about her. I knew she cared for her niece, but she was never very good in emotional situations. I guess that was the hardened businesswoman created by having to make hard decisions on a ranch. When I came right back an hour or two later, she was quick to vacate the room, leaving the spot I’d left her in by the window.

Y/N must have gotten her compassion and kindness from her own parents. I didn’t really remember what her parents were like. I remembered her Mom being around as we were growing up. Occasionally she would bring her husband along, but he usually retreated to the back porch with my father where I’m pretty sure they snuck cigarettes like a bunch of high schoolers hiding from their parents. I’d found it amusing. Y/N usually hung out with her Mom and my Mom, seemingly comfortable and close enough to her Mom to make it look like she was hanging out with her best friends. Sometimes I’d see her hanging out with her Dad and my Dad, boldly inputting her opinions into their conversation without pause.

When Y/N had finally opened up to me after her parents had died, she’d confessed that she’d spent a lot of her time worried that something would happen to her parents if she didn’t stay with them as a child. She also admitted that if something did happen to her parents she had wanted to be with them. So, for a long time after their accident, she felt guilty as hell for surviving. Guilty that she hadn’t died with them.

The thing was, even though I hadn’t spent very much time with her as a child, I knew what kind of person she was. She was confident, comfortable with who she was in the world and her family meant everything. She trusted that her life would be okay and she refused to take anything for granted. She was thankful, well loved and well sheltered in the circle of her close family and friends. Which made it just that much more devastating when she lost both of them suddenly. It shattered her sense of security. It took her so long to recover.

It fractured something vital inside every time she cried, but a small part of me was honored because I had been the one she’d chosen to open up to. Before that it was like her parent’s death had been a disease that was absorbing all of the light and spark from her body. Like she was hunching in on herself, dying a little bit every day. Thin, pale and merely existing because my parents, in their effort to do something, shoved food in her face at every turn.

My parents, after they’d come home that night after their church function to find Y/N and I curled up on the couch together, had tried to give her some space. They realized that I had a knack for getting her to open up and talk. A few days after that they pulled me aside to point out that I’d obviously made progress. That some color had returned to her pale cheeks and that she’d started to eat a little more. They wanted to know how I’d done it.

At the time, I explained that I just made myself a nuisance. I’d find where ever she’d found to hide and I’d bring my guitar along. Somehow, my sad attempts at trying to learn new songs inspired her to talk. It may have been to just get me to stop, but I never really believed that. Sometimes she wouldn’t even acknowledge my existence, but she’d close her eyes and lay back in the grass to listen.

Some mornings I’d wake up to find that she’d crawled into my bed some time during the night. She’d be curled up, her face pressed into my back, my shirt fisted in her fingers and hogging the covers. Sometime later, maybe a few weeks from the first time, she admitted that she had nightmares about her parents’ accident. She would wake up terrified, a small part of her just wanting to die, stumble up the stairs from the couch and snuggle up in my bed. Despite my knee jerk reaction to say something when I woke up, I never did. I kept quiet and let her take from me whatever she needed. And if I woke up to her tears soaking my shirt, well, I never said anything about that either.

That’s how our relationship had always been. Close. Understanding of the other. When things went to shit we seemed to be drawn to one another and the comfort we could offer.

However, the point was, if she could survive that at such a young age and turn into the person that I knew now… She was going to dance through this. And I would do whatever it took to make sure that happened.

So, in the quiet of the day, while she continued to vacation in her own pretty head, I made arrangements.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen continued to spend time at the hospital as Y/N shows signs of waking up.

Sometime on Day four, Mike made an appearance and he wasn't too happy. He caught up with me on one of my many trips to the coffee machine. It was truly awful coffee, but it filled the hole. The moment he'd walked through the front sliding doors and zeroed in on me I knew I was in trouble.

"She's been here for nearly a week and no one thought to tell me what the fuck was going on? I kept calling her damn cell phone so much that a fucking nurse picked up to tell me where the fuck she was!" He'd huffed indignantly with his hands on his hips like a scorned woman. "You're lucky I just kept taking care of the horses when I didn't hear from her!"

To be honest, he hadn't even crossed my mind. Sadly, neither had her horses. "Sorry about that... Aunt Maggie didn't call you?" I mean, its not like I had the dude on speed dial to begin with.

His face turned the shade of a very ripe Roma tomato, it wasn't a very good look for the usually clean shaven nice guy. "Who the fuck is Aunt Maggie? How is she? What the fuck is going on?" There was seriously a vein bulging out of his forehead that made me worried for his health.

I grinned internally, mostly because I didn't want to discover what his fist felt like on my face. Like I said, he was a nice guy, but the dude was corn fed and built like a brick shit house. "Uh, her Aunt Maggie is who got in touch with me. I just assumed..." I trailed off at the murderous look he was conveying, or maybe he was just constipated. "Anyway," I piped up a little too cheerfully, "She's hanging in there." 

I filled him in on her recovery, which besides the fact that her vitals were looking a little better from having fluid therapy and antibiotics, wasn't much different than when I'd arrived. We'd just found out from a friendly visit from the local PD that it appeared, according to the skid marks on the road close to where she'd gone over the ridge, that she'd avoided hitting something. There was apparently a high volume of deer in that area, especially at the time of night that they figure she was on the road. Typical that Y/N would go over a fucking cliff to avoid hitting a damn deer.

He'd insisted on seeing her. So, I put a gag on that little niggling voice in my head screaming, 'mine', and lead the way. And it took a great deal of my very small amount of self control to allow him some privacy. When he left, looking extremely reluctant to go, he assured me that the horses were taken care of until she was better. He also demanded that I keep him updated and we exchanged phone numbers. It was a strange day.

The icing on the cake for day four? I was served with divorce papers right in front of the vending machines in the waiting room. And damn if that didn't make me want to sign them right then and there. The divorce had pretty much been a forgone conclusion, but it had been the furthest thing from my mind for the past few days. Which, thinking about it, probably further necessitated the divorce to begin with.

It took a few months for me to stop checking my phone every five minutes in expectation of a text from Danneel, not to send one when something noteworthy happened. I still found myself being filled with complete emptiness when I laid in bed at night without a 'goodnight' phone call. It was selfish and some might call it my own damn fault, but these past several months had been the most lonely time I'd spent in my life.

If I'd thought that the moments of stress and turmoil had been rough before Danneel and I had separated, I'd been incredibly mistaken.

Up until the convention in Atlanta and Y/N's accident, I'd monopolized my friend's time and home life just to keep myself from drowning. The best thing to come out of this entire ordeal was the realization that I had some of the greatest people in the world as friends.

On day five, Y/n showed the first signs of actually waking up. Her fingers started to move, clinching experimentally around mine. Her y/c/e eyes fluttered open a few times but she never focused on anything. It was terrifying to see the eyes that were capable of so much inflection to be so blank. 

By the next day, I hadn't moved an inch. I was totally rapt with interest, watching her eyes dance beneath her eye lids. I was just waiting for her to open them again. I dared any of her nurses or her Aunt to even think about asking me to leave for anything. Of course, that lead to an awkward moment when they stripped her down for a sponge bath. I did turn my eyes to the window, after I'd gotten a good look at what was probably the bruised ribs that the doctor might have mentioned. It was already starting to turn a little green and yellow around the edges. The bright coloring made the black script of her tattoo stand out in stark contrast, Love her but leave her wild.

I'd been with her when she'd gotten that. It had been in the after math of a bad break up where she'd realized how much she'd tried to change just to keep a boyfriend. One that hadn't treated her the way she should have been from the start. She'd been so pissed off at herself that she wanted to have a permanent reminder of what she'd done. Plus, a warning for anyone else in the future that thought changing her in any way was a good idea. I didn't understand why anyone would try to.

In fact, despite never having slept with Y/N, I'm pretty sure I could identify where most of her scars came from. It was just a matter of knowing someone so completely. Some were plainly visible on the outside. Some were on the inside. I was familiar with those too, as she was with mine.

It was shortly after her bath, while I was still watching the traffic slide by for rush hour, when a soft noise pulled me from my revere. I watched for a moment, trying to confirm that I wasn't just hearing things now, because that was a solid possibility. I'd spent too many hours alone in these four little walls with only the beep of the pulse ox to keep me company. But, then the toes on her left foot stretched and flexed like she was taking her own inventory of her injuries. I was almost afraid to walk those few steps over, to see her eyes caught in a fog of pain staring back up at me.

A painfully bright feeling of hope burst in my chest, treacherous moisture pooling in my eyes before I could stop it. "Hey, sweetheart." It felt like I would choke on the lump rising in my throat, my voice raspy with disuse. She tried to sit up, but I put a hand on her shoulder to keep her still. It was reassuring to feel her warmth beneath my fingers. "Don't try to get up, you're okay." I don't know why I was whispering, but I was fighting the urge to crawl up next to her and wrap her in my arms. Maybe I'd wrap her up in a blanket and kiss her ridiculously pretty face until I could breathe again. "You had an accident, been out for a few days, but everything's gonna be just fine." When she seemed to settled a little, her eyes still searching my face for answers. I put my free hand on the side of her face, my thumb brushing against her cheek in what I hoped was a soothing gesture. 

She pried off the mask with a shaky hand. "What-" Her voice choked off like her throat had constricted, her tired face twisted with frustration and pain. With great strain she struggled to talk in a hoarse whisper, her eyes lids becoming red rimmed against her pale skin. "What hap- happened?"

"You scared the fucking shit out of me, is what fucking happened." I grumbled as I had to put pressure on her shoulder again to keep her from sitting up. So freakin stubborn. "Stay still. I gotta call your doc. You've been sleepin' like a lazy ass." The signature eye roll did more to soothe me than her opening her eyes.

It took a moment for the doctor to arrive, and I stared at her stupidly, afraid to blink and find that it hadn't been real. When he and Aunt Maggie arrived, Y/N asked her questions in broken, hoarse words. From this he gathered that some how there had been damage done to her vocal chords. Since there was no obvious trauma to the neck itself, it was concluded that she had screamed so much that she had possibly done damage to her voice. The pang in my chest was a sharp feeling, boring a hole where my heart used to be when I imagined Y/N filled with absolute terror, screaming for someone to help her.

With Aunt Maggie standing close by, I left with the ruse of getting some coffee. I walked down to the lobby slowly, trying to shake the new image out of my head. She had always been so damn strong, I had no doubt she would over come this just like she had everything else that had happened to her. But, how was I going to get over this? How would I ever be able to trust that she would call me back soon every time she didn't answer her phone? That my thoughts wouldn't immediately go to dark, hopeless places? "Oh, Fuck." I slumped down in a chair just short of the vending machines, letting my face fall into my hands.

**********

The next few days were a study in patience. Y/N's stubborn will had her getting the physical therapist to show her how to use her crutches around the hospital, despite her urging that her arm should be more healed before she tried to shoulder thru. Despite her angry protests that she was doing just fine, I couldn't help but hover close by in case she decided to take a tumble. It completely pissed her off, but I was happy to take the abuse as long as she didn't suffer any more unnecessary pain.

It shocked me even further to find out that she intended to go home on her own. Completely frustrated, I opened the argument without thinking of the consequences. "And how the hell are you going to take care of yourself, huh? You can't function normally with just one working arm and leg! You get tired getting to the bathroom and back."

Her eyes narrowed into steely determination. "What, are you gonna stop your conventions to come take care of me? Fuck no! And you're not, do you hear me?" She added the last part with a little less venom, but her voice was raspy and harsh. "I'll manage."

"The hell you will 'manage'." I grumped back, neglecting to tell her I'd already made all of the arrangements before she'd even batted her damn pretty eye lashes awake. I let her think I'd conceded defeat. I'd already jumped through the legal details of backing out of the conventions I'd signed up for in the off season. I'd apologized a thousand times over again to Jared and Misha who would be left filling in the holes while I was gone. But, the thought of her doing this alone was unconscionable.

On the tenth day, after a particularly nasty grumble fest between Aunt Maggie and Y/N, she was allowed to be discharged with the strict rule that she would need supervision. Aunt Maggie had given me a pointed look, already knowing my plans, but had agreed to the doctor's orders on my behalf. Of course even Y/N knew better than to argue with Aunt Maggie. She took no prisoners.

 

**************  
Aunt Maggie verified that the refrigerator was full and Y/n's prescriptions were filled then swiftly left after mussing her nieces hair. Aunt Maggie's diesel made a show of rumbling down the drive way and I held my breath for when Y/N's wrath would be tripped. It took her a few seconds to catch on, her brain seemingly worn out after the circus of being discharged and moved. However, when she realized that Aunt Maggie wasn't coming back and I was sitting down in one of the recliners to make myself comfortable, her eyes narrowed.

Instead of the whip crack ass kicking I'd been gearing up to, she sighed heavily, pinning me with her pleading doe eyes that nailed me in the stomach every time. "Jensen. Damnit." Words froze in my throat. At the hospital she'd been all spit fire and impatience one minute and thankful and loving the next.

I'd expected anger. I'd expected her stubborn, belligerent will. I hadn't expected her to close her eyes and fight not to cry, her bottom lip quivered dangerously. Her emotions had been every where. Every where except this absolute desolation that I felt rip something vital in my chest. "Hey, it's okay." I slid over to the couch, wanting to reassure her but terrified that I'd hold too close or too tight and hurt her. "It's gonna be okay, Sweetheart." I put a hand on her back, hoping the spot between her shoulder blades was uninjured, and soothed my hands over the fabric of her t shirt.

Her voice was barely above a harsh whisper, but she seemed determined to say what she had to say. "You do this every time, Jen. You can't do this, not this time, damnit. You can't just drop everything to put me back together again. I can do this on my own." Her voice ended in frustrated growl and it was twisted how that little bit of fire from her made me feel a little better. But, it only lasted for a second. Her eyes were focused on her cast where I'd quoted lines from her favorite songs and funny movies while I was bored, but there was nothing humorous about her expression. "I'll do whatever you want, Jen, but you can't sacrifice for me."

Too late and surprisingly too easy, darlin'. "Really? Anything I want?" I put all of my effort into cramming as much innuendo into the question and my face as possible. Fuck, I'd dance around in a fucking tutu while singin Tiny Dancer by Elton John if it would take the dejected look off of her face. "Cause, I gotta tell you, Sweetheart. I got some serious kinks."

I succeeded in pulling a corner of her lips up in a wry smile, but it was clearly going to take a great effort to get the haunted look from her eyes. It was like the entire time at the hospital had been a show and now it was all caving in on her. I couldn't even begin to imagine what it felt like to be her, injured and alone and scared out of her mind. Screaming for help or in pain and knowing that no one knew where she was or was coming to find her.

"I'm just gonna..." She moved away from my hand, seeming to shrink into herself a little. "I'm just gonna lay down."

I was up in two seconds, ready to help her to her room and make sure she was comfortable. But the look she gave me stilled my actions and made one thing abundantly clear. She was doing this by herself if she had to crawl to bed and God help me if I even touched her.

"I appreciate it, but I got this." And I was left to watch her awkwardly use her crutches to go down the hall and disappear into her room. If I had any illusions that this was going to work out somehow, that it would just somehow be okay, I felt like I was going to be sadly disappointed.

If I had been paying attention instead of freaking out every damn minute I would've seen this coming from a mile away. This was what she did when things got tough. She shuts down and pushes everyone around her away as hard as she can. She did the same thing the summer that her parents had died. She'd given people what they wanted for as long as she could and then defaulted to this closed off version of herself. I'd spent hours in her silent company just trying to break apart that outer shell.

I gave her a couple of hours on her own before I attempted to offer her something to eat. I was positive that she would need more pain medication soon and she'd been advised not to take it on an empty stomach. The door wasn't locked when I pushed it open, the light from the hallway spilling into the dark room and splashing color onto her bed. She appeared to be asleep, but I could tell it wasn't a fitful one. Nor could she be very comfortable.

She was laying on her back, one shoe off, the other shoe unlaced but still on the foot of the knee she dislocated. Like it was just too much of a struggle to take it off. Her broken arm was awkwardly bent to the side and her right arm was resting above her head. She'd worn a green Yoshi t shirt and a pair of gym shorts home from the hospital and hadn't bothered to change. Her t shirt rode up to expose a swath of strangely appealing bruised skin. Her hair was pulling out of her pony tail and falling around her face in wisps, framing a frown on her lips.

She sucked in a breath, stretching her good arm over her head and yawned wide. Even in the small act of waking up she looked a little surly. But that was alright. Surly I could deal with.

I pulled her shoe off carefully, resting it beside the other and sat down on the edge of the bed at her hip. "Hey, you." There was a low rumble of thunder in the distance, soft flashes of lightning pulsing the entire room into view. It was storm season in Wyoming, and this thunderstorm had been coming for nearly an hour. The flat surface of the Wyoming plain making it visible for miles.

"Time is it?" She looked like an angry blue bird from National Geographic, if angry blue birds had a pouty bottom lip. Her voice still sounded painfully tight and hoarse, but she was managing more words now.

"It's about nine. You hungry?" My fingers seemed to have a mind of their own and a death wish as they pushed the strands of hair from her face, skimming carefully over her cheek. "I was thinkin... Maybe some peanut butter toast. Not too heavy on the stomach... Then some pain meds a la cart?" I marveled a little when she didn't move to smack my hand away. It was even more interesting to me that she seemed to be contemplating my offer.

She pinned her wide pain bright eyes on me after a moment, innocent and pleading. "Maybe some elbow noodles and butter?" 

God, that look was dangerous. I felt my lips helplessly mold into a smile, "Anything for you, darlin'."

That seemed to raise her hackles, "Stop looking at me like that." She grumbled as she rather ungracefully pushed herself into a seated position, a scowl still on her face.

I was completely thrown and if I wasn't used to her attitudes I might actually have whiplash. "What?" Did I have a 'let me love you, wrap you in bubble wrap and feed you cookies' sign stuck to my forehead or something?

"Like I'm a damn wounded baby bird." She grumbled again, trying to scoot to the edge of the bed. It was an awkward attempt and I moved out of her way and kept my hands to myself while she worked through the situation at her own pace. It was better for all of my limbs and major organs this way.

Once she was situated, I put my hands into the danger zone again, my finger tips lightly tracing the crude attempt at a flower I'd drawn on her bright pink cast as I stood in front of her. "You kind of are."

She continued to frown, but didn't move as my hands came up slowly to cradle her jaw, tilting her face up. My thumbs were feeling especially suicidal as they caressed her flushed cheek bones and the rest of my body invaded the space between her awkwardly splayed knees.

I kept my voice incredibly soft and quiet, terrified of a wrong move with my skin touching her skin. "But you're going to be okay, you hear me? You're going to be okay because you're the strongest, bravest person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. I know it's going to be hard, but we'll get through this. Just you and me, got it? I've got you." And I love you. And I would rather fucking die before I let anything happen to you again. "And I almost lost you, so you're going to have to deal with me hovering for a little while. Please?"

I watched her swallow, blinking a couple of times before she nodded her agreement with sparkling eyes that wouldn't leave mine. She was right there, our lips less than a few inches away, sharing breath. I was close enough to count the individual lashes that normally looked like smudges beneath her eyelids. I was close enough to feel the warm pull in my gut telling me to wrap her in my arms and lose myself in her skin and soft rose bud lips.

There was a clap of thunder loud enough to rattle the walls, breaking the spell and bringing me back to reality. The ache in my chest resettling there because now wasn't the time. Y/N was hurt and vulnerable in ways that she hadn't been in a long time. Right now she needed me to be who I'd always been. At a safe distance, I swallowed down my disappointment, "Why don't you stay put and I'll bring you back some noodles. I've got an idea."


	9. 2008

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flashback to 2008 and the story to why Y/N got her tattoo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a bit of angst and fluff. I'm not sorry.

2008

It was that unsteady time at the end of Season 3 when everything was high paced and starting to wrap up. The writer's strike had just ended a couple of weeks prior and we were trying to film as much as we could. There were several 14 hour days ahead of me and my relationship with Danneel was still new and exciting. My time was split up between the set and hanging out with her. 

I'd had contact with Y/N this entire time in passing conversations over the phone and several quick text messages. I'd seen her for a short lunch on a visit home during the break. She was 28 and busy with her photography that had just been picked up by a firm that wanted to present them in a collection. She had spent the previous years in college and then traveling to the far reaches of the world for her work. She had some amazing stories. However, in just the 30 minutes I got to spend with her, I could tell things were not going as well as she wanted me to think.

In the past couple of years she'd gone from that carefree Texas girl to something I would call sophisticated and refined. She was more polished and poised, paying more attention to how she looked than she'd ever done before. However, what I noticed the most was that she was more stressed and it had nothing to do with her burgeoning career. It had more to do with the guy she was dating. He was some big agent at an investment firm with tons of money and tons of (dickish) personality. Seriously, if the man's nose was any further in the air he'd be looking straight up at the sky, but he played at being humble.

It was a sweet story, really. They'd met while volunteering at an animal shelter, in the middle of the puppy room it had been love at first sight. It was disgusting how she'd talked about him non stop during every conversation we had. So, I knew this guy Alex really well even though I'd never met the guy. Any time I'd swung by to visit, he was busy with something corporate. However, he was quick to be by her side if she had any sort of attention from the press because of her work. He was there dressed in his trim black suit and smarmy white smile, a possessive arm across the small of her back and a hand on her hip. 

We'd always gone home for the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, but she hadn't shown at my parents house for those years. But, I really didn't worry too much because if anyone could take care of themselves, it was Y/N. It wasn't until she showed up on set during one of those overcast, chilly days in April that I'd realized how fucking wrong I was.

The light, misty rain was annoying as it blew in my face on my way to the gate. A PA had come to get me from my trailer while I was taking a last run of my lines for the next phase of filming to tell me I had a visitor. I hadn't been expecting anyone and I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time. Perhaps I was thinking it was Danneel, but then again the front knew to let her through.

But, I wasn't prepared for seeing Y/N leaning against a yellow cab, the hood of her jacket pulled up and shadowing her face from view. Only the light of the cigarette she was smoking could be truly defined. I couldn't get to the gate fast enough. She hadn't called and didn't say a word, but her slumped posture said it all. Not to mention, she never smoked unless she wanted to freak me out at parties. My mind went to dark places immediately. Who was hurt? Or even more sadistically, who had died?

She finally noticed me, putting out the cigarette that she'd had perched between her fingers and grabbing her bag from the backseat before waving to the driver. The employee at the window shoved a clipboard at me so that I could sign her in. Then she was in my arms, her face buried into the spot where neck ran into shoulder, clinging for dear life. She was practically vibrating against my chest and I held her closer still.

"Hey, what's goin' on? What's wrong?" One hand found its way to cradle the back of her head as I felt the damp heat of her tears sliding down into my shirt. "You're scaring the shit out of me, Sweetheart... Is everyone okay? Is someone-"

"No, no. Everyone's okay." She mumbled, cutting my panic attack in half. Everyone else might be okay, but she was not.

"Let's get you back to my trailer, huh? Maybe some coffee?" At the mention of coffee she let up her death grip and pulled away and I felt my stomach drop. "What the fuck?" She hid her face beneath her hands as she tried to wipe the tears away. She looked mortified. "Tell me he didn't... Tell me that's not what I think it is." My voice was coming out as a frantic growl and I knew I needed to tone it down, but I was furious. Who fucking dare?

She jerked her face away when I tried to look at the area below her eyelashes that was tinted in black and deep purple. She took a shuddering breath, a grimace on her face, tears still sliding down her cheeks. "Not here."

I stared at her dumbfounded, unable to get my feet to cooperate with what my brain was telling me that I needed to do. We needed to get out of the eye line of everyone standing around. Granted there wasn't a lot of press milling around since the writer's strike had ended, but camera grips and PA's didn't need to be witness to this. Y/N didn't need whatever happened to her broadcast all over the set.

Eventually I gathered enough brain cells to point us in the direction of my trailer. Of course, the five minute to shooting call came as soon as we got there. I quickly brewed a fresh pot of coffee and got her into a dry hoodie. She was melting into the couch wrapped up in a blanket like a burrito, clutching to a cup of coffee for dear life when I left her.

It was hard to concentrate on set, but after a laughable 7 hours of filming, they let us. It was 5 am when I finally got back to my trailer and rounded up Y/N, intent on spending the weekend trying to figure out what the fuck had gone wrong. Luckily, Jared had plans for at least part of the time so we had the rental to ourselves for most of the weekend.

We got an early breakfast and curled up on my bed for a nap. She spent the entire time using my chest as a pillow while I texted Danneel to cancel the plans we had to spend the weekend together. Danneel wasn't too happy about it, but was completely understanding when I explained the situation. She wanted to help, but I told her I'd rather handle it alone. Danneel was curious about the only other girl I talked about as much as my sister, Mackenzie. Danneel knew she was part of the family, so she didn't show any signs of being jealous. It was good for her part because I'm not sure at that point in my life that it would have been much of a choice between the two. I would always choose Y/N.

It wasn't until later that she started to lose that haunted look. We'd involved the entirety of my wet bar and she was finally starting to relax. We'd instated the breakup game that we'd played many times before. If you think about the ex, you take a shot. Y/N was three sheets to the wind, but still hadn't broken a smile and it was wrenching something deep in my soul.

This called for drastic measures and I knew exactly how far to go. I picked the song off my ipod that we'd sung in a karaoke bar when I'd visited her at college 2001 and set it on repeat. I sprayed some kind of glitter body spray shit all over that Danneel had left in my bathroom. Stripped down to my boxer briefs, I put my arms through the straps of one of the black, lacy bras Danneel had left and slid out onto the hardwood floor of the living room with my socks pulled up to my knees.

Using a half empty bottle of Jose Cuervo I began yelling with the song now blaring throughout the entire house from my ipod dock. I started to swing my hips back and forth, prancing around and moving my arms theatrically. "You don't own me! I'm not just one of your many toys. You don't own me! Don't say I can't go with other boys!" 

It took her a moment to react, the alcohol swiftly flowing through her veins. Her face flushed a horrified red, her eyes widened in surprise. Soon, I was right in front of her, just getting into it, one arm swung out wide and swinging my hips. "Don't tell me what to do! And don't tell me what to say! Please, when I go out with you. Don't put me on display!" 

I put one leg up onto the coffee table, shaking my ass to the beat of the song and watching her shoulders shake with laughter. "You don't own me. Don't try to change me in any way. You don't own me. Don't tie me down, cause I'll never stay." I shimmied my shoulders like I had a big chest. When she peaked from behind her hands she was laughing so hard there were tears streaming down her face.

I grabbed her arms and pulled her up to spin with me, nearly taking out the coffee table and the new tv. "Don't tell me what to do! And don't tell me what to say! And when I go out with you, don't put me on display!" I didn't care. I'd do anything to keep that amused look on her face. "I don't tell you what to say. I don't tell you what to do. So, just let me be myself, that's all I ask of you!"

Finally getting into it, she grabbed the Jose' Cuervo bottle and jumped onto the couch, swaying in time to the music. She unzipped the hoodie, flinging it off onto the couch as she sang. "I'm young! And I love to be young, and I'm free! And I love to be free! To live my life the way I want! To say and do whatever I please!" She pranced back and forth, nearly toppling over a few times but still smiling.

"You don't own me." Despite being drunk, her voice had now matured to a more full, smoky tenor. It was sexy as hell and I knew she'd be back on her own two feet in no time. She was doing some sort of shimmy with her hips and shoulders, her hair falling down to shade her face as she danced around the coffee table. "I'm not just one of your many toys. You don't own me. Don't say I can't go with other boys." 

What fucking idiot would dare lay a hand on her with the intention to hurt her?

The song repeated, leaving her face red and eyes sparkling and in a much better place than she was 5 minutes before. We danced around like that until she started to get tired and then Jared walked in.

"Don't tell me what to do!" She poked Jared in the chest while he watched the scene before him with wide eyes. I was now relaxing on the couch in my new outfit, feeling like I should be on the set of the Bird Cage. The room was honestly starting to spin a little, hence sitting down. "Don't tell me what to say! Just let me be myself! Thats all I ask of you!" She grabbed his arms and started to spin them around the living room, both laughing and running into the chair and couch like two idiots.

When they collapsed onto the couch beside me out of breath, Jared turned a critical eye on me. "Dude, what the fuck are you wearing?"

The next night I arranged for my brother Josh and a couple of my friends still left in Dallas to move her stuff from the loft apartment in downtown into a rental in Austin. We went into Vancouver and that's were she got the quote from Atticus tattooed on her rig cage, 'Love her, but leave her wild.' She'd never let anyone try to change her again.

For the following week, I introduced her to the trainer on set where she was given the beginning lessons in self defense and kick boxing. She wasn't going back out into the world not being able to defend herself. She'd never be left vulnerable to dicks like Alex ever again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen has an unwanted visitor and tries to keep his jealousy in check.

That night I found the movie Twister on Netflix and we watched it beneath the safety of her comforter while the storm raged outside. She'd eaten the butter noodles I'd made and taken some of her pain medication. Now, she was dozing off in the blue hue of the lap top screen and seemed content. She couldn't get too close because of her leg brace, but she was as closely plastered to my side as she was going to get with her head tucked firmly on my shoulder. It was a comfort to have her there, sleep pliant and relaxed. 

Once the movie was over, I tucked the blankets around her and left the door cracked in case she needed me. Just because I was still incredibly wired and worried I'd probably come check on her in a couple of hours anyway. Since her accident I couldn't seem to stay away from her for very long, constantly checking to make sure she was real and alive and okay.

I cleaned up the kitchen in relative silence, which only really consisted of putting dishes into the dish washer, but my brain was a cacophony of noise. I had been so close to telling her the truth, literally words away from just spilling my guts. Y/N had always had that skill of pulling things out of me that I hadn't even planned on telling a soul and now was no different. Just looking into her glittering Y/C/E eyes was like downing truth serum.

But, I was so afraid that this secret wouldn't be met with acceptance or understanding like the many times my secrets had been before. This wasn't something that would get a fond nod of admonishment. This had the power to absolutely obliterate twenty years of friendship. And she needed me now more than ever, didn't she?

I sighed, leaning my elbows heavily onto the counter with my head in my hands. I just didn't know how long I could stay so close to her and keep everything to myself.

**********  
The next day I let Y/N sleep in, only waking her to take pain medication throughout the night. It felt good to be taking care of her, to be doing something helpful after everything she had done for me the last time I was here. 

However, the warmth that I felt was lost when Mike just walked into the den like he owned the damn place without even knocking. Just his wide smile made me bristle, his gate confident as he by passed me to grab a cup of coffee from the kitchen. He frowned when he realized there was no coffee made, but quickly remedied the situation and leaned against the counter to wait for it to percolate.

Reluctantly, I followed him with the intention of offering him something like a good host in Y/N's stead, but saw that it wasn't necessary. I fought hard not to tense up and tell him to get the fuck out. Instead, I eyeballed his attire. Mike was definitely Y/N's type. He was all Wyoming cowboy, smelling of hay and horse, but all Boston altar boy in the face. I couldn't say he had a bad smell either and begrudged him a wave in greeting. "Afternoon..."

"Hey," he blew right through the uncomfortable tension in the room, "How's Mario Andretti?" The fact that Y/N had driven off of a fucking cliff did not make her a race car driver. You freakin prick.

I swallowed the grumble that wanted to rumble forth, "She's sleeping. I'm trying to keep her relaxed and comfortable. Keep things quiet." The last statement was actually a warning. Just because he thought he could march around her damn house didn't mean he could barge in and wake her up. She needed to rest.

He nodded, swiping a few bits of hay from his hair onto the floor. "She eating?"

"Some." I had to swallow down the idea that he would ask the same questions about a sick horse. "Had some noodles last night. I got her to eat some toast this morning."

"That's not near enough. That pain medicine is gonna make her sick if she doesn't eat somethin' more substantial." He nodded to himself as if he were having an internal conversation. I fought my upper lip to keep it from snarling, "I'll make her something. Works every time, you watch." He turned and started pulling things from the cupboards and lining them up on the counter.

Son of a... I stayed quiet, my hand gripping the island with such ferocity that my fingers were turning white. 

It was barely after noon, I'd just given Y/N her medication and I had nothing to do but watch with the biggest urge to be an asshole and stop this whole thing. How could Mike assume that he knew her better than I did? I'd spent more than half my lifetime trying to look out for the kid. I know things had been difficult when I went off to LA, but had she really found my substitute in Woody from Toy Story?

"Well, good luck with that." I finally grumbled out above everything else I really wanted to say and retreated to the hallway. I peeked in on her, letting the door creak a little as I nudged it open. 

She was awake, but had her ear buds in, a look of discontent on her face that I couldn't stand for one second. "Hey you." I bent down to be in her eye line and pulled an ear bud out and put it in my ear. The familiarity of the gesture went a long way to soothe the thorns that had pricked up by that... ha, prick... showing up and trying to take over. The melancholic harmony of some Hozier song was playing softly. "Emo much?" I quirked an eye brow at her, hoping for a smile, but none came.

She peered up through her sooty eyelashes, a wry twist of her lips begging to be set free on her mouth. "Its not emo. Its soothing." She almost looked a little guilty at this admittance.

I dared to touch her again, hoping my hand was a reassuring weight on her good arm. "Do you need soothin', Sweetheart?" Her skin was sleep warm beneath her t-shirt as I brushed against the fabric. To be able to touch her, offer her some form of comfort was good for me too.

She rolled her eyes, but her expression remained soft and vulnerable, completely open to the way she was feeling. She tipped her head to the side in question, "Listen with me?"

I couldn't crawl over her to lay on the bed next to her fast enough, my haste making her laugh. She let me rest my head on her shoulder and we laid there and listened to the entirety of From Eden. I could've stayed there the entire day, content just to breathe the same oxygen, but that wasn't too be.

An hour later the peace was interrupted by Woody... I mean, Mike, brandishing a big bowl of what looked to be chicken and dumplings like it was the holy grail.

How could he have whipped something up in such a short amount of time and have it actually taste good? Y/N practically beamed when Mike waltzed into the room with the same familiarity he had with the rest of the house. "Mikey!!" She sat up too quickly, wincing as she did, but covered it up with this a breath taking smile.

Mike had a similar smile on his face, bowing down in an exaggerated manner that made me want to fucking vomit or hit something. Seriously, I felt bile easing up my throat. "There's my pretty girl!" He put the bowl into her lap carefully after I'd helped her rest back on some pillows. "Don't eat that too fast, now." He sat down at her hip, an expectant look on his face and it was like I wasn't even in the room.

"You didn't have to do this." But she ate a couple of mouthfuls greedily, and how didn't I know that she loved chicken and dumplings? I knew plenty of her favorites, but I guess I'd been worried about anything too rich since she hadn't been eating anything heavy while she was at the hospital. I guess I'd been too cautious.

"But I did. Jensen said you weren't eating too much and I told him I knew how to remedy that super quick." He was damn proud of himself. I wanted to punch that smug look right off his face as she continued to devour what was in front of her. "This was all you wanted when you got that bad cold back in December."

And it hit me like a punch to the stomach. He knew because he was here when I wasn't. Suddenly I was tasked with the question of just what the fuck I was thinking? How could I assume I could even begin to be what she needed in a relationship when I couldn't even keep my marriage together. I could only visit when my life was falling apart. 

I was instantly sick.

"I'm just gonna..." I trailed off as I scooted off the edge of the bed and made a beeline for the door like a man trapped in a coffin. She might have said something but I didn't catch it as I practically jogged down the hallway to escape.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening either on the phone or in front of the tv cursing my stupidity. The urge to puke my guts out didn't really diminish as periodically I could hear them both laughing from time to time. It was selfish to be pouting. I knew she deserved to be taken care of and cheered up by as many people as possible. But why did it have to be Mr. Fucking Perfect face in tight blue jeans?

When the alarm went off around 6pm for her pain medicine, I kind of dreaded it. I didn't know what I would walk into as I made my way slowly down the hall way to her room. However, as concerned as I was, I refused to knock. I could traipse around here like I belonged as good as the next guy.

I was almost to the door when I heard them talking, Mike's voice tentative. "So, are you going to tell him?"

There was a long pause and I stopped in my tracks. Tell who what? "There's nothing to tell."

"That's bullshit." Mike didn't sound very patient, in fact he sounded incredibly angry. "You have-"

"No, I don't! He's got enough going on, he doesn't need me to add to it, do you understand?" She was whispering harshly like she might just take his head off for me, but I couldn't rejoice because... What were they hiding from me?

"It's a mistake." Was his only reply.

"Mike, now's not the time, please? Please don't say anything. It'll just make things worse." She was still whispering but I could hear the desperate plea behind the words. There was no doubt in my mind that they were talking about me, but what in the hell were they talking about? What would she not want to tell me?

It wasn't that they were together. It still remained a very possible theory, but she wouldn't shy away from telling me. There was something else going on and I stayed rooted to the spot for some minutes hoping that they would clarify just what the hell they were keeping from me. But it never happened. In fact, not another word was said until Mike made a hasty exit and nearly railroaded me into the wall.

"Oh, shit man. I'm sorry." And the horrible fact was that he was fucking sincere.

"Oh, yeah." I dodged his well meaning slap to the shoulder, "It's med time." I shook the bottle for emphasis and he nodded before ducking away and I was left to watch Y/N closely.

She peaked around me after she swallowed the medicine dutifully, seeming to make sure that Mike wasn't around. "Do you think I could have some Zofran?" She looked up at me a little sheepishly, "The chicken and dumplings were way too heavy and I feel like I could puke but I couldn't hurt his feelings..."

Who knew better now, bitch? I gloated internally, "Sure, Sweetheart. Anything else you need?"

She was quiet for a few minutes, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth like she was gearing up for something big. Then she seemed to crumble a little, a bashful flush on her face. "I really, really want a shower Jen. Can you help?"

What was incredibly horrible about this situation was that I knew what it cost her to have to ask for help. She didn't like asking in normal conditions, much less one where she felt like she was helpless and a burden. A shower would mean Y/N would be naked and wet and... Holy shit how was I going to get through that? "C-can't you just take a sink bath?" I squeaked out in a very unmanly protest, desperate to avoid what she was asking.

Her eyes turned liquid, pleading. "Either way I can't stand for long on my own. I need your help and I can't just call Aunt Maggie to come up from San Antonio. I know it's not ideal but you've seen me naked before, right? It's not a big deal. I just can't stand it anymore. I need to be clean and I feel so scummy and awful and-"

"Okay! Alright! Fine!" In hindsight, I was a little too clipped, but my brain was too busy trying to figure out how I was going to help Y/N bathe objectively.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen has been roped into helping Y/N take a shower. It's complicated.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully you like this update. It's taken me long enough, really. There's some smut in this chapter. So be warned and all that! Thanks so much for reading! Let me know what you think!

Y/N was fortunate because she had a walk in shower with plenty of space. Her house was modest, but she'd spared no expense when it came to her bathroom. She was unfortunate because now I was faced with dressing up her cast with a black garbage bag and some cute pink, Hello Kitty duct tape. She'd opted to take off the brace once she was steady in the shower to avoid another garbage bag covered appendage.

"God this is awkward. Remind me to never do this again." She grumbled as I sealed the last bit of plastic bag with probably too much tape. There was no way this cast was getting wet.

"Uh, damn right you're never doing this again." I answered with a little too much anger in my voice, feeling rather adamant about it while placing the tape on the counter beside the trimmed pieces of plastic.

"I didn't do this on purpose, you know?" She was still grumbling, but I couldn't focus too hard on her salty attitude because she was already trying to work her shirt off of her body. Here we damn well go. I watched her struggle and cuss to herself for a good few minutes before I finally gave in and lifted the very edge of the shirt over her head. If I could keep from making direct, skin to skin contact maybe I'd come out of this mostly unscathed. 

And no direct eye contact either. So, I turned away from her as she was dragging her shorts and underwear down past her thighs with one arm. She wobbled a little when she stepped away from the counter, but waved me away when I went to steady her.

"Should you be walking without crutches so soon?" Could I sound any more like my freakin mother?

"I can bare some weight, I just can't go crazy." She answered in a half hearted snippy tone, concentrating heavily on each step towards the shower while she drug a hand along the wall to steady her. She stepped into the shower and held onto the built in shelf. "Can you take it off for me? I don't want to let go." All agitation was gone, replaced with what looked like some serious anxiety. I guess if my knee cap had been where it wasn't supposed to be I would be afraid too.

"Yeah, alright..." I trailed off, shedding my clothes perfunctorily and folding them neatly to rest on the bathroom counter while chanting a mantra of unappealing, non sexy things in my head. Slugs. Granny panties. Christmas. Mom. I approached her slowly before bending over to study the brace. It was a little complicated. It had individually adjustable straps that then hooked into place on the inside of her knee.

"Seriously, you're gonna wear your boxers in the shower?" Her mocking tone made me blush, but I didn't turn my attention away from unbuckling the brace. "What are we? Five? It's not like I haven't seen you naked before, Ackles."

Her voice wobbled a little with her anxiety so I let it go without adding a comment of my own. The truth was that she had seen me naked. I'd also seen her naked. On several occasions, but I was not decidedly completely fucked with the harsh reality that I'd fallen for my best friend. Besides, they were non sexy memories where one or both of us had been deathly ill and had no choice. Yes, those were great memories to hang onto right now. They fit the bill and kept me from popping a very inappropriate boner while I attempted to help her shower.

With the brace off and my attention back on her face I noted that she looked rather pale. She was taking measured breaths and staring straight ahead towards the back end of the shower.

"It'll be okay, we'll be quick." I reassured, standing between her and the shower head. My boxer covered ass kept barely brushing against her naked skin, causing her to sway a little unbalanced. She gasped in a surprised breath, gripping the shelf even harder. "Shit, sorry. Sorry." Yes. The sooner this was over with the better for both of us darlin.

I hissed, catching the first bone chilling spray from the shower head, shielding Y/N from the chill until the water finally evened out into a warmer temperature. As soon as it was warm enough I stepped around her, trying my best not to touch unnecessarily. To be honest, it was still torture knowing there were miles of touchable, soft skin within reach and not have free reign. But, I sucked it up, concentrating on washing her hair, concentrating on the noise the water was making as it spattered against the black plastic on her cast.

She was quiet and responded instantly to my directions, tipping her head back so that I could shield her eyes with one hand as I rinsed her hair out with the other. The smell of wisteria was now permeated in with the warm steam. God, was wisteria a known aphrodisiac? Y/N made a noise of distress, wobbling unsteadily on her feet. "Almost done, Sweetheart. Hang on for just a minute."

I chanced a glance down to her face so that I could read her expression. If she wanted to stop I'd wrap her up in a towel and give her a damn sponge bath just to stop this madness. But what I saw made my own footing perilous. Her eyes were wide open, her lips slightly parted. The water was clinging to her dark eye lashes as she looked straight back at me like she was seeing me for the first time.

"You okay?" I chanced, putting a steadying hand on her shoulder. "We can do this in parts, you know? We got your hair done. We can come back and do the rest. Take a break?"

"N-no. Let's finish this." She blinked rapidly at the water beginning to sting her eyes and refused to make eye contact anymore. Slowly, I lathered up a face cloth and began with washing her neck and shoulders before steeling myself to wash the rest of her with clinical attention. Soon I was soothing the soapy cloth over the smooth contours of her back, swallowing loudly at our proximity. The only thing between my hands on her skin was a wet, thin wash cloth. Her warmth bled through the thin barrier and the look she gave me made my breath catch loudly in my throat.

Her vivid Y/C/E eyes were studying me with the shrewdness of a scientist observing their experiment. Self consciously, I licked the shower water that was gathering on my bottom lip, trying to figure out just what was going on in that mind of hers. She breathed out my name, barely a whisper as her attention focused then on my lips and I understood.

Whatever was going on between us, she felt it too. "Y/N?" I managed to whisper, feeling my stomach swoop pleasantly and my heart rate pick up. I ducked down to her eye level, dropping the face cloth and holding her face in my hands, trying to know for sure. Trying desperately not to just go with my first instinct because what if I was wrong? But she only stared right back, an openly hopeful shimmer in her eyes.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was barely audible above the water, "I tried not to let it show, how much I needed you. How much I wanted to be what you needed." Moisture threatened to spill over her eye lashes and she bit her bottom lip hard. "Jensen, I know its horrible timing. Can we just pretend-"

I couldn't stand to see her face screwed up with pain any longer. I'd already seen it that way enough to last me ten life times. So, I did the only thing I could think of doing, what my instincts were telling me to do. I pulled her face to mine, sealing my lips over hers into the shakiest, most electric kiss that I'd ever had. I felt her gasp on my lips more than heard her. I felt her hand slip from the death grip she'd had on the shelf onto my hip. Her fingers pressing in so hard that I thought for sure I'd have small bruises there later.

"You- I don't want to pretend." Forehead to forehead I struggled to control my breathing, relishing the feel of my hands on her skin because now she might actually want them there. "Even before... Even before..." I couldn't complete the sentence, feeling broken open wide in front of her. I kissed her again, hoping that she would get the message as my tongue collected the shower water from her lips before plundering her mouth.

She swayed a little, sucking in a startled gasp and it knocked me back down to reality. I pulled away, letting my hands fall to her shoulders to steady her. She was looking up at me now through her dark, wet lashes. "Don't let me fall." She begged with the most shattered look on her face and I knew we were on the same page. 

"Never." I breathed, pulling her close to wrap my arms securely around her. Which wasn't exactly the best move, feeling her wet skin against mine. I knew I was hard enough to pound nails, but I ignored it. Even if the card was on the table, Y/N was in no shape to have acrobatic shower sex.

I guided her hand back to the shelf so that I could continue washing her skin, sliding the newly soaped cloth tenderly over her body. When I was satisfied that she was clean I was hesitant to step out of the shower. The real world was outside this shower stall and I was afraid that the spell would be broken by reality. But, I sucked it up, turned off the water and guided her to sit on the towel I had spread out on the toilet seat.

She sat awkwardly, her left leg straightened out in front of her and another grimace on her face. The knee was still swollen and bruised in places and painful looking. I made sure to be gentle with the towel and she watched every move up until I'd fastened the brace on her leg and brought over her clothes.

"I can dress myself, you know?" Her cheeks were red, embarrassed by being the center of attention even if it was only me, and from the heat of the shower.

"I know." She huffed a little in exasperation, but allowed me to help her put her clothes back on. 

"Is it bad that showering has worn me out?"

"No worries kid." I muttered while I dried off and threw on my clothes. "How about I set you up on the couch and make us some lunch?" She nodded her head in agreement and refused any kind of help as she hobbled her way into the den. She settled on the couch with a soft smile on her face. 

As I went to cover her up with the blue afghan she gripped my shirt and brought me closer. I stayed absolutely still, bracing both hands on the couch behind her, as she studied my face. She seemed conflicted at first, her eyes dancing from one eye to the other before she landed on my lips again. "This is what you want?" Her breath was light on my face, teasing against my lips that were only a few inches away from hers.

"Yes." I answered, a little breathless. "More than anything." It was her lips that found mine this time and that somehow made it even more wonderful. I struggled to keep my feet because all I wanted to do was to collapse into her lap and connect us from head to toe. I wanted to revel in the knowledge that I wasn't alone, that she wanted me too.

It was late afternoon by the time I'd made a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches. We ate in comfort, watching more of that tv show, Being Human that she'd gotten me started on when I'd been sick. When the food was gone, she curled up as close as she possibly could and took my hand in hers. It was easy and comfortable but I couldn't help the current of happiness and want that was coursing through me.

\----------

That night we didn't even discuss sleeping arrangements, but I found myself snuggled in by her side in my boxers and a t shirt. She had pulled on some yoga shorts and a camisole. Her casted arm was awkwardly stretched above her head so that she could run her fingers through my hair. Again, it was comforting but the contact was also stoking a fire that had been burning for quite some time.

"This isn't weird?" I managed to say, not wanting to stop what I felt was going to happen, but still feeling like this couldn't be real. Was it possible that she was feeling the same thing I had this whole time?

"No." She leaned over and placed chaste kisses on my cheeks, my forehead, my chin and finally on my lips where I didn't let her retreat so quickly. Her fingers fisted in my hair when I sucked salaciously on her tongue. The twist of my hair sent an electric current straight to my dick, making me moan into her mouth.

She used her good hand to pull me closer, positioning me on my side while she still lay on her back. The friction was much appreciated as I couldn't help the aborted thrusts against her hip. It was getting a little harder to breathe, her lips taking every breath I dared to breathe. She guided my hand beneath her shirt, pulling it to rest on her bare breast. Her nipple was a hard, warm nub against my palm and I kneaded the handful like it was delicate and precious.

I moved from her mouth, kissed down her neck and teased my teeth over her collar bone. She moaned, pushing up into my hand and mouth like she couldn't get enough. The added friction on my cock was fantastic and I pushed back into her. "Oh fuck, Y/N." I could come like this. This wonderful, but not quite enough friction. I grunted in frustration, wanting so much to just slide into her heat and feel her surround me in a tight, wet grip. 

Instead, I mouthed at her nipple, the fabric between us rough on my lips as I nipped and sucked. Her grip in my hair tightened, pulling hard then holding me in place. Like she couldn't make up her mind where she wanted me the most. Then, her good hand had found its way down to my crotch and her fingers massaged exquisite friction there over the thin fabric of my boxers, causing me to whimper into her chest.

Oh God, this was heady and all encompassing, this want and love that I felt for this woman. It had been so long since I'd felt this consumed. It had been so long since I'd had someone else's hand other than my own to touch me. It was like I might shatter if she were to stop. I found my way back to her lips just as she slid her hand beneath the elastic waist band of my boxers and cradled my cock in her cool hands. The noise I made was like I'd been kicked in the stomach. Shocked and hurt and stripped down to nothing. "Uh- Fuck, Y/N."

I was desperate and floating when she wrapped her smooth, soft hand around me. She was holding my heart beat in her grip, using the precum I was leaking to slick the way as she began to stroke. I couldn't help it. I thrust into her hand and held onto her for dear life. Unable to concentrate on kissing, I was only able to press my mouth against hers and breath her air in tortured gasps and exhale embarrassing sounds only for her to swallow.

I was embarrassingly close, hanging precariously over the edge and unable to do anything about it. I tried to move my hands down to offer her pleasure but she shook her head. "Just you. Come for me, Jen. Give it up, baby."

I couldn't help the desperate cry that left my lips, pulling myself just that much closer to her skin, feeling the shock of pleasure filter through my veins. If she had this effect on me now, how would I last a second when I could feel her warm skin on my skin? "Close."

"So good. You feel so good in my hand, Jensen." She kissed my lips even though I could barely reciprocate, unable to control the noises coming from deep inside my chest. "Wanna see it. Wanna see you fall apart so I can put you back together again. Give it to me, Jen."

She twisted her palm, creating a perfect friction against the head of my cock and that was it. I let go. The orgasm shook me, vibrating from head to toe as I spent myself in devastating pulses into her hand and my boxers. She milked out every drop while she nibbled and sucked on my bottom lip until I was a whimpering, sensitive mess and she pulled away.

"Good?" She questioned and if I was completely in control of my faculties I would have read the uncertainty there. But my eyes were closed as I buried my face into her shoulder and tried to get a handle on my breathing.

Unconsciously, I mirrored her earlier words. "So good."


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen and Y/N get used to their new relationship situation. Are things going to be as easy as they seem?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is smut here. I got a little creative... I hope ya like it! I am still going to let them discuss the origins and what not of their relationship. But, I haven't done that here. Please let me know what you think!

I thought things might get a little awkward since Y/N'd had her hand on my dick last night. But, that was not the case. I woke up with the sunshine against my closed eyelids and the scent of her shampoo in my nose. "You smell so good, sweetheart." The sentiment slipped from my lips without my permission and I felt her laughter rumble in her chest beneath my hand. I tucked my face into her hair, just feeling the inextinguishable, burning warmth that was spreading through my entire body. I knew the feeling, but was it too soon to be feeling this way?

"Don't be all weird, J. It wasn't a religious experience." She grumbled into the crook of my arm. It was strange, the stupidly happy feeling that bubbled up in my chest at her hedgehog grumpiness. The response was so typically her that I felt the last bits of hesitancy fade away.

I decided to stow away the sentimentality, "I suppose you expect breakfast in bed with a side of Norco?" I finally found the will to open my eyes to the morning, finding the scene in front of me just as welcoming. Y/N's legs twisted in the sheets and was as close as she could possibly get with a brace and a cast to get in her way. Her camisole was riding halfway up her abdomen, showing off the bruises that had now faded to gray translucency.

The sight calmed some of jagged edges that were still cut up inside me. It was proof that she was healing, that this would be behind her soon just like everything else that she'd ever been through and conquered.

Now, she'd cracked an eyelid in my direction, a small but effective pout on her lips, her eye brows raising in question. "Some coffee?"

Some things never changed. I found myself leaning over, pausing just a hairsbreadth away from her lips. "Of course. Anything else?" I dragged my lips against hers and expected her to push me away and tell me that 'yes, brush your teeth.' But she didn't. Her grumpy, pleading expression melted into something else. Something I've never seen before on her face.

She pushed into my space, taking the kiss that I offered with enthusiasm. When she moved away she had a hand on my hip, and her eyes were exuding a certain warmth. "Don't be long?"

It was possible that we'd become a little codependent. Not that I would have any first hand knowledge of anything like that. So, between texts to Jared I brewed some coffee and happily scrambled some eggs. I debated throwing some elaborate, celebratory breakfast together, but Y/N still wasn't eating much. So, I reigned it in. There was plenty of time to be stupidly domestic. Jared's return text drew my attention away for a moment.

**Jared 9:03am: Dude. Finally.  
Jensen 9:04am: What do you mean, finally? Asshole.  
Jared 9:07am: I'm not an asshole. Asshole.**

I'd managed to not screw up a batch of scrambled eggs with cheese and was in the process of buttering some toast when my phone chimmed against her counter top. I wasn't expecting to have a detailed conversation with Jared just yet.

**Jared 9:16am: Danneel's been by. She was upset that you had signed the papers 'so quickly'. She's been crying on Gen's shoulder all damn weekend. She was the one that had them drawn up, right?**

Couldn't I just have one drama free moment to enjoy the fact that I was happier than I had been in years? Of course not.

And then those stupid guilty feelings that I'd been supressing started welling up like a black slime, trying to coat and destroy. Yes, I'd separated from my wife months ago, started the divorce preceedings because she'd started them! However, even though she'd started everything, I was more and more convinced that it was the right thing to do. Not because I could have Y/N without any guilt, but because the separation from Danneel exposed the huge, gaping pit of differences that was between us. I hadn't known until I'd taken a step back and looked at the whole picture. Neither one of us was happy anymore, and it wasn't just tiny things that needed to change that would go towards trying to make it right again.

**Jensen 9:18am: Yes. She was the one who wanted the separation and she's the one who sent a lawyer to ambush me at damn hospital when Y/N was hurt. This should all not be a big surprise to her.**

Now I was leaning against the counter with my phone in one hand and a plate of food in the other. Her pill bottle was bulging out of the pocket I'd stuffed it in just minutes earlier.

Juice. She'd probably appreciate some juice too. And the coffee! Fuck!

**Jared 9:25am: All I'm saying, from what I've heard. She's not gonna be letting this go without a fight.**

Well, I was having a good morning. "Fuck." I sighed, finally settling for a tray for all of Y/N's coffee accoutrements before taking a cleansing breath. There was no need to saddle Y/N with my baggage instantly.

It would go something like: _Hi, I love you. I know, crazy right?! Surprise bitch! Here's my baggage!_

We could have one drama-free morning, couldn't we? I made sure my phone was on silent and plastered on the most convincing smile I could before trudging back up the stairs. I could do this.

  
**~~~~~**

  
The shit didn't hit the fan until a couple of weeks later, when I was least expecting it to. Y/N was slowly progressing into the 'well' category. A physical therapist came to her house a couple of days a week to help her regain motion and strength in her leg. She apparently didn't tear enough ligaments to qualify for surgery.

So, completely begrudging the opportunity to put my hands on her skin, I'd been helping her with some of her stretches. She'd only cussed and threatened to separate me from my balls a few times and it seemed to be doing her some good. Plus, it'd kind of been satisfying that itch I had when I was in high school and thought I wanted to be a physical therapist.

It's probably good that I'd dodged that particular interest. It was one thing to be up close and personal with someone you love, their sweaty skin beneath your finger tips. A wholly other for some stranger to be in such intimate proximity.

"I've got a surprise for you when you finish these." I mumbled as I helped by pushing her ankle towards being flush with her butt cheek. She couldn't quite make it and I could tell it was putting a lot of strain on her ligaments. "No pain, no gain, darlin."

She frowned, and from the looks of it, just barely resisted flipping me the bird. "What kind of surprise?" She ventured instead, bitting her lip until I eased up on the stretch and give her a break. She'd been at this for a while.

"Can't tell. Then it wouldn't be a surprise." Her face scrunched into a frown, "Don't give me the poop face, thems the brakes." I supressed the smile that threatened to break out on my face until she finally succombed to her childish ways and stuck her tongue out. "Watch it now, I might think that's an offer."

She hummed before answering, her long bangs hanging coyly in her face. "Maybe it is."

"Don't you threaten me with something you can't back up, sweetheart." I was kind of joking, but there was another, bigger part of me that was making sure that she was too. I'd call it a rough patch in the changing over from being best friends into... Whatever it was that we were at the moment.

She scrutinized me for a moment, and I couldn't say that it was really all that comfortable, and with a completely serious face instructed me to take my pants off. "Boxers too." She added as she arranged herself to lay flat across the foot of her bed on her back.

At first I wasn't too sure what she was up to. This was completely unchartered territory and I prided myself in keeping my ears plugged when she started to talk about what she had done with her 'current' boyfriends. I only paused for a moment though, "I gotta do all the work?" It was amazing how fast I could become half undressed in the middle of a perfectly respectable, sunny afternoon.

Her face was bright with teasing, full of piss and vinegar, and I took another moment to appreciate the fact that she was actually a little happy. "I'm the gimp, Jensen. Come over here before I change my mind."

I was only a few steps away from her, but her words made me pause again. "Do you need to change your mind?"

"Jesus Christ, Jensen!" Her face became flush, and if I didn't know better I would've thought it was embarrassment.

I'd had a vague idea of what was about to happen, but I didn't want to be presumptious. However, I was already half hard, so I obeyed. I was feeling incredibly awkward with my dick drooping over her face and I could feel my own cheeks darkening with embarassment. "Y/N, are you sure ab-"

"I swear to God, Jensen, are you this awkward with your dick out all the time?" She cut me off with her jab, but I could tell she was picking on me to hide her own self conciousness. Then, her hands were on my thighs, squeezing a little like she was picking fruit at the super market. Either way, my dick found it rather interesting. "Damn you've always had nice thighs." I felt her warm breath tickle the hair on my leg before her mouth brushed the thin skin on my inner thigh. The movement made me drag my bottom lip between my teeth to keep in a giggle. I was horribly ticklish exactly where her mouth was.

When her teeth pulled the skin into a bite and then sucked and laved at the reddened flesh. I couldn't help the startled moan at the zing of pleasure that shot right to my dick. "Fuck, Y/N." I chanced a look down at her and found that she had a sparkling, mischievious look in her eyes. "Watch the teeth."

She smiled wide, most of her white teeth on display before she disappeared to continue to mouth at my thigh on her way closer to where I needed her mouth to be. However, she seemed determined to tease me and took her time. I was in no position to rush things, so I stood helplessly while pathetic whines escaped my mouth without my permission. I was a badass, damnit, I needed to act like one.

Soon, her mouth found its way to suck and lick sloppily over my balls and the shock of pleasure racing through my veins caused me to bend over, a long, low groan bellowing forth like I was a goddamn neanderthal. My hands braced over her thighs, my head hung low, I widened my stance so that I didn't smother her. I could see the headline now, 'Woman smothered by Jensen Ackles' thunder thighs while giving head...'

To my embarrassment, Y/N laughed like I'd told her a joke, the vibrations giving me all kinds of sensations. "Oh, but what a way to go."

Oh fuck, I must have said it out loud, but I didn't have time to reply before her hot mouth enveloped me in wet heat and my brain compressed down to thrust, moan and cuss. I felt my fingers twist the comforter into my fists, my hips making aborted thrusts as I struggled to keep myself from thrusting deep into her glorious mouth. It turned out that Y/N was a freakin master at giving head. She writhed around beneath me like she was being struck by a live wire and loving every minute of it. And before I had time to contemplate that at any length she did an artful twist of her tongue and I was coming hard before I even had time to warn her.

My arms gave out and I dropped into her thighs, holding my ass awkwardly in the air so that my graphic headline didn't come true. My entire body trembled as I spent my life out in pulses down my best friend's throat. And wasn't that a thought I'd never had before? It sent a belated shiver of pleasure through my body, causing me to twitch helplessly. "Oh, fuck." I muttered barely above a breath because my lungs were still not cooperating, my cheek laying heavily against her uninjured thigh. Hmph, she had pretty damn great thighs herself.

I waited for her to laugh, or to make fun in some way, but it never came. She waited while I softened in her mouth before she started laying delicate kisses all over the sensitive skin of my thighs like worship. But soon it started to tickle and it motivated me to awkwardly scramble to sit on the bed without taking out her lovely face with my knees.

She had a dazed look on her face, her tongue sliding over her abused bottom lip made my dick twitch valiently with interest. Her pupils were blown and it was obvious that she'd enjoyed what she'd just done.

Soon, I felt a little sheepish. It was like all I'd done since we'd started this whole thing was to take. She'd refused any type of reciprocation, but I had to offer any way. "If you want, I can..."

"No," she shook her head, but grabbed the front of my shirt to pull me close. The kiss didn't start off tentative or careful, it was full of want. I let her tongue plunder my mouth and I could taste myself as she sucked on my tongue much like she'd just sucked other things. She broke off the kiss, watching me panting for breath with an intense gaze. "When I can go without this brace, I want you to fuck me, okay?"

I was struck dumb by her bluntness, but I squeaked out an, "Okay."

I settled down to lay next to her and we kissed lazily for a while until I remembered. "I forgot your present!" I bounded off the bed to go to the guest bedroom where I'd set up and dragged her present from the depths of my bag. When I returned she was leaned up against the pillows with a perfectly contented look on her face. Like this was exactly what she wanted when she woke up this morning and thought about her day.

God, I could do this. If this was what met me every time I came home, I'd be a happy man. Her eyes brightened, narrowing in on me rather than the object in my hand. "Whaddja get me?" She was like a child, practically bouncing in place. I did have a tendency to buy pretty awesome gifts, if I do say so myself.

It never occurred to me to think that she might call what I had lame. I knew she would love it. "It's from Lush, that bath bomb place that you like? I think Jared has an Aunt that's friends with someone who works at the UK warehouse and well... They got me this." I handed over the small black jar and watched her eyes widen.

"Holy... Is this what I think it is?" She looked at the jar and back to me in incredulity. "This hasn't been released yet. They've just been doing teasers and... Oh my God." She looked a little reverent as she unscrewed the cap to take a whiff. She made an incredibly pornographic sound, closing her eyes in absolute ecstacy.

> It made it a little uncomfortable to sit where I'd perched on the side of the bed beside her, my dick filling in the pants I'd thrown back on. "Well, there's more where that came from if you do your physical therapy every day. Lady gave me a whole basket of stuff."

You'd think I would have told her that she'd won the goddamn lottery. She smiled so freakin hard I thought her face my implode. "Oh my God! You're the best!" She lunged over, pulling me into a tight, awkward side hug that made it difficult to breathe.

I rubbed her back and smiled into her shoulder, a smile so wide that it hurt my face. "Of course I am, sweetheart."

Once she'd calmed down a little and I was able to pry the jar from her fingers, "Lay down." I instructed in a calm voice and watched her obey quickly. I opened the fragrant jar and dipped my fingers in to collect the lotion. It was cool and creamy between my hands as I tried to warm it before spreading it over her good leg. Starting at her knee, I spread the cream to her thighs and then to her calves, working it in with firm circular presses of skin.

She turned into delicious smelling putty. She only tensed a little when I removed her brace, trust implicit in her eyes. I used the cream to ease my fingers as I tried to massage the tension and extra fluid out of her injured knee. Doing this was probably more intimate than what we had done together previously, no sex involved, but I couldn't take my eyes off of her.

I felt loose and happy and I could see all over her face that she felt the same. Seriously, if my life could actually be this good I would embrace it whole heartedly. Could I really be that lucky?

Then, the door bell rang.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The surprise visitor is revealed. How will Jensen and Y/N handle the new situation that they find themselves thrust into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have absolutely no hate for any of the characters in this story. I needed a villain. I hope you're still enjoying this. I'm still posting from my phone and this is a little short. Hopefully I'll be able to afford something a little better soon!

Come Back Down Part 13

The face that confronted me from Y/N's front door was definitely not one I'd been expecting. "Danneel?" Just saying her name made rocks grind around my insides. Judging by just her expression, this was not going to be good.

"Jensen, so not surprised to see you here." Her tone and expression were completely sardonic, one finger twisting rapidly around a piece of hair. She didn't pause before she pushed past me to slip through the doorway and into the living room. "Hm," she gave it a bored appraisal. "Kind of quaint, isn't it?"

"Who is it?" Y/N hobbled around the corner in a loose tank top and a pair of her tight yoga shorts. The ones that barely covered her perfectly round ass. The tank top that Y/N was wearing perfectly showcased the hickies I'd managed to give her the night before. Fresh bright red and deep purple bruises in the shape of my mouth. "Oh." Y/N appeared dumbstruck for a moment before she snapped back into a more confident one, a smile on her face.

Danneel spared me a look, probably seeing the strange guilt I felt for what I'd been up to for the past few weeks, before turning back. "You look like you're getting around better." She was feigning nonchalance, but I could tell there was anger just beneath the surface.

"Uh, yeah. Better than being in a ravine." She offered cheerfully with a shrug before motioning to the couches there. "Where are my manners, have a seat! Can I get you something to drink? I don't have any sparkling water, but I have some coke or orange juice?"

Y/N was taking charge and it was a sight to see as I still stood dumbstruck. Y/N had apparently remembered her Southern roots. Danneel seemed a little stunned herself as she followed the underlying command in Y/N's tone and took a seat.

"I'm fine, thank you." Danneel answered primly, visibly getting her confidence back. "I just need a moment with Jensen." The alone was implied but Y/N probably heard it loud and clear.

"Yeah, yeah. Sure, I just need him to help me with something in the kitchen... Still a little gimpy." She motioned to her still cast encased arm. "Then he's all yours." Y/N seemed relaxed rather than having as hard a time as I was at having Danneel in Wyoming.

Danneel had never come here, it was always Y/N making the flight or drive to meet up with me. She'd never had any inclination of visiting a ranch. In fact, I could envision the way she'd handled walking in the gravel driveway in the heeled sandals she was wearing.

Danneel consented with a nod, but Y/N never saw it. She'd already began hobbling her way into the kitchen without even as much of a second glance in my direction.

I nodded once in approval before I quickly followed behind her, my eyes still wide from the original surprise. I immediately started to apologize, my voice a harsh whisper in the now silent house. "I had no idea she'd... oh my God what is she doing here?" I was about two seconds away from a panic attack.

"Hey, calm down. Take a few deep breaths, it's not so bad." She spoke calmly and clearly, her hands a welcome weight on my arms. "It's gonna be okay." Then, she smiled at me, a warm reassuring smile that warmed me down to my toes. She waited for me to take a few measured breaths, her right thumb running circles on the thin skin underneath my arm. "You good?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm good." I finally breathed out, feeling my shoulders sag a little.

"Okay, so your ex wife shows up at your new piece on the side's house. No biggie. It's you're territory. You can make this go however you want, Jensen."

She smiled at the way my lips pursed, "Don't call yourself that."

"You're missing the point." She squeezed when she saw me lose focus again. It was like our relationship hadn't changed a bit. This was Y/N, my best friend no matter what and I couldn't be more thankful for that. "Do you want your Ativan?"

I nodded, "Okay," she grabbed me into a tight hug.

"Don't think too hard. You have nothing to hide. This is just between you and Danneel, okay?" She grabbed a bottled water from the fridge and an Ativan from the collection of prescription bottles on her counter. "Take your time." She soothed. Unscrewing the top of the water, she handed both to me with a steady hand.

Y/N was right, this was my territory. I could handle this. So what if I spent the first ten minutes just watching the hallway, waiting for Y/N to save me?

I nodded dumbly, not wanting to face Danneel alone. Which was strange because hadn't I spent a lot of alone time with her? We were married for fucks sake! I nodded again with more resolve and took my first steps into the den. I was a grown assed man, I could handle this.

"I guess you know why I'm here." Danneel began tentatively, turning her head to face me. There was not a thing out of place on her. She wasn't disheveled or in distress. In fact, she looked healthier than ever. It was obvious that the stress wasn't getting to her. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out what she was doing here.

"Actually, I really don't, Danneel. What are you doing here?" I asked, not unkindly. Although, I really wanted to ask her what was so important that she'd be willing to make the drive now instead of when we were actually married.

I caught movement out of the corner of my eye, seeing Y/N checking on me from the kitchen doorway. I nodded, grateful for the reminder that I wasn't alone. She disappeared down the hall to her room and I ached to join her. To just curl up in her bed that had too many pillows. To feel her close to me and know that I wasn't being judged just for breathing. For my inability to father a child. For my inability to give up my dreams.

She didn't look so confident anymore. In fact, she looked livid. "Is that what this is about, Jensen? You finally get the balls to fuck your best friend? Did you finally get it out of your system? Lord knows it took you long enough!"

Sadly the first thought that popped into my head was 'not yet'. Then, her words finally  
smacked me right in the balls. "What the hell, Danneel?!" What did she mean by finally? Jesus!

"Tell me I'm wrong, Jensen. Tell me you didn't divorce me so that you could come down here and shack up with her!" Danneel was red in the face, her fists clenched so hard that her knuckles turned white. "You couldn't take time off to fix your marriage but you cancelled all of your conventions the minute Y/N gets a damn paper cut!"

"It wasn't a fucking paper cut, Danneel! She needed me." I was ashamed to admit that I was absolutely dumbstruck again, and it occurred to me a little late that I didn't need to fuel the fire by immediately jumping to Y/N's defense. "No, Danneel, our divorce has nothing to do with Y/N." I began again, calmly, though I really wanted to scream. "We went thru the proper channels. We separated. After the appropriate amount of time, we signed the papers. We handled this amicably and that part of our life is done. I don't want to hurt you anymore than I already have Danneel, but it's been over. Way before we even thought about it."

"I think you mean I rolled over and gave you what you wanted!" She snapped, standing up now, towering over me in a way that she normally couldn't do. "I came here to talk this over like adults. To handle this outside of the courtroom, but I have to fight for what is right for my child, Jensen."

And just like that all the air was sucked out of the room and we were sitting in a damn black hole. "W-what?" I managed to stutter out, licking my lips because they suddenly felt numb.

"I'm pregnant, moron! So you better get this out of your system and get your sorry ass back home!" If I had been paying attention instead of dying a little inside, I would've noticed that she looked a little victorious about the absolute destruction she was causing me.

When I finally got my voice back it was shaky at best. I was going to need a lot more than just one damn Ativan to figure this shit out. "You're... How... I thought..."

"Yeah, four months. Big shock for me too. I thought I had a stomach bug or an anxiety problem. Turns out, I had an anxiety problem and the wrong kind of bug."

My head was spinning, my breath still getting stuck in my throat. "I've already- I've signed the-" God, I needed to get it together. Why was I so dumbstruck? I was happy, of course the universe wouldn't let me have that for long.

It was now that I noticed the gleam in her eyes, "I didn't." She smiled, getting dangerously close to my face. How could someone so small be so intimidating? "So, technically we're still married. Technically, you stepped out on me and I have the pictures to prove it. So, if you want to keep everything you've ever cared about and not hand over every cent you own for the care of me and this baby for the rest of your miserable life, you better end this. Now!"

Danneel left me frozen on the couch watching everything I'd ever worked hard to earn slipping away while she drove away in her rented Mercedes SUV. How in the hell, after all the times that we'd tried, had she finally managed to get pregnant? I was going to be sick. My stomach was flip flopping with the joy of finally being a father and absolute dread of the situation I found myself in.

I barely made it to the half bathroom off of the kitchen before everything I'd had to eat that day made a reappearance. It took a minute for my ears to stop ringing and my vision to clear before I realized Y/N was where she always was. Right beside me, her hand a reassuring weight on my back and a wet cloth in her hand.

What had I done? "Oh fuck. Oh fuck... I... Shit." I spit the saliva that had welled up, my stomach still contracting painfully.

"Shh..." Her fingers squeezed the back of my neck once before handing over a glass of water so that I could rinse out my mouth. She used the wet cloth to wipe my face with gentle, patient swipes.

"She's pregnant. There's a baby." I began haltingly, feeling like my chest might simultaneously squeeze into nothing or hollow out completely, leaving me a culled shell. I backed away from the toilet so that I could unceremoniously fall against the wall in an undignified heap. It was soothingly cool on my skin.

"It's gonna be okay, Jay. A baby is good news, you wanted one of those, right?" There was something off about her voice, about how careful she was being but I lacked the brain cells to investigate it further.

"Of course. Of course... a baby. I mean, it's what we always hoped for, but..." I finally glanced up, finding Y/N awkwardly perched on the closed toilet seat. She was close enough that she could run her good hand soothingly through my hair.

"But, what?" She prompted after I'd been quiet for a few moments, her voice patient as she waited for my answer.

> I felt terrible, that horrible deep, raw ache lingering in my chest like a solid weight. All I wanted to do was rest, curled up with the woman I'd loved in one way or another for the majority of my life. "I just want to lay down with you. Can we do that?" Even to me I sounded pitiful, but I had no energy to reel it in. Y/N didn't need me to be anything else. She'd always been satisfied with whatever I could give her. I was always enough.

"Yeah, let's go." She patted my cheek affectionately.

I brushed my teeth quickly then followed Y/N to what I now considered our bed. It was bathed in soft light from the setting sun. This was where I had last been happy and I wanted to surround myself in it.

I let her get comfortable now that she was able to lay down without her brace for short periods of time, and wordlessly curled around her. My face was tucked into the back of her neck where I could inhale her scent, which was like a balm.

Her hand took up a calming rhythm as she brushed soothingly across my arm that was circled around her waist.

"I love Danneel, I do, but it's not the same anymore." I know my voice was muddled by her hair, but I hoped she could understand me because I needed her to know everything now. "And I will love this baby with all my heart, but I still need you, Y/N."

"I'll always be here for you, you know that." She answered easily, never stopping her rhythm of comfort. But her words made something very clear to me. She didn't expect me to stay and that was unacceptable.

"No, I don't think you understand." I moved my arms so that my hand could cradle her face in my direction. Her eyes were glittering with moisture and wariness that I couldn't stand to see there. "I'm not leaving you. I can still love and raise that baby and keep you too. As far as I'm concerned I divorced Danneel, the only thing she will be to me is a mother to my child. But you, you are the love of my life. I can't lose that."

"And if you can't have both?" She asked quietly, her y/c/e eyes watching me carefully.

"I can have both. I'll make sure of it. I won't lose you, Y/N. Not now. Not like this, sweetheart." I kissed her nose, her cheeks and then finally her mouth, like I had every morning since the first morning I'd woken up in our bed. "I promise."

 

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen finally discovers what Y/N has been keeping from him and on top of all the drama that Danneel has started, he's not dealing well at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, there's schmoopy as hell smut here. You've been warned. If schmoopy smut is not your thing... loads of fucking schmoop!!
> 
> Also, sorry this took so long to update. I hope you guys like it.

The room was spinning and no amount of closing my eyes was helping one damn bit. I’d just gotten back to Y/N’s home maybe two hours ago. She was out meeting with someone about photographing an actual event. Which wasn’t what she normally did, but I guess you couldn’t go too far with the way her knee was still giving her trouble.

Of course, I couldn't just meet her out in public like a normal person because of what Danneel had done. I didn't need to just hand over more power to her and her ‘set of lawyers’ that I was no doubt paying for.

When I’d talked on the phone with Y/N earlier, I could tell just how happy she was to get out of the house. To start returning to her normal everyday life. However, I found myself selfishly pining for the days when we were closed up here. When it felt like it was our own little impenetrable bubble. That was until Danneel had shown up and popped that bubble with a damn axe.

If only she’d just stopped there, with the axe of demolition that she’d been swinging every day since. It had only been a couple of weeks since that ill-fated day, but damn if she hadn’t already caused some damage. 

Danneel, against what she had previously said she would do, announced the pregnancy on Instagram. It was done with optimum damning in mind, complete with an old picture of us when we’d been happy. Back when I didn’t know better and had been completely snowed.

Some smart fans had already pointed out how old the photograph was. Citing the length of my beard for reference. It was a little disturbing, but slightly comforting to have someone realize that the picture was at least representing something that didn’t exist anymore.

There was nothing I could do about it right now without looking like a complete asshole. So, just like everything else that was building up inside me, I let it go.

Danneel had called me practically every day since she’d dropped the bomb. She never stopped to apologize for manipulating me six ways from Sunday. Mostly to fill me in on what the doctor’s said at her appointments.

We were having twins. A boy and a girl. The conversations were full of facts and need to know information. I tried to keep them as short as possible and had hung up a few times when she'd tried to say ‘I love you.’ She made it so damn hard to believe.

I was torn between wanting to be there for these first moments of my children’s lives, but unable to stand the idea of being in the same room as their mother. Which, when I thought about that any further, I swallowed more of Y/N’s liquor cabinet.

How was I going to be able to stomach going back ‘home’, where my stuff wasn't any longer, to play happy family. Not to mention, I don't know when she decided to turn the tide, but that she had openly manipulated me with intent to cause me extreme harm. There was no way that I could see it as a mother protecting her children. The woman I had married wouldn't have behaved like that.

It wasn't that long ago that Y/N had slapped me in the face with her ‘truths’ of letting people take advantage of me. Luckily, she had the grace to not shout ‘I told you so.’ 

That wasn’t the only thing going on. Like that wasn’t enough to send someone running to the looney bin begging for padded walls and black silence?

Mike, of all people, had called me two days after I’d left for New York for the CW Upfronts. I can’t even begin to describe the amount of absolute panic that had taken hold of me. I’d just known that something had happened to Y/N while I wasn’t there. 

It turns out that it wasn’t new, what Mike had felt compelled to divulge. I couldn’t help but feel a little hurt that it was Mike who was filling me in, but I knew that Y/N was trying to spare me.

I now knew what Y/N and Mike had been talking about those several weeks ago. So long ago that I’d even put it out of my mind. I had Y/N’s love and Mike, even though he was still irritating as hell, wasn’t competition. 

It wasn’t surprising to me to realize how easily I trusted Y/N after I’d just had the rug pulled out from under me by someone I’d given everything of myself to. I’d never lost faith in Y/N and she’d never disappointed.

Even though I now knew the details that she was keeping from me, I still wasn’t mad. I was scared. Terrified even of what could’ve happened and what could possibly still happen. 

Which was why I was doing the mature thing and drinking my feelings. I was feeling reckless, emboldened by the amber liquid I kept consuming. I’d been idly listening to a classic rock station on Y/N’s iPod until a completely ironic song came on. I’m sure my smile was crooked, a laugh getting stuck on the emotion clogging up my throat. Feelings of failure and irony were flooding me from all sides.

But, what does one do when they are feeling on the edge of some cliff of life?

The heavy bass guitar had my foot tapping on the floor as I lounged back on Y/N’s neatly made bed. The sun was starting to set, making the shadows creep into the room, but I was mostly oblivious as I belted the words that I’d sang so many times. But never with this much irony. 

“I’ve been run down; I’ve been lied to. I don’t know why I let that mean woman make me a fool. Took all my money. Wrecked my new car. Now she’s with one of my good time buddies, drinking in some cross town bar.

Sometimes I feel, sometimes I feel! Like I’ve been tied to the whipping post. Tied to the whipping post. Tied to the whipping post. Oh lord I feel like I’m dyin’.”

When Y/N arrived home, I was still mumbling the words, my lips feeling too big for my face with how drunk I’d let myself become. It was funny really. This whole thing was so fucking hilarious!

“There's m’sweetheart!” I greeted her cheerfully from where I was still laying across her bed. Not in the normal way, of course, but sideways because that was just so much more awesome. “C’me sing w’ me!” I tried to sit up, which was so not cool. I felt even more dizzy and my belly sloshed, full of liquor.

She stood, leaning on the doorway with a look of shock on her face for longer than I would’ve liked. I didn’t like that she was so far away, with such a look on her face.

So, I did what any other respectable drunk man would do, I made grabby hands at her since I was stuck by some invisible force to this bed. It was the least she could do, after all.

She closed her eyes for a moment, taking a deep breath before she finally crossed the gigantic sea of carpet and laid down next to me. I immediately glommed onto her, throwing my arm and leg over her so she wouldn’t be tempted to run away. I always just wanted her right here. Nothing else mattered sometimes.

I heard her muffled laugh against my chest before she wormed her way to the surface. “Well hello, happy drunk.” I couldn’t place the look on her face. She was obviously going for amused, but there was something darker there that my inebriated brain just couldn’t process.

“Hey!” I smiled back, I mean, I think I did. My lips were kind of numb feeling now. “Where have you been?” I felt like a damn happy puppy, just inches from licking her face because I was so damn relieved to see her.

“Uh, met with a hopeful client who wants me ironically to take pictures at their bouncing baby boy’s first birthday party. That’ll be fun.” She snuggled in closer, finally returning the hold. “I went to eat with one of my friends from the horse riding club that I told you about? Jason?”

The obviously male name bounced around in my alcohol addled brain for a little longer than it should have. However, I must’ve made the appropriate noise because she continued to speak in a steady tone. Almost too steady.

“He was a little concerned for me because there’s a rumor circulating in those rags that are at the front of the checkout isle that you’re having an affair. With someone who looks suspiciously like me? The pictures are really old, of course. I think they're from when you visited two summers ago.”

I heard every word, and somewhere inside I felt the right reaction but I don’t think it ever made it to my face. I should’ve been outraged that there were photos of Y/N in some gossip magazine. I knew I should be jumping on the phone immediately to find out who had sold me out. But, really, I was just not feeling that worried.

“I’m not worried about it, but I figured it was something you’d want to know.” She answered as if she’d gotten an actual answer from me. 

“Like I should’ve known about your accident?” It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. I knew I hadn’t wanted to accuse once I’d finally gotten over the shock of it all. I understood why she’d kept it from me. Her default mode was to spare me as much as she could. But she should’ve told me.

“What about my accident? Why do you say it like that?” Even totally drunk off my ass I could now see the deception, hear that little vibration in her words.

Even in my current state, the pain and fear filtered through, making it impossible to control my face. I couldn’t stop the stupid moisture that flooded my eyes. I blamed it on the fact that I’d stretched the limits of my emotions so much on Supernatural that they were out of control some times. I felt like that a lot actually, but it was even worse when I couldn’t control my mouth. Much less my facial expressions. “It wasn’t an accident. Why didn’t you tell me…” 

She studied me for what I’m sure was only moments that felt like hours, finally biting her lip and closing her eyes in defeat. “Mike.”

“You could’ve died; do you realize that? Someone out there wanted to hurt you.” I felt like I was going to choke on my words. The way that my mouth was trying to speak them was too fast for the breath in my lungs. “Someone- It's all my fault. This shouldn't’ve-.”

“Jen, c’mon, it’s okay. It’s just a theory.” The smile that was obviously aimed at taking the gravity away from my words was absurd. I still let her pull me closer like I was a child so that I could bury my face in her neck like that would bring safety. “There’s no proof…”

“No. No, don’t say it like that. Like… m’stupid.” I tried my best to get control over my face and emotions and by the look of her watery expression I was failing. Unable to sit up all the way, I turned to look at her awkwardly. “There were other skid marks!”

“There’s no proof. I can't even remember what happened or if there was another car, Jay!”

“What about your barn being vandalized last week?”

Her rosy complexion turned pale instantly and she rolled away from me, “Goddamnit, Michael.”

I reached for her immediately, clumsily curling myself to fit behind her, my arms holding her tightly. Even with her so close to me I couldn't push out of my mind how afraid I was to lose her. How close I had come to doing just that and I hadn't even known the whole truth. That after further investigation, authorities thought there had been another car involved. Which was strange on the usually quiet stretch of road she had been on.

I hid my face in the curtain of her sweet smelling hair and breathed it in like it alone would help to calm the panic racing through my bones. “I'm not mad, please don't shut me out.” 

It was irritating how my words sounded clumsy as my chin wobbled and warm moisture leaked down my face unbidden. I felt raw, cracked right open because I was so damn scared. So many things had threatened to take her away from me over the years, but by some miracle I could feel her warmth held right in my arms. I could feel her shuddering breaths as I knew she too was crying.

“I'm so sorry.” I still felt dizzy, but the conversation had successfully killed any type of euphoric buzz I'd gained from the alcohol, leaving me with only a deep instinctual need. “Please, Y/N. I can't lose you.” I knew it wasn't exactly healthy, but most days I felt like I was barely hanging on. 

“God, it's not your fault, Jay.” Her whisper was wet but sincere as she pushed back into my embrace. Her hands covered mine as one held tightly around her waist. The other pressed tightly against her chest where her selfless heart beat heavy against my palm.

The ache in my chest burned heavy as my tear wet lips kissed at the exposed skin of her neck. This was different than anything I'd ever felt before. It was desperation that dissolved any logical thought. The need for the affirmation provided by feeling her warm skin against mine.

She turned her head so that her lips could meet mine and I knew she felt the low hum of desire that was slowly taking me apart and driving me crazy. “I'm so sorry, Jay.” Her voice was quiet but easily audible in the silence of the darkening room as she whispered against my lips. “I didn't want you to worry.”

I pushed in closer, my tongue demanding entrance and exploring every cavern that I'd missed while I was away. My body was full of tension, my cock taking notice when she rolled her hips. “Ah, fuck.” The slight pressure made my hips stutter, my already half hard cock filling with more blood as my desperation for her grew.

There was a flurry of motion as we both pulled our clothes off in a way that didn't pull us too far apart. We stayed on our sides and when we were finally naked, the press of her warm skin almost took me apart.

I was the reason her whole life had been turned upside down. My life had almost cost her own life. Someone had tried to get rid of her to hurt me. Someone, not something had caused her damn car to go careening into a ravine where she was left to die.

I wasn't completely in control anymore, my entire body vibrating with equal parts need and desperation. A sheen of sweat had lined both of our bodies, slicking the way as we rocked together and devoured each other’s mouth. 

A violent shiver wracked my entire body when she wrapped a hand around my now throbbing cock. I was leaking so heavily just from the friction of rubbing against her ass and she stroked a few times. “Oh fuck-!” She had all of the power and I let her take control because I wanted her so damn much I felt weak with it. “Baby, please…”

“Yeah, Jay.” Her breath was sweet as it brushed across my lips, her voice giving away how wrecked she was too as she guided me to her entrance. 

She dragged the tip through her wet folds as I twitched helplessly in her grip. I was so wound up, the fingers of one hand digging hard into her hip and I wasn't even inside her yet. I nibbled and sucked at the salty skin of her neck to keep from pleading, to stifle the moans of frustration clogging up my throat as I had a hand on one of her breasts.

She was the perfect handful, her nipple immediately standing to attention against the palm of my hand. She moaned, pushing forward into my hand and undulating back against my pelvis.

The want that was burning inside of me wasn't just sparked by some lust filled fantasy. It was sharp need. The overwhelming feelings of love and the need to protect and claim were almost painful because I was so close. She was right here in my arms and she was all I ever wanted.

When I finally slid inside her, the connection was a momentary relief. “Oh fuck, you feel so good. So good, Y/N.” She rolled further onto her side, letting my body blanket hers and slide even deeper, making us both moan. 

I don't know how she knew that I needed to be as close as possible. Or if she even knew that it would drive me wild to be able to cage her in and be so close. The position wasn't one that I would've thought of, but it was perfect. I could feel her warm and wanting beneath me, pushing back against me in an effort to make me move as I reveled in the closeness.

I slid my hand from her hip to tease her clit with light circles with my middle finger. She moaned into her pillow, her free hand sliding down my flank to grip my ass, trying to pull me in deeper. 

There was sweat beading at my hair line and tracking down my temple from holding back. The way she was gripping me so tightly made the drag out feel so good and the sharp thrust in near agony. I couldn't help the low moans leaving my throat as I set up a steady rhythm.

Her pleas to go harder, to please go faster were taking me apart more swiftly than I would've liked our first time to be. But I couldn't stop it, this feeling building up inside of me. The deep connection I was feeling wasn't something I'd felt in a very long time. It made everything feel new and sharp in its focus.

She was pushing back, meeting me thrust for thrust as I gave a little more pressure to my two fingers working her clit in tandem to our movements together. I could feel her whole body starting to tense, the bite of her nails as she gripped my ass harder. 

She was moaning my name desperately over and over as my other hand plucked a nipple. I felt like I was so in sync with her, like my hands were playing a guitar I'd had for years. The noises she was making, the panting of her breath against her pillow a complicated melody I was pulling out of her. My own groans of pleasure a complementary baseline to our song.

When she came she pressed herself back hard, clenching tightly around my dick and dragging me with her. My dizzying pleasure was expressed in a hoarse cry, holding her even tighter as I fell apart.

Her free hand came up to grip the hair at the back of my head as her lips awkwardly connected with mine and I moaned helplessly into her mouth. I rocked into her until the sensitivity was too painful, just relishing the feel of being inside her.

When I finally slipped out of her and rolled onto my back, I was shaking violently from head to toe with the intense emotion wracking my body. The sheen of sweat was starting to cool and I was already missing the proximity of her body against mine until she rolled over and laid her head on my chest.

My arms immediately pulled her closer, partly terrified of how I was feeling and how much of myself I was willingly giving away. She had the power to crush me into so many pieces that I'd never be whole again. 

I knew I'd be paying for my choices in the morning. When my eyes slipped shut as she kissed my chest where my heart was beating a painful rhythm and held me tighter, I knew it was well worth the agony.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen wakes up hungover but quickly remembers what happened the night before. Y/N is not handling things as well as she says she is. Fluff and smut ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is only the start of the smut. More to follow in the next chapter! ; )

The next morning was brutal, and I cursed the bright sun bursting boldly through the blinds. There was a sledge hammer slamming against my temple and my stomach felt a little distended with the alcohol I’d consumed the day before. I could already tell that my face was a little swollen and puffy and the realization caused me to grumble a little.

I tried to peel my dry, sandpaper eyelids open to face this day head on, but only managed to roll away from its blaring rays of happiness.

I tried to recall what had lead me to drinking enough to create the hangover I felt pummeling my entire body. I had talked to Mike about Y/N’s wreck and the vandalized barn. I had flown home, drank while I waited for her to come home… Then… Fuck, then a warm flush rushed over.

The realization slammed into me like a freight train. Not even the thing that apparently crawled into my mouth and died during the night could take away the proud smile that drifted onto my face. Just a slight twitch of my hips against the mattress made my over worked, sensitive cock jerk despite the overwhelming urge to pee.

I’d had amazing sex with my best friend.

Even the circumstances that had brought me here could do nothing to smother the deep contentment that settled into my bones. I could feel the draft created by the ceiling fan brush against my skin where it peeked out of the twisted sheets.

I reached out blindly to my right without daring to look, wanting to make sure that my memories of last night were true. To my deepest pleasure, I got a handful of soft, lush skin on first contact. 

“It’s too early for boob groping, Jay.” Was the sleepy reply I got when I finally turned my face. There rustle of bedding as she rolled towards me and my hand smoothed over her sleep warmed skin until it rested on her back. “Good morning, dear drunkard. How are you feeling this morning?”

She reached a slender finger over and pushed the wayward hairs from my forehead. My eyes slid closed so that I could savor the touch and hummed contentedly. “Not bad. I could seriously pee, but I’m too comfortable.” Despite the headache and general all over ache that could only come from being dehydrated, I felt pretty damn happy with myself.

It was a nice, quiet moment while she ran her fingers through my hair until she made a frustrated sound that made me jolt a little. My eyes slid open lazily to search her face. “God, you’re hung over as hell and yet, here you are.” She grumbled and then buried her face into her pillow, hair falling in a halo around her head.

“What?” I scooted closer, throwing an arm and leg over her to pin her in place. “What are you grumbling about, sweetheart of mine?” I whispered into her hair, feeling her shiver against me like my breath either tickled her skin or the smell revolted her. I figured that I had a 50/50 chance of either.

There were more grumbles unleashed on her innocent pillow before she picked her face up, hair falling over her eyes, and steadied me with an annoyed glare. “You went on a bender. You should look like shit, but…” She growled again and I mentally tried to convince myself that it was not cute, at all. “Why do you have to be so damn perfect all the time, huh? You could be covered in garbage disposal filth and still be some stupidly handsome Greek God!”

“Umm, I don’t think so.” I tried to counter, because, honestly? My face was probably covered in pillow creases from sleeping so heavy. I’m pretty sure I felt the soreness at the base of one nostril that was indicative of a monster zit. I could tell without even looking that my face was swollen and underneath my eyes would be enough luggage room to vacation for a year. My time spent apart from her had not yielded a good night’s sleep. And my mouth may or may not feel a little furry from not brushing my teeth before bed. There was no way I would be considered attractive right now. The makeup ladies at work would have their work cut out for them for sure.

“Ugh, and don’t even do the humble, sweet guy thing with me right now. I’m already dealing with enough as it is! I mean… It’s one thing to be your best friend in the background, but it’s a whole other thing when they take pictures of me beside you and-!” She buried her face again, growling loudly in what I can hope is in frustration and not a case of rabies.

“Hey, sit up and talk to me.” I gave her two seconds to respond before I pulled her up to sit in my lap. She struggled to get away like a child, all arms and legs flailing like startled bird. Finally, I wrapped my arms around her and rested my chin on her shoulder. Not in a restraining way, but to make sure one of those limbs didn’t accidentally kick somewhere pertinent to my wellbeing. (That just happened to be swinging in the breeze and vulnerable.) I effectively wrapped around her with my body, arms around her torso and legs intertwined with hers, and perfectly content that way. “Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours, hm?”

Her cheeks were bright red, her hair strewn around her face like she’d been riding in a car with the windows open. It was a veritable rat’s nest and frankly adorable, but she didn’t seem open to such a comment so I kept it to myself. She turned her face away, her bottom lip stuck in a ridiculous, stubborn pout.

“Come on, tell me.” I tested out the situation by pressing a couple of kisses to the ball of her shoulder. I felt surprisingly comfortable there as we sat naked, my half hard cock (it was morning, it happens) nestled against her ass. She took a couple of deep breaths before leaning a little weight against my chest. It settled something in me, spreading warmth through my bones to feel her relax some and trust me. I loosened up my hold, using one hand to rub up and down her arm soothingly. It took a few moments before she finally began to speak.

“You’re so stupidly attractive and I saw the pictures in that stupid rag magazine. I’m so freakin plain next to you and you don’t even have to try. We don’t even look like we should be together. Well, maybe if I was your mostly unfortunate maid or something.” It shocked me to see tears pooling in her eyes, which made this all the more real instead of a joke, as I’d first suspected. “And even when I do try… I can’t compete with the people in your circle. And Danneel? She’s fucking gorgeous.” She wipes her face with a little too much violence, betraying her frustration. “Things are so complicated right now. What are you doing with me?”

“Are you being serious?” My mouth had been hanging open for the last few minutes before I could finally make my voice work. “How can you have such a low opinion of yourself?” I’d rarely seen her behave this way and it had never been to this ‘kick me in the balls’ low.

She rolled her eyes, covering her face with both of her hands, obviously embarrassed by her confession. When she spoke I could barely hear her low, muffled voice. “It’s not an opinion. It’s facts, Jensen. I’ll never be pretty enough to fit in with you. I’m always gonna be the ‘unfortunate’ that tries to keep up. You don’t need that on top of everything else-.”

“Okay.” I hated that I sounded angry as I interrupted her, but it was the emotion that came out after the shock faded. I tried to pull her hands away from her face gently, but she fought to keep them there. “Look at me, Y/N. Please.” 

I could tell that she didn’t want to listen, but her hands eventually slid down, trying to take some of the moisture with it. “That’s it.” I soothed my hand along her back, letting my fingers run over the curve of her spine. “Now, I need you to listen to me, you got it? You know how you’re always dropping those truth bombs on me when I need em?”

She still wouldn’t maintain eye contact when she turned to face me, her gaze settling on my chin or forehead instead. It would have to do when she nodded her head to let me know she was listening. 

“You can’t compare yourself to those people. You’ll never be anywhere near being anything like those people.”

She nodded miserably like she was agreeing with me, a fat tear sliding down to drop off of her chin. That’s when something inside my chest cracked, a frisson of pain slicing between my ribs as I realized how my words might sound and how horrible this situation really was. So, I hurried to continue.

“But that’s because you are a real person. Your hair color, your eyes… that beautiful, stubborn heart of yours? That’s all you and you never have to pretend to be someone else. For me… or anyone for that matter. And as far as you measuring up? You surpass them all. You always have.”

She cast a disbelieving glare my way, eyebrows scrunched together like she thought I was out of my fucking mind. The adorable angry bluebird out in full force.

“Y/N, you’ve always been my safe place. The one that I can always count on and you’ve never let me down. Yes, there’s the clichéd inner beauty that shines through, but it’s more than that. You are more than that.” I chanced my hand’s wellbeing as I smoothed over her hair and tucked some behind her ear. “You don’t have to be any one but yourself because that is who I love and everyone that is in ‘my circle?’ They’re busy making a living off being someone they are not.”

She refused to make eye contact and was still a little tense but slowly relaxing further into my hold. She was like a wild horse sometimes, but that idea was a little misleading. Y/N didn’t need to be tamed or trained. She needed someone to ‘give her her head’, if you understood horse speak. Someone who was patient enough to let her handle things the way she needed to and appreciated the independent streak she had that was a country mile long.

“I’m sorry you don’t see yourself through a better lens. That you don’t see how your whole face lights up when you’re excited about the smallest thing. Or how your smile reaches your eyes and I swear they sparkle like Ladybird Lake on a sunny day.” I was helpless against the smile that the vision of her happy eyes had put on my face.

She huffed a little, clearly uncomfortable with the praise but I carried on because she needed to hear this. Her self-doubt was an internal thing that she would have to change, and I knew I couldn’t tell her these things enough. At this point, I was willing to say them as many times as it took.

“You’ll never fit into those size negative whatever jeans Danneel wears, but that’s because you love food, you’re active and you love experiencing life. You’ll never reach her level of vain. Plus, I love how you wear your scars with pride instead of slathering on scar removal cream or make up to cover them up. And, your curves and work toned muscles? They’re sexy as fuck. I could watch you shovel manure all day, if you’d let me.” I kissed her nose and she wrinkled it in response, “That’s not to say you can’t be both, because I’ve seen you do both. You can be a tomboy covered in dirt and you can be girly, too. You pigeon hole yourself.”

This drags a muted chuckle from her throat and I can’t help but smile a little wider in triumph. “That’s a shitty thing to say.” She mumbled with a wry grin playing at her lips and I knew I was on the right track.

“I mean…” I slid my hands under her ass and squeezed, making her squeak and squirm in surprise and indignation. My ass groping earned me an indignant glare, but the flush on her cheeks took away any of the bite. “Look at this ass! And the way they fill out those jeans you wear out to the barn? Jesus, fuck, sweetheart.” 

I pulled my hands back and let them smooth up over the curve of her hips to her waist. My thumbs dragged lightly over the delicate skin, the urge to soothe still there beneath my burgeoning desire. My hard cock resting against her back was more than enough evidence to how she affected me. 

“There’s not one molecule of you that I don’t love.”

A small gasp of breath lets me know that we hadn’t gotten that far yet. We hadn’t exchanged ‘I love yous’ and I found it ridiculous that it should surprise her now. I bypassed the opportunity to grope her perfect breasts to cup her face, needing her to see the transparent honesty that I hopefully projected like a goddamn lighthouse.

“I’ve loved you in one way or another for years, and you may think this is a little early. That the situation isn’t perfect, but it doesn’t make it any less true. But this love, that I’m feeling for you, right now? It’s terrifying. I’m terrified of losing you or of you getting hurt. Especially because of me. That’s why everything that has happened lately has hit me so hard. But then, there’s times like this morning...”

I had to look away for a moment. I felt overwhelmed by my own words and by the deep look of affection glazing over her eyes. Even though my hands had been shaking a little, they never left her face. The feel of her soft, smooth skin beneath mine grounded me. 

I took a deep breath after a moment and finally gathered the courage to look back. Her eyes were red rimmed and watery but I hoped it was because I was making some kind of sense. “This morning I woke up and I was hungover and there’s so many things going wrong around us but… here you are. Right beside me and I could probably put it into some poetic words if you gave me time, but fuck… I’m just so fucking happy to be here with you.”

My words must have finally broken through because her tear salted lips crashed into mine, roadkill breath be damned. Somehow she twisted around to straddle my lap and for one second my brain spared a moment to worry about her knee before she ground her bare center suggestively against me and all coherent thought flew out the window.

I gasped into her mouth as she sucked on my bottom lip, worrying it between her teeth. I felt light headed and dizzy as all of my blood raced South faster than my heart could pump it out. I pulled her closer, one hand cradled the back of her head and the other digging into her hip. There was barely any room to breathe, my heart beat erratic rhythms in my aching chest.

Her lips never left mine, but her hands didn’t stay in one place for long. One minute her fingers were running through my hair, occasionally pulling and sending electric shocks straight to my dick. The next moment, her hands were smoothing down my back only to grab my ass in a firm grip, trying to pull me impossibly closer.

It took a moment of focus to realize that she’d been talking and I struggled to make out the words as she barely paused for breath. Her kisses were more urgent and desperate than I’d ever experienced with her and it sent a spike of want through my body to acknowledge that I’m the cause of that desperation.

“…always know what to say… Love you… I love you so much…”

I could feel it as she grew increasingly wet against me, the pleasure zinging through my body making the synapse in my brain cells weak, but eventually a coherent thought fought its way to the surface. The way she was totally focused on my pleasure was mind blowing amazing, but my pleasure hadn’t been what this whole diatribe had been about.

As much as it pained me to do so, my dick protesting painfully with each pulsing throb, I managed to get a grip on her arms and stop her progression. “On your back.” My voice sounded like a garbled, growling mess but she only hesitated for a moment before she acquiesced. She laid on her back, spread out before me and my mouth watered. Here she was, spread in an open offering, just for me to devour.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen shows you how much he loves you and tells you why. In graphic detail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I was gonna post this later this week, but I was too excited to wait. I hope you guys like it. Feedback is like finding a $20 dollar bill in the couch you didn’t expect to be there. I love it!
> 
> Also, this doesn't reflect my opinion of Danneel, I needed a bad guy. Please don't send me hate.

Our eyes locked as I crawled backwards down the bed. A sharp stab of lust shooting through me at the sight of her plump bottom lip trapped between her teeth.

I slid my hands slowly up her shins, over the soft skin behind her knees to finally grip the back of her thighs and spread them as far as they would comfortably go. I telegraphed every intent as I laid down and began pressing chaste kisses to the inside of her thighs. They soon progressed to open mouthed, dirty ones as I tried to memorize the taste of her soft skin under my tongue.

Her hips bucked, a thin whine slipping through her clenched teeth as my breath ghosted over her center. She was soaking wet and I could smell her, a salty sweet scent that made my mouth water.

I nosed along the ticklish crease between her thigh and groin, inhaling deeply just to tease us both. Her musky scent mixed with her wisteria scented body wash and I groaned at how much I wanted to taste it.

She sighed my name as her fingers threading through the longer hair on the top of my head. She was just resting there for now, but I looked forward to the sting of it when she was out of her mind with pleasure. My scalp was a little known hot button, one that Danneel had never even tried to discover. It was at that thought I realized why sex with Y/N was so revolutionary. There was real emotion here, a feeling that I was connected to her in more ways than one. I shook my head to rid myself of the comparison. Danneel had no place here on this bed.

I enthusiastically parted her lips with my thumbs, enjoying the shiver of want I saw course through her body as I took in the view before me. She was shiny with slick and swollen already and the sight slammed me with want, causing me groan deep in my chest.

Just before I lowered my lips to take a taste, our eyes connected again. “You’re beautiful, sweetheart.” I whispered and didn’t pause for a reaction, the need to taste and give her pleasure was too overwhelming to put off sinking my tongue into her folds.

Her gasp of surprise turned into a throaty moan as her taste exploded across my tongue. I couldn’t help the groan that accompanied the dirty, wet sounds of my mouth as I licked and savored her, getting lost in her taste and the feel of her heat against my mouth.

I teased for a moment, dragging my tongue through her hot core and touching everywhere but her clit. Her hips bucked so hard as she looked for friction that I had to hold her down with my forearm. My words were muffled as I sucked on her lips, but I spoke loud enough for her to hear. “I love the way you feel when I’m so deep inside you that your ass presses into my thighs and your walls pulse along with your heart beat. How you fit so snug around me, like you don’t want to let me go.” Her fingers clenched and unclenched in my hair as she moaned. The way her breath was riddled with gasps and whines is intoxicating. She was making my pulse race, but I was only getting started.

The second my mouth left her she whined, her hands dropping to the side to fist her sheets. Although, this time, she was more overcome than frustrated. I soothed my hands over the tops of her thighs in a placating motion before I set the rest of my idea into motion. “You’re perfect.” My lips felt bruised and swollen as I mumbled into the skin covering her hip bone, nibbling and sucking a mark there.

Her scoff got stuck in her throat as I nosed across her mound until I reached the opposite hip bone to make a matching red mark there. I couldn’t touch her enough, so I smoothed my hands up and down her sides and belly, mapping the way before I placed kisses there. She flinched a couple of times, a playful smile quirking her lips, as the contact tickled.

“I love your belly.” She twitched, her hips bucking occasionally as I spoke directly into her skin. “I love that you have an iron stomach. You don’t get squeamish at illness or blood. You don’t make me feel like a bio hazard when I’m sick. I love how you take care of me.” I nuzzled and kissed her warm body, never staying in one spot, filled with the need to press the love I felt for her into her skin. “I love that you go with your gut feeling and intuition.”

She smoothed her hands lovingly over my shoulders and neck pushed into her hands like a cat, and if I were capable of purring I would, She was calming down a little as she ran her fingers through my hair, but soon I’d be riling us both back up. Moving on to her ribs, I traced the line of her ‘love her but leave her wild’ tattoo. She hummed in approval, her finger tips moving to the short hair on my neck.

I placed a few kisses there when I was done, “I love how independent you are and how you’ve made this amazing life for yourself all on your own. I love how you followed your dreams and chose your own path no matter what happened in your life.”

I felt a rush of affection when she blushed, realizing that what made this meaningful was that I didn’t have to embellish or think too hard about what to say. The thoughts came easy and I hoped that she understood that.

I spared a little attention to her breasts. “You know I love these. They’re the perfect handful.” I nuzzled the underside of each one, making her giggle and twitch before I began pressing wet, open mouthed kisses all over them. Her hips twitched up and her giggle slipped into a needy moan when I finally took one of her nipples into my mouth.

Her legs moved restlessly, her thigh accidentally rubbing against my dick in the most delicious way. I ground down, searching for a little relief, groaning loudly into her wet skin when I found it.

Reluctantly, I moved on, pressing kisses along the way until I settled to suck a mark into the center of her chest. I’d intended to drive her crazy with teasing while I hopefully got through that thick skull of hers how wonderful I thought she was, but I was torturing myself, too. Fine tremors moved through me as I fought the urge to drop the whole thing and ravage her.

When I finally gained enough control to speak, it came out breathy and rough. “And your heart. I love your heart because it’s so big. You’ve been through so much, been hurt so many times but you’ve never given up on me. Even when I’ve given up on myself.”

Her hand sifting through my hair and her soft expression was too much. If I stared too long, I would turn this into something else entirely. However, I had a point to make, so I continued on by kissing and nibbling across her collar bone and neck on the path to her ear.

I breathed through the waves of pleasure hitting me as my dick smeared a wet strip of precome across her hip with each movement. She bucked up to meet me, her arms encircling my back and pulling me even closer as she whispered my name into my neck.

Goose bumps erupted all over my body as her breath ghosted against my sweat damp skin, lighting my nerves on fire. “You have no… no idea what you do to me.” I nosed around the sensitive skin around her ear, trying to collect myself. “You have no idea how hard it is to resist you.”

“Then don’t.”

“Nope.” I kind of grumbled and groaned out in a very nonsexy way as I pulled my knees beneath me so I wouldn’t be tempted every time she moved. “I’m sure you wanna hear why I love your ears, right?” She nibbled a teasing bite to my shoulder but said nothing. “I love your ears because they’ve listened to 16 years of my good times and bad times without ever telling me I was stupid for feeling a certain way.”

“I may have told you that you were being stupid a couple of times…” She mumbled against my shoulder, a bit of humor in her tone.

“Only when I needed you to.” I sat up, crouching over her hips, and she took the opportunity to tease her fingers lightly over my throbbing, red cock. “You don’t play fair.” I gasped out and smiled wickedly as I took in her flushed cheeks. I smoothed my thumbs gently over her cheeks and then her eyelids, encouraging them to close. “I love your eyes.” I whispered, lightly kissing each one while I cradled her face in both hands. “Because of the different way you see the world. The way that you see me like no one else ever has.”

“You’re saying I’m an oddball, just in a nice way…”

One eye brow was arched and I paused to kiss it before I kissed her forehead, temples and even the top of her head. It caused her to laugh a little at how cheesy and ridiculous I was being.

I wasn’t really bothered by my current mushy status. It was Y/N that inspired me to act like a lovesick fool, so it only made me smile harder with fondness burning in my chest.

“You are odd, sweetheart… But you’re also unique and individual. You stand out in the best of ways.” The words muffled as I nuzzled into her sweet smelling hair, “I love your brain and your thoughts and ideas. You come up with so many things that I would never think of. The shots you take with your camera are genius.” I nibbled her nose and she flinched away with a slightly perturbed expression on her face. “You’re so damn smart.”

She was incredibly uncomfortable with the praise by now, her body shifting restlessly. “Please Jay, no more teasing?” She was on the verge of tears again and I couldn’t tell now if they were because she was happy or more upset.

I locked eyes with her as my fingers traced over the features on her beautiful face, “I love every bit of you, do you understand? And even the idea of you not understanding how perfect you are…” I finally gave in, laying my completely turned on body against hers so that our lips were only inches apart. “It hurts.”

Her lips were immediately desperate against mine, either overcome with emotion or desperate for me to stop talking. It could’ve been either one as I opened my mouth to her questing tongue with a moan. I was torn between letting her take control and continuing with my plan. Her body was insistent against mine, her hands mapping new paths across my skin.

But once again, somehow a brain cell was allowed to function as I remembered my initial plan. “Y/N wait.” I mumbled, pushing up to hover over her. She was now flush all the way down her neck into her chest, her lips kiss swollen and wet. Her bottom lip trapped between her teeth. Her y/c/e eyes were pleading with me not to tease anymore. “No more teasing,” I kissed the tip of her nose, “I promise.”

I wasted no time before I settled myself back between her thighs and dove in with enthusiasm. I immediately latched onto her clit, lightly sucking and groaning as I savored her flavor and the way she pushed back into my face. “Fuck, Jay! Fuck!” Her hands were buried in my hair and twisting before I knew it, sending bright flashes of want straight to my cock.

“Fuck you taste so good, sweetheart.” I lapped at her lips, creating a completely absurd wet sound with my tongue. She practically screamed my name when my tongue was buried as deep as it could go, massaging her walls with wide strokes.

Between her steel grip in my hair and her hips pushing into my face, she was riding me, and I was enjoying this more than I ever had before. She was out of control from being teased for so long, her body intent on getting pleasure as her actions pressed my nose into her clit. Her movements soon became shaky, her hips rolling in an erratic rhythm as her moans became a higher pitch.

She was repeating my name over and over, sending sparks of pleasure that were incinerating my nerves and self control. Her grip wasn’t so tight that I couldn’t pull back for a breath before diving back in, and I growled words that I knew vibrated all the way up her spine as I gripped her ass to encourage her. “That’s it sweetheart, ride my face. So fucking hot, baby.”

And that’s all it took before her body tensed all over and my mouth was met with a gush of slick as she screamed my name. I worked her through her orgasm, savoring her taste, but never slowing my ministrations. Instead, I added a finger alongside my tongue to her hot center, thrusting in and stretching until she could take a second one.

She was sobbing words that I couldn’t make out. Her thighs shaking and pressing around my ears as I latched onto her clit and sucked as I crooked my fingers just right. It only took a few more strokes of my fingers inside her before she came again, causing a throaty, fucked out moan from her throat and causing me to thrust harshly against the bed a few times to take the edge off. She was so fucking hot.

She was shaking all over and out of breath when I paused a moment to nuzzle her breasts, causing her to gasp before I continued on my way. I settled my weight between her legs and took her lips in a dirty kiss, groaning at the feeling of satisfaction of having her skin flush against mine. At this point, I was afraid that one more twitch from her body and it would all be over before I got to finish this properly.

Her moan was muffled as she pushed hard into my mouth and her hands slid over my back and ass, fingers pressing into skin with too much fervor to be soothing. “Need you, Jay. Please?” Her eyes were glassy and blown wide, her face and neck flush and sweaty from her two very recent orgasms and I felt a deep sense of pride alongside my desperate need.

I smoothed her wild hair out of her face, hands stopping to cup her neck and cheek in my hands. “What do you want, love? Do you want my mouth? My fingers?” It was a genuine question, the desire to take her apart with pleasure my only goal.

Her fingers dug into the skin of my shoulders as her legs wrapped around my waist. Her grip wasn’t enough to draw blood, but enough to get across her frustration and want. “Need your cock, Jensen. Please fuck me?”

Pure lust and possessiveness slammed into me, forcing a surprised huff of breath to gasp from deep in my chest and stealing the rest of my oxygen as if I’d been kicked in the abdomen. My cock twitched against her stomach, blurting precome and adding to the rather impressive amount of fluid that I’d already leaked onto her skin. “Oh fuck, Y/N.” It made it even sexier to know that this wasn’t an attempt at dirty talk, it was a bare honest plea.

I didn’t waste any more time before I was slowly sinking into her, surrounding myself in her wet, tight heat. I let my face fall to her shoulder, my entire body shaking as I willed myself to go slow, holding myself back from just slamming into her and taking. I was barely hanging on, my breath panting out like I’d just ran a marathon instead of pleasure my girlfriend.

Her hands turned gentle again, moving easily over me due to the sweat forming over my skin. She started pressing open mouthed kisses over my neck and shoulder, occasionally sucking bruises there that tested my control. But then, she started to talk, her breath a little choppy and warm in my ear and causing goosebumps to raise everywhere.

“I love you, Jay. I love the teenager you were but I fucking love the man you’ve become.” Her breath was hitching in her chest, her body shuddering with pleasure with every inch I slid into her. “You’re so brave and strong and loving. You’re everything I didn’t think I needed until you kissed me, Jay. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

We both moaned as I bottomed out, my balls resting comfortably nestled against the soft skin of her ass, our panting breath’s nearly synchronized. My heart thumping double time, a heavy feeling of love that was almost too painful in response to her words spreading in my chest. She was holding me tight, even though I was pressing my entire weight against her. It was just like her to feel like she needed to pull her weight in everything, even sex.

“Please.” She was moving her hips, her head rolling back and forth, caught up in the pleasure.

“Please, what?” I teased, receiving a halfhearted glare for my trouble. Her arms clamped down as well as her core, causing my hips to roll and a growl to rumble in my chest. “Fuck, sweetheart.”

I knew once I started to move it would be over, but I couldn’t resist anymore. Especially when she pressed her heels into my ass. I worked my way up into a steady pace before I tucked my face into her neck, sucking the skin there to muffle the out of control moans rising up in my throat. My moans were muffled, but I could hear hers loud and clear.

I dragged in a ragged breath when breathing through my nose didn’t suffice. I felt my orgasm building, and knew at any moment I was going to lose it. I didn’t want to come without her. I wrapped my arms around her, one hand cradling beneath her head and holding her to my shoulder. I tucked my thighs beneath her ass so that I sank deeper and she rolled her hips, pushing down to draw me in.

I wasn’t able to pull out very far, but the feeling of being entirely surrounded by her like this, as I slammed back in, was incredible. “Jensen, I-!” She pulled away from me so that she could see my face, her expression rosy and pained. “Oh, fuck, Jay. I’m-.” Her words were cut off by my lips because I couldn’t stand another moment to go by without kissing her. That’s when I felt her tense, her center gripping me even tighter as she gave into her orgasm.

She moaned helplessly through her release as I fucked her through it, trying like hell to hold on as I watched her fall apart. The feelings that were coursing through me made it hard to breathe while my heart hammered away inside my chest like it wanted to break free. The minute her y/c/e eyes slid open, pleasure glazed and so full of love, my control snapped. I whined, the feelings ratcheting up and becoming almost unbearable as I felt it begin to crash into me. “Baby.” I managed through a strangled moan and my eyes slammed closed. A moan was ripped out of me when my entire body locked up as I released inside her.

“Oh, Jay.” I heard her sigh when the fog started to clear, the contractions still wrecking my body and making me tremble becoming nearly painful. I felt her hands soothing up and down my back, through the hair on the back of my head, her body rocking me through my release and prolonging it. Her lips whispered against my temple as I realized that I’d buried my face into her shoulder. “Love you, Jay. Love you so fucking much.”

It was when I’d finally calmed down, still enjoying the feeling of being inside her as I became soft, that I realized that I’d never loved someone as much as I loved Y/N. I’d never felt this warmth and fullness that felt so good that it hurt and I might die from it. I realized then that I was done taking the passive route, and that whoever was responsible for even thinking about hurting her, was going to fucking pay.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen gets his act together and devises a plan to handle the situation. His only problem is that he doesn't know if Y/N will go along. Also, he unearths some long forgotten issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for still reading and commenting on this story! You guys make me so happy. Also, don't fret, I will be updating Collide hopefully this week. I'm working on an update as I type this. I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend!

By that afternoon, I’d called in the same private investigator that I’d hired for the sex video leak. Before, when it was about me, I’d been able to be patient and nearly passive. It had been about me and only me. 

This time, I made no mistake in how hard I wanted this pursued. 

The next call was to my lawyer. I’d let Danneel call the shots since she’d been the one to file for divorce. Once again I’d been passive, something she’d predicted and used against me. I would no longer be taken advantage of and I would no longer allow Y/N to pay for my mistakes.

The lawyer had told me that she would look into my case and have some options by the end of the day. She advised me to find somewhere to weather the shit storm that could possibly unfold. Especially if I demanded a paternity test.

Now that I’d found where I could be happy, a person that had proven over and over again how deep her love was entrenched in my life? There wasn’t anyone in this world that would get in my way of having that. Soon, Supernatural would be taking over my life again. This needed to be settled. And quickly.

Arranging my side of things had been easy. All that was left now was to fill Y/N in on her part of the plan. Which I knew wouldn’t make her happy. She despised not having choices and possibly being backed into a corner. She’d always clung to her independence... But, maybe I could make it sound like something better than it was? 

It wasn’t likely.

I came in from the porch, which had become my unofficial office space, finally having gotten up the nerve to put my plan into action. There was room inside, but I enjoyed the fresh air and scenery. There was a peaceful feeling being surrounded by flat country pastures and horses grazing slowly in the late Summer sun. It kept me from pulling my hair out and finally going gray.

We hadn’t even started to get out of bed until after lunch time today, but I was satisfied with what I’d accomplished. However, I’d made us a quick brunch and we’d eaten it together safely ensconced in our bed. It was easy to let the world fall away as I tried to stretch out the time that was just her and I. But then, she’d had chores to do in the barn and we’d separated to deal with our own goals for the day.

Which, as it turned out, she must have still been ther,e judging by the quiet that had settled inside her home. If she were inside there would be music, laughter, maybe some cheeky banter that would inevitably bring a smile to my face. 

So, I retreated to the back porch, enjoying the slight breeze blowing the smell of fresh hay and horse gently across my face. I walked quietly, my hands shoved in my jean’s pockets. As I got closer to the barn, the louder the music that was blaring inside could be heard.

When I made it to the barn door, I’d identified that she was listening to Cheap Trick’s Surrender, blaring so loud that you would think the horses would be upset. But upon inspection, the most emotion that was shown by the horses still in stalls, was boredom.

‘Mommy’s alright. Daddy’s alright. They just seem a little weird. Surrender… Surrender…’

The sorrel Quarter horse that I’d ridden when I’d first arrived, nickered from the closest stall and I couldn’t help but go over to run my hands over his soft neck. The horse, who was named Rocket, if the plaque on his stall was any indication, nibbled at my shirt. He then lipped over the back pockets of my jeans.

The fuzzy, searching lips felt strange and made me laugh for the first time that day. “Sorry, buddy. You’re not gonna find any treats in there.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that.” Y/N’s arms circled around from behind to hold me close and Rocket retreated in disappointment. The smell of horse, cedar shavings and her wisteria shampoo was subtle but comforting. “Hey, you.” She stood on tip toes to kiss my cheek and I felt the stress start to untether from my chest and I found I could pull in a full breath.

“Hey.” It didn’t even bother me, the breathy quality to my voice, when I turned to pull her closer. Nor did it when I pressed a chaste kiss to her lips. “You enjoying being able to do manual labor again?”

Our faces only inches apart, her smile beamed between us. “Yes. Although, I gotta say, I’m getting worn out a lot faster than I want to.”

I chuckled at her obvious frustration, my hands running up and down her sides in a comforting motion. “You’ll get it back before you know it, kid.”

“Really?” An eyebrow was arched in question, “We’ve had sex and you’re still gonna call me kid?” I barely registered the change in songs, but it was obvious that she had her iPod hooked up.

Just the mere mention of what we’d been up to for the last few days pushed what I’d come into the barn to discuss completely out of my mind. I slid my hands down to squeeze her ass, pulling her closer. “You bet your sweet ass, kid.” I was pleased to note that the breathy quality was gone. Replaced with a growl as I pulled her so close that we had to share breath to breathe.

Even as I noticed the song change to a mellow Goo Goo Dolls song, I felt the electricity sparking off where we were connected and I was filled with the need to hide us away as long as possible. 

I slid my hands back up to wrap my arms around her, like I could keep her safe by proxy alone. With emotion and want washing over me, I did what we always did when faced with such a moment. My feet began to move, shuffling us to sway from side to side as she melted into my hold.

“Come to me, my sweetest friend. Can you feel my heart again? I’ll take you back where you belong, and this’ll be our favorite song.” I whispered more than sang the words against her ear as she buried her face in my neck, holding back just as tight. The soft crunch of hay and horses shifting in their stalls was the only back ground noise.

She nosed across the exposed skin above my shirt, her lips causing goosebumps to scatter across my arms and chest.

I swallowed a few times, completely overcome with the love I felt for her. For how much I wanted for the lyrics of the entire song to come true. “Come to me with secrets bare. I’ll love you more, so don’t be scared. And when we’re old, and near the end. We’ll go home and start again.”

Her laugh was soft, but it still tickled against the tiny hairs on my neck. “You’re a sap.” She whispered, but I could tell without a doubt that I wasn’t alone. I knew she felt it too. How much, I couldn’t tell. She’d always held her hopes of the future close to her chest.

I grunted my agreement, holding her even tighter. So much so that it was difficult to bring air into my lungs as I whispered the last lyrics with my lips against the shell of her ear. I could feel her every shiver and every breath. “Today’s the day I make you mine. So, get me to the church on time. Take my hand in this empty room. You’re my girl and I’m your groom. Come to me, my sweetest friend. This is where we start again…”

I felt the way her body tensed; the sharp intake of breath as I sang the last lyrics, but I refused to let go until Mr. Blue Sky came on and she broke away with a red flushed face. “You’re distracting me. I’ve got like, two more stalls to get to and-.” Her speech was choppy like she couldn’t catch her breath before she turned to stomp off to the nearest stall.

“Hey, you okay?” It was a dumb question. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that she was so far from fine. That I’d just stepped over a line that terrified her more than anything.

“I’m fine!” There was a nervous laugh between rather violent stabs of her pitch fork into the stall’s shavings. “Um. Didn’t you come down to say something? You looked kind of purposeful and up tight when you walked in.” 

Okay, if that’s how it was gonna be. But I surely wasn’t going to yell over the music to have this conversation. I committed a cardinal sin, as far as Y/N was concerned, and found where her iPod was docked and turned it off. God, the responding silence was suffocating.

Now wasn’t the time to address Y/N’s fears of marriage or, God forbid, children. So I took the deepest breath that I could and reminded myself that this was for the best.

“I was talking to my Mom today and she suggested that we come down to see everybody. Maybe spend a week with the family. It’s been years since you spent any time in Dallas.” I tried to sound as casual as possible, but I saw the minute she saw right through me.

“Okay, so… you want me to hide? To leave my home? To leave the horses I’m just now able to spend time with again?” She stabbed the pitch fork into the stall dirt and put her hands on her hips. “You want me to run from whoever the hell is trying to ruin my life? Put my job on hold? Again?” She then crossed her arms across her chest with a steely expression that I should’ve seen coming as her chin jutted out defiantly. “No.”

“Would you be reasonable?” It was the wrong thing to say, but I ran with it anyway. “You’re not safe here. Especially if this investigation comes to a head. I can’t leave you here.” I tried to keep my body language open. To show her I didn’t have anything else to hide with my hands held open at my sides.

“I’m not your responsibility, Jensen.” Her words were growled with clenched teeth before she attacked her previous task with even more violence than before.

I sighed heavily, blowing the toxic, angry air from my chest. I approached her slowly, even carefully, seeing that she was armed with something that had sharp prongs. “Y/N. Look at me.” It wasn’t a command; the words came out as a plea. 

I couldn’t lose her. Not now. Before any of this had happened between us I would’ve been beside myself with grief. But now? I’m not sure that I’d still be able to exist. To my relief she actually stopped what she was doing, but still wouldn’t turn around. Maybe that was for the best anyway. Both of us didn’t need to suffer the absolute terror that I was feeling at the prospect of losing what we had.

“I know it’s not ideal. I know that.” It took everything I had to just slide my hand through my hair and not pull it in utter frustration and uselessness as I struggled to find the words to make her understand.

She sighed and hung her head for a moment before she finally turned to face me, her expression open. “I’m sorry.” Her hand reached up and gently untangled my fingers from my hair. 

I reveled for a moment, watching with deep affection as she closed her eyes when she cradled my hand against her face. “No. I’m sorry. You have no idea how sorry I-.” 

“This isn’t your fault, Jay. None of this is.” She dropped my hand to wrap her arms around me and tuck her face beneath my chin. Her words were muffled, but they diffused any hesitancy that still lingered in my chest. “I’ll go.”

 

She’d contacted Mike and been packed before 9 o’clock that night. Which was good because our flight was scheduled to leave at 5am the next morning. It was impressive yet terrifying how proficient and organized her packing skills were.


	18. Chapter 18

Come Back Down Part 18 

*^*^*^*^*^*

After I had driven down from Vancouver to pick up Y/N, it had been a fairly quiet trip. I had borrowed Jared’s transport plane to avoid possible large crowds of people rushing home for the holidays for the rest of the trip. It was honestly the best for both of us. What, with her habit of telling people exactly what she thought and avoiding being flooded for pictures and signatures, it was a good plan. Not that I minded that she didn’t hesitate to speak her mind or the fans attention most of the time, it’s just that I was in a hurry to get home.

The trip was perfect, except for the bit of indigestion the coffee I’d consumed earlier had created. I’d just taken to cramming down chalky tums every five minutes. If I alternated that with some Ativan and the occasional Pepto, who could blame me around the holidays? 

I couldn’t believe that it was nearly Thanksgiving already. It had actually aligned with the time frame of our visit if I added a few days onto the end of our trip. It had been a no brainer to stay and it sent Mom over the moon. 

The rental car had been ready as promised when we landed at the airport, a little inconspicuous black Lexus because I didn’t like to attract attention. I just wanted to get to my parent’s house and have a traditional, laidback holiday with them. Plus, I was excited about spending it with Y/N for the first time since we… well, you know.

Yes, everything had been going fine up until that point, until I crouched down to slide into the low seat of the rental car. (By low, I mean how do people not get road rash on their ass driving these pretentious fucking roller skates?!) There was a blinding, sharp pain that caught me completely off guard and made me drop harder into the seat than I’d intended. 

The impact pushed an involuntary grunt out of my lungs as I dropped heavily into the seat. Undoubtedly, I had earned her full focus and concern that I’d been trying to avoid. However, I didn’t get to see her face because I was doubled over so hard that my forehead was on the steering wheel. I felt the weight of her hand sliding smooth circles intended to comfort even though she could have no idea what was wrong.

“Jensen? Can I do something for you? Do I need to-.” I must’ve looked like a wreck as I felt the flop sweat beading up at my temples and the top of my lips. In an effort to keep her from panicking, I wiped the inner part of the sleeve covering my forearm as inconspicuously as possible. Despite my covert efforts, she sounded like she was on her way to being well and truly panicked. And that was just unacceptable. 

“M’okay. Jus’ a stomach cramp. I think I pulled a muscle in the last stunt I did.” It was a lie, but I knew she was already stressed about leaving her home and her animals. I had asked a few of the local PD to keep an eye on the place, and Mike was solidly keeping things under control. However, if you had a stalker, there’s no way you wouldn’t be stressed out, too.

Besides, selfishly, I couldn’t afford any setbacks and I wouldn’t let something as trivial as a stomach ache get in the way of my plans.

Unfortunately, the truth was, I’ve been feeling a little nauseated on and off for the better part of the week. I just didn’t take it seriously because my anxiety kicked up bouts of nausea all the time. Now, this pain was new and I grit my teeth together as it resonated for a couple of minutes before backing off to a dull ache. 

There was such a big contrast between having the sharp pain cramping my stomach and the red, hot poker stabbing into my side that seemed to change with every passing moment.

I sat up slowly, taking even breaths and making a conscious effort to unlock my jaw before I put the car into reverse to back out without even turning to look at her. “Sorry. I’m fine. Must’ve just twisted funny.”

I could feel her eyes watching me carefully, taking in all of the situation before she responded with an entirely unconvinced, “Okay.”

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

“Well, honey, would you look at this? Our son is home for the first time this year!” Despite the sarcastic jab, Mom beamed at us when we walked through the door before I found myself in her rib crushing embrace. By now the pain had mostly eased off to only when I moved a certain way.

The house smelled of cinnamon candles just like I knew it would, a sharp feeling of nostalgia making my eyes wet. My mom loved Christmas and kept some decorations up year round. Candles that were red and green in color could be found scattered artfully around the house, and mostly on the mantle in the living room. It wasn’t anything tacky like multicolored string lights and candy canes, but the nativity stayed on display right next to the fire place. 

I’d often wondered if it was entirely appropriate to put Mary and Baby Jesus next to an open fire. Or it could be that I’d spent way too much time on the show. Maybe I was the only one in the family that continually associated fire with hell and demons.

“And you, don’t you hang back behind him like some blushing maid. We all know better, sweetie.” Y/N’s mock offense was funny before she too was wrapped in mom’s embrace.

Even though I know Y/N had never asked her to, Mom had always taken it upon herself to watch out for her after her parents had died. Y/N’s mom had been her best friend so the sentiment wasn’t unfounded. She always got an invitation for every family gathering, even third cousin christenings. Most Christmas mornings, I would find her down on the couch in her pajamas practically wrapped around a fresh cup of coffee. She was always here, except for the years with that assbag boyfriend that had kept her away from us.

“And he made you carry your own bags? Jensen Ross Ackles, I know I taught you better!” She grabbed the bags that Y/N had insisted on hobbling inside herself and gave me a stern look with her hands on her hips. I immediately felt like I was 5 years old again. “I swear.”

“But, momma, she…” I felt obligated to voice the truth, but she wasn’t hearing any of it and I got distracted by Y/N’s gleeful laugh at my misfortunes.

“Best you just do as your told son.” My father patted my shoulder before brushing past to hug Y/N and I wondered who the favorite child really was. I couldn’t help being a little pouty, even though I’d never ever voice it. I hadn’t seen them in months and yet here they were showering her with attention.

“Oh, baby, you pull that bottom lip back in.” Mom grabbed my lip and tugged like she’d done a million times when I was growing up. “No one likes a pouter. Why don’t you take your things and get settled in. Dinner’ll be ready in about an hour. Your daddy is making bbq ribs.”

I trudged up the stairs with all four bags while Y/N hobbled up the steps one at a time. She was still having trouble with that leg and recently she’d stopped wearing her brace at all. I often wondered if something else was going on but hadn’t the balls to ask just yet.

I dropped the bags on my bed and surveyed the room. My old double sized bed sat in the middle of what could only be described as a shrine. All of my sports trophies were scattered on shelves with certificates of achievement and a few mementos from my younger years. There were some framed pictures sprinkled in that I recognized too. 

“Hey,” she leaned into my side, taking in the room right along with me for the first time since my parents had moved. “Sorry I got you in trouble.”

I looked down to see her sheepish expression, flush still present on her cheeks and felt all the tension leave in one breath. I wrapped my arm over her shoulders to pull her closer and kissed the top of her head. “Don’t worry about it. They just haven’t seen you in a while.” 

“Yeah, I guess.”

“I don’t think I can sleep in here.”

“What, that awkward 90s poster getting to you? Because, I gotta be honest, I probably won’t be able to either because I won’t be able to stop mentally making fun of you.”

“Hey, it was my first poster! I was excited!”

“Those frosted tips, wow. You looked like a Zack from Saved by the Bell wanna be.”

“Hey,” I pointed a finger at her, “You can’t talk shit about Zack, he was the epitome of cool back then.”

“Uh huh. Whatever you say, darlin.” I looked down and could see the teasing smile on her face and relaxed again.

“You’re terrible.”

She turned in my arms and stood on the tips of her toes to kiss my lips. “Yes and you love me.” As she rested back onto her heels she winced. I couldn’t resist pulling her closer to me by her hips.

“You gonna tell me what’s going on with you?”

“Nothing’s going on with me. I’m fine.” She smiled again and I knew it was a lie because her eyes were trained on my old Dallas Cowboys bedspread. “Hey, do you think your parents would mind if I showered the plane germs off?”

“Yes, they have a strict non-cleanliness policy. You can only shower once a week.” I deadpanned and loved her answering eye brow lift. “Of course they won’t mind. Go ahead. Knowing mom, she’s already got fresh towels and those little guest soaps on the counter.”

“Awesome.” She reluctantly let go of me and grabbed a bag before disappearing down the hall. I waited for the telltale click of the bathroom door before I sat down on my bed with a heavy sigh. 

She hadn’t even given me the first hard time after the disagreement in her barn. She hadn’t even wasted any time before she asked Mike to stay and look after things. For that, I was grateful, because it made the arrangements that I had to make easier when I didn’t feel like I was dragging her along for the ride.

I was extremely happy to have her here, surrounded by people I trusted implicitly. She was always happy to see my parents. I knew nothing bad would happen to her while we were here.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^

Before I knew it, we had finished dinner, of which I had eaten carefully because my stomach still hadn’t calmed down since the incident when I got into the rental. If I sat mostly still, the nausea and dull ache were tolerable.

“It’s good to have Y/N back here.” My father commented quietly from his seat at the old oak heirloom dining room table. We were having a cup of coffee while Mom and Y/N washed dishes and put away left overs. The next time when my Mom cooked, it would be Dad’s responsibility, but tonight Dad had grilled out for everyone. I’d always admired my parents balanced relationship. It wasn’t always that way in Texas.

“Yeah, it really is.” I had to admit that I was enjoying having her back here with me. I’d always enjoyed the way my family and Y/N had interacted in the past, and this visit was no different. Mom and Dad knew things were different between us, but had yet to comment or treat her differently.

For instance, at the dinner table, my Mom had taken to filling up Y/N’s plate with food rather than letting her dish out her own because she knew that Y/N wouldn’t eat much if she didn’t. It was a throw back to when her parents had died and my parents had done everything they could think of to help. 

The cleanup was always a point of contention between my mother and Y/N. Mom would insist she have a seat and that she would handle it. It was usually said in an intimidating enough tone that even I would’ve backed down immediately. But not Y/N.

There was a scandalized, “Donna!” heard from Y/N over the hum of the dishwasher and the sink running, followed by loud giggles.

“Well, that sounds suspicious.” My father remarked, throwing an analyzing gaze in their direction.

I held in a laugh as my stomach felt too tight, but smiled. “Yes it does.”

“Maybe we should check on how things are going…” I knew he wasn’t concerned; it was more like he didn’t want to miss out on the fun. I stood up as normally as I could manage, but it seemed that my father’s parental scrutiny picked up that there was a problem immediately. “You okay, son?”

“Yeah. I’m just cramped and sore from traveling in that little toy Jared calls a plane.” I put my acting skills to use and smiled like everything was fine. He too scrutinized me with the same care that Y/N had done in the car.

He’d eventually nodded, “Okay, well let’s go and stop whatever fool thing they’ll want to get us involved in. Remember the time your Mom and Y/N wrangled us into wine tasting a few Thanksgivings ago?”

“How could I forget? Mom and Y/N got borderline smashed and disappeared.”

“Yeah, they were feeding the palate cleansing crackers to the ducks at the pond.” He was shaking his head fondly, “And it wasn’t borderline anything, they were smashed. They kept getting samples of the Rosé from different staff.”

I gave him an exaggerated look of worry, “We better get in there. I’m not carrying either one of their butts back to the car this year.”

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

That night, with Y/N sleeping peacefully snuggled up on my shoulder, a stabbing pain jerked me from a deep sleep. This time, it didn’t let up and I felt lightening sharp pain spark in my stomach and saliva flooded my mouth as I tried to orientate myself.

Oh, parents house.

I was going to throw up.

I tried to be as quiet and careful as possible as I slid out of the bed and made an unsteady beeline for the hall bathroom. It was down to the second when I slammed down on my knees and involuntarily lost my dad’s ribs in his incredible, family heirloom, special BBQ sauce. I was just thankful that I hadn’t bit it in the hall way and puked all over myself like a 5-year-old.

I heaved until nothing was left, and then dry heaved some more. By the time I was done, I was light headed and covered in sweat with a fine shakiness set up in my bones. My stomach felt like it was flipped inside out and my throat was raw. I rested my aching head on the cold toilet lid after I flushed, trying to catch my breath and for the room to stop spinning. I waited for the pain in my gut to stop pounding like a damn beacon.

God, the cold toilet seat felt good. I seriously considered just camping out. I mean, if the toilet was nice and cold, it stood to reason that the floor that was beckoning me would also be. It was so incredibly tempting because I had just barfed up my entire stomach contents and I felt exhausted. But, that would signal that something was wrong and there was no need to panic over a stomach bug or food poisoning.

It was possible the grilled chicken sandwich I’d snuck from set had gone bad. (To be fair, we didn’t really have to sneak anything from set. The crew loved us to the point of getting away with murder.) It only took a few hours for food poisoning to kick in. I’d have to call Jared to check on him since he’d eaten the same kind of sandwich. What else could it be?

I took a moment to brush my teeth and collect myself before I crept back into the room. I then swapped out my boxers and left my t shirt off. By then, the sweat was cooling on my skin that caused goosebumps to pop up. The slight shiver I’d developed didn’t make my stomach feel any better, but even then it was better than being overly hot like before.

She was undisturbed and peaceful, and I was loathing to disrupt her. She had enough on her plate that didn’t involve me being sick. So, I laid there counting her eye lashes until I finally fell asleep.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

The next morning, I woke up before Y/N and took a quick shower, hoping to look better than I felt. The nausea was still there, but I hadn’t thrown up since last night. No, what was really concerning was the pale faced guy with rosy cheeks that had stared back from the mirror. That, and the pain in my abdomen that had kicked it up a notch.

“Hey.” She greeted me with a smile when I entered the bedroom to hand her a cup of coffee, defiled just the way she liked it.

“Hey, sweetheart, did you sleep okay?” I held my most disarming smile long enough for her to take the coffee so that I could curl up next to her and rest my forehead against her neck.

“Yeah, I did. Did you?”

Nothing sounded like she was suspicious and there was no reason to make her worry. “I did.”

It was quiet for a moment while she sipped at her coffee and hummed in approval. I tucked in closer, throwing my leg over hers and wrapping an arm carefully around her waist. It felt fucking fantastic snuggled up next to her. For the first time I questioned coming home. If we’d stayed in Wyoming it would’ve been easy to convince her to stay in bed for most of the day. Without a confirmed illness my parents would drag us out to be social.

She had downed at least half of the warm, aromatic brew before she hummed a bit more emphatically. “Mmmm, your parents make the best coffee. Do you think I can weasel the brand out of them?”

“Dad grows and roasts his own coffee beans, but I bet you could talk him out of a bag. Maybe one could make its way into your stocking. You’ll have to talk to Santa about that one.” The pain and tightness was fading a little and I found I could finally take a deep breath as she laughed.

“So, what’s on the agenda today, love?” She slid her arm over my shoulder to rub my back in slow, calming movements. “You’re awfully warm… are you okay?”

“Love, huh? I like it.” I let the warmth the pet name brought me settle in my chest before I attempted to move like a bomb would go off in my belly if I didn’t go a certain way. I shifted to sit on the edge of the bed, struggling and hoping she couldn’t tell. “I’m fine, just did a few errands for Mom. You know how she can be.”

“Yeah, I guess.” 

She was definitely suspicious, but I wasn’t gonna give her a chance to examine her theories in any sort of detail. “I’m gonna head downstairs to see if they need anything else. I’ll see you when you get that cute ass out of bed.”

I was up and out of there before she could say a word, but I nearly ruined the perfect getaway by losing my balance. Luckily the wall had been there to catch my clumsy ass and I just bruised my elbow. Who does that, I mean, really?

When I found my mother, she was wiping down the counters. She was obsessed with keeping the kitchen spotless. I’d been able to distract her long enough to ask if there was anything I could do to help. 

So, that’s how I ended up pulling ten boxes of Christmas crap out of the attic and a couple more from the garage. It was ridiculous how much my mother loved Christmas. It is an all year type of celebration. She leaves as much out as Mackenzie would allow before becoming personally offended. I believe her favorite phrase when she was 16, was to the effect of us being a bunch of rednecks. To which Mom replied, “Maybe I am a redneck and proud of it! Now get your behind over here and help your brother string the popcorn and cranberries.” Oh, man had she been grumpy and unpleasant to work with. 

My childhood was always filled with fantastic, traditional Christmases, and they really hadn’t stopped when I became an adult. She always had a way of making everything about Christmas magical right down to the personalized stockings on the mantle, to notes in said stockings that told us her hopes for our lives and how proud she was of us.

Once I was done hauling some of the boxes in, I had worked myself back into sweating profusely and the abdomen below my belly button was starting to feel like a hot poker was stabbing me over and over in rhythmic pulses. 

Then, it was my mother’s turn to fawn and question my health. ‘Are you feeling okay?’ 

“M’fine.” I grumbled as I grabbed a lemon-lime Gatorade from the fridge before I attempted to stand up straight like the proud Texan I am. All it did was make her give me that look. The look that said I better spill or she’ll have my precious nuts in a vice.

“I’ve known you best your whole life, son. Since you were in the womb of my belly,” I had to cringe here because, gross. “I know when something’s wrong Jensen Ross. You had better fess up or I’ll…”

Apparently not feeling well made me a tad bit suicidal, “You’ll what, show her my old, embarrassing pictures? Nice try, but she’s seen them all!” I couldn’t help smiling in triumph.

“That may be true, but I am still your mother and I have my ways.” Her hands were reaching out to touch my forehead and if she made contact the charade would be over instantly. 

I backed a step away, “Everything is fine, momma.”

We were in the stare down of my life and she was pulling out the tearful eyes and deeply concerned face only reserved for manipulation. 

Surprisingly, she was the one to cave first, “what are you doing with Y/N? You were just filing for divorce a month ago. Don’t you think this might be moving fast?”

This. This I could answer with all the honesty I had left. “Momma, we’ve been moving towards this since her parents died that Summer. I think I… Mom, she’s my favorite person. She always knows what to do when I fall apart. She’s been filling in the holes to my marriage for years.”

“Are you telling me you-?!” I could tell she had taken that whole statement the wrong way, but it was better to keep her distracted from the obvious. I wanted for Y/N, Mom and Dad to have the best holiday. A visit to the ER for a stomach virus? That was just stupid and I didn’t want to be viewed as a pathogenic mess on the holidays.

“No, I’m talking the best friend part that Danneel was supposed to be. The part that puts me first and that I put her first. The part that doesn’t run away when I get a bad cold or have a metaphorical bump in the road. She’s the one I should’ve seen before. And, before you go jumping on that, I thought I loved her, Mom. I, fuck… I didn’t plan on getting a divorce and you know the last person I would’ve wanted to disappoint would be you. We never cheated, Mom.” Ugh, the fever I didn’t realize I had was making my eyes water like a pushed button. 

“Oh, honey, I didn’t mean to make you upset.” The thought of my mother actually believing that I might’ve cheated was seared in my brain and left me caught off guard. So, when she leaned in for a hug, I didn’t resist and the impact of a firm hug from my mother cued up the best acting I’d done. Ever. 

I held in the grunt of pain created by just the small bit of pressure applied to my abdomen. With my face tucked against her neck, she couldn’t see me go red in the face.

“You are a little warm, baby. Keep an eye on that, okay?” She patted my back in what would normally be a comfort but sent shock waves through my entire body. Like my nerves were too sensitive and on freakin fire.

“I will, Mom.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And the drama continues... This particular chapter and the following chapters will not portray Danneel in a good light. This does not in any way reflect my true opinion of her or do I wish anything like this to happen to her. Please enjoy this for its fiction value! Let me know what you think loves!

Come Back Down Part 19

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

In what I can only describe as insanity, I lived through letting Mom and Y/N drag me around to the boutiques in downtown for last minute Christmas Shopping. It was hard to slip away when I felt like I would heave anything left in my stomach and I’d gotten some dirty looks. But, I’d managed. Their happy faces and banter made the sacrifice worth it.

I don’t even want to talk about lunch. Let’s just say I’ll never eat at Ghirelli’s ever again. Then, we’d driven through the first night of the Christmas Lights in another part of town. That had been a relief because I got to sit down and blankly stare out the window without having to control the expression on my face. I had no idea how I would be standing up again, but I pushed that thought to the back of my mind for now. Hiding how I felt from everyone was exhausting and I fought to keep my eyes open.

That had been the highlight of the evening, letting Y/N snuggle in close in the backseat while Dad drove us through. My parents had been their adorable selves and held hands while talking about the different displays. It was basically the same displays every year so I was able to let my eyes slide closed and still participate in the conversation.

The only mistake I made was to hand over my hot chocolate with the extra marshmallows to Y/N because there was just no way I would’ve been that giving of my Mom’s homemade hot cocoa in good physical and mental health. Especially when it had been laced with a healthy dose of peppermint schnapps. No matter how important you were to me, I never willingly gave up all of my favorites. Call it a flaw born of being a middle child and having to share with both an annoying older brother and younger sister. I didn’t learn to share. I learned to hoard.

The amount of scrutiny that was received through the rear view mirror made the backseat extremely uncomfortable. I could feel that the flop sweat was only a few minutes away, itching underneath my skin as my abdomen pulsated in pain that had me wanting to curl into a ball and disappear.

Y/N leaned in close, her lips at my ear, her cocoa and peppermint breath a little intoxicating and nauseating at the same time. How was that even possible? “I don’t know exactly what’s going on with you, but you’re not fooling anyone. I can feel the heat radiating off of your skin and even in just the dim lighting, I can tell you’re pale and rosy cheeked. So, when you’re done being stubborn, I’m here, okay?”

Suddenly it was a little hard to swallow, my throat felt clogged with relief. Relief that she wouldn’t be upset when I finally came clean about what I’d been trying to keep to myself. I closed my eyes against the rush of emotion that pressed at my eyelids when she grabbed my hand and squeezed. “Okay.”

She pressed a kiss to my hot cheek before settling in next to me in a way that didn’t cause me pain. Like she had already put the symptoms together and surmised the diagnosis way before I had. “Okay.”

I was close to nodding off when we finally pulled into the drive way. The extreme relief of finally being home, with all intention of coming clean and crawling into bed were crushed when I saw her. Well, not her, but her red, flashy Escalade.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that we were here over the Thanksgiving holiday. The last thing I expected was for her to have the balls to show up and for me to find her sitting on the front door step, pregnant as hell. Could she have picked a better time? 

“You gonna be okay, son?” My Mom asked, obvious flush on her cheeks from the schnapps and a look of protective steel to her eyes. There was no doubt in my mind that the two women in this car would throw down in one way or another in my defense if I needed them to.

“I’ll be fine.” I answered as confidently as I could, swallowing loudly as I felt the bile crawling slowly up my throat.

Mom gave us both one last look, searching for any indecision before both of my parents got out of the car like they were practicing synchronicity. We watched them go, a moment of silence falling uncomfortably over the back seat as I could feel her vibrating with anger next to me.

“Umm, this is completely awkward.” I heard the livid vibration in her voice clear as a bell as I watched my Mom and Dad walk past Danneel and into the house without a word. Danneel was stung by their inattention, but it’s not like I expected my parents to act like she hadn’t divorced me and then blackmailed me into staying with her.

I squeezed her hand, leaned in to kiss her cheek, and whispered carefully into her ear. “You’re going to go in, sweetheart, and you’re gonna let me handle my own baggage, okay?”

I knew letting all of my misery show wasn’t exactly playing fair, but it worked. “Jensen, you don’t have to do this, okay? You could just ignore her and go inside. We could get a restraining order or something.”

“I know it sucks, but if I do any of those things, she’ll start more of a shit storm than she already has. Besides, if she’s the one responsible for your accident and barn damage, then we need to keep her calm.”

“Fuck, but I’d like to punch her stupid, smug face, Jay. I seriously think it would help me sleep better at night.” The funny thing is, I knew it wasn’t a bluff and it brought a genuine smile to my face for the first time in several hours.

“I know it’d make you happy, but I need you to help me out here and let me get it.”

The angry blue bird was in full force as she nodded her begrudging agreement not to start anything, but to walk past and go inside.

“I’ll do what you think is best, Jay. But, her ass is mine if she so much as touches you.”

“Easy, Tiger. I got this.” I sighed, just the anxiety of seeing her here zapped all of my meager energy. However, as I struggled to get out of the car, I had a sudden moment of relief. It’s like the pain had gone down to a little ache and nothing more. Perfect. Just in time.

I gripped her hand as we walked up the walk way, my heart hammering over time in my chest. God I needed an Ativan, big time. When we reached the stairs, I pulled her close and kissed her forehead. Lingering there as I took in her scent of wisteria and let it relax me.

Then, I squeezed her shoulders, indicating that she should go. She didn’t hesitate, but if looks could actually kill? Danneel would be a smoking corpse. I waited until the door closed before I turned guarded eyes to her. “What do you want?”

“Spending Thanksgiving with an innocent but chronically frumpy country hick? Really classy, and between you and me? I don’t think the smell of horse manure can be scrubbed off if it’s already oozing out of her pores, Jen.” There was a sneer on her perfectly symmetrical face, it leached any of the beauty that she may have held away. 

“You know that’s not true, Danneel. You know Mom and Dad would want her here, even if she did smell like horse manure. Of which, I can assure you, I have the privilege of being intimately familiar with every centimeter of her body. If she smelled like shit I think I would’ve noticed.” The words were like a lit fuse, the energy dragging out of me and collecting to form a fallout like the second pause before an explosion.

“Whatever.” She stood, and it gave me a bit of satisfaction to still look down on her. “I’m here because I got served with new papers today. Right in the middle of the grocery store.”

“You knew it was coming. You manipulated me, and this was my lawyer’s answer.” Was it me, or were the edges of my vision a little black and fuzzy?

“You know this is going to paint you in bad light, picking on a pregnant woman, right? A brave woman who’s now on her own because her legal husband is playing house with his fucking country hick best friend.” 

She poked her sharp, perfectly manicured nail repeatedly into my chest, and I felt like my eyes were rolling in their sockets when I tried to focus. To be honest, most of her words were lost to the annoying ringing that had taken up in my ears just seconds before. Her angry, pinched face came in and out of focus and I randomly thought that she must be happy that her baby weight didn’t show up in her vapid face.

“It’s also gonna effect Y/N, her reputation, you understand? I’ll make sure she never sells another damn print, Jensen. Is it that worth it to you? For me to destroy her life over your stupidity? All I’m asking is that you rejoin your pregnant wife in your own home. We can raise these babies, together. We could be the family we always dreamed of being.” I vaguely registered her ice cold hand touching my face as her voice started to fade out more and the world began to spin a little faster.

Her voice grew in volume, the one that at one time I thought had been adorable, was making the ringing in my ears escalate into eardrum bursting and the darkness threatened to take over. “You’d do anything to get me back, wouldn’t you?” I was feeling so woozy that I couldn’t even berate myself for only being able speak like the words were forced to filter through a meat grinder first.

“Yes, Jensen,” her relief was almost painful to watch. “I love you. We’re having our babies, finally. You still want these babies. I know you do. That was one of the requirements before you would even marry me. And I was on the same page, I wanted those babies so bad…” I barely registered her hands now sliding down my arms to rest on my nonexistent abs, my breath heaving as I struggled to breathe the air that seemed to be thickening to the viscosity of 50 weight motor oil.

“Including scaring Y/N away. Maybe even getting rid of her permanently?” I was feeling gradually more breathless, my heart fluttering like rapid fire in my chest.

The pause is what gave it away, the pause of silence as I struggled to keep my feet. It was then, as I was struggling to make it stop spinning so damn fast, that there was no doubt that she was responsible.

“Are you kidding me… are you even listening… Fuck y-… Jensen? Jensen?!? Someone, help!!” My thoughts were a little slow, like slogging through marsh mud. My view of the stars disappearing after a sharp pain on the back of my head. Then it was all black. Nothingness. Cool black relief. I don’t know if anyone saw the relief and the smile that must’ve crossed my face. I didn’t feel any pain anymore.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen's health takes a nose dive and he finds out its a lot more complicated than food poisoning. He really shouldn't have tried to muscle his way through this one. He also finds out that the situation with Danneel is a lot more complicated than he previously thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! This chapter does not portray Danneel in a good light. This does not necessarily reflect my personal views of her and I would love it if you guys didn't send me any hate for it. I mean, if you really need to because you guys are my readers and I love you, but please promise to tone it down to slightly hurtful?

Come Back Down Part 20

“Jay, you stubborn ass.” It was Y/N’s voice that I heard, echoing in the abyss I was floating in. I couldn’t see her, but I could sense that she was sitting to my left, holding my hand with cold fingers. “You better wake up. You didn’t let me give up, damnit.”

I tried to move, but it felt like a heavy black blanket was keeping me from doing anything to respond. My arms and legs wouldn’t move. I pushed at it with all of my strength, but it wouldn’t budge.

“This is really just our luck, huh? Just when things are going our way they go to hell.” 

“To be fair, it wasn’t really all sunshine. My ex-wife is stalking you.”

She sighed and then fell silent for a few scary moments where I thought she had left. The silence making the blanket even heavier. “I love you, Jay.” I heard the tears in her voice, the thickness in her throat as she tried to give me hell. “I should’ve made you tell me and it wouldn’t have progressed to this.”

“I love you too, sweetheart. This isn’t your fault.”

“I’m so sorry. I should’ve just… I’m not used to you hiding stuff from me, Jensen.” I felt her fingers thread through my hair and her warm lips on my cheek. “But you’re gonna get a pass because I wasn’t so honest with you when you needed me to be. So, you’re off the hook, but you have to wake up.”

I struggled against the blanket as I felt myself sinking into the dark further. Her voice, each syllable spoken brushing warm against my consciousness. I wanted to keep listening to her talk but it was becoming muffled.

“Jensen, please… please...?”

I doubled my effort to stay there, next to her, to the woman who I loved more than the Dallas Cowboys and all the Maxim girls I’d ever met. “I’ll try. I promise, Y/N. I promise.”

And then I ceased to exist, my body just floating. Sedated but conscious and stuck until I couldn’t feel a damn thing.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

The next time I was aware, the pain had almost completely receded into a feeling that made me think I’d been in bed too long and the blanket didn’t feel as heavy. I felt floaty, like the time I’d had my tonsils taken out. But even though I tried, I couldn’t get my eye lids to cooperate. I felt that something was in my throat and somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it was a trachea tube.

But, once I decided not to panic, I realized that there was a commotion going on around me. Y/N was yelling at someone in what could barely pass as a harsh whisper.

“How dare you show up here! What’s the fucks the matter with you?”

“Y/N, remember she’s pregnant.” Came Jared’s voice, calm and cool on the surface, but I could hear the warning there. He wasn’t any happier with Danneel than I was, but he wouldn’t tolerate any harm to a baby.

Before I even heard her voice, my nose was hit with her designer perfume. The heavy notes of roses mixing with the sterilizing cleaner used in the hospital room assaulted my nose and tickled the back of my throat. I was going to start coughing here in just a second. “He’s still my husband! I’m still his emergency contact. I’m more qualified to be here than any of you!” Shrill. Had her voice really always been that way? The sharp noise bounced around on the inside of my skull like an echo on repeat. Fuck!

“No, get out.” Y/N sounded like she was at the end of her rope. Like, the next day after her nightmares, when she’d crawl into bed with me and cry. She would always be so angry. So absolutely wrecked and looking to take someone down in a fight. I let her rail at me a few times, anything to bring her back from that jagged edge.

The fact that it was Danneel was a thought that floated by and I felt a momentary second of concern. Y/N wasn’t necessarily pro children, but I never imagined that she would ever actually do any harm. She’d always gotten along with my young cousins or my nephew.

“Why do you keep doing this to him? You’ve been jerking him around for the better part of a year! This needs to stop. Now!” I’d hardly ever heard the level of absolute disdain in Y/N voice. She was still barely containing her temper, her voice breaking in the places where she wanted to scream.

“How does it feel to be an adulterous bitch, huh? How long did you wait before you jumped him? Did you think I didn’t see the way you’ve looked at him all of these years? You’re dewy, love sick eyes, on a married man at every family dinner.” Danneel was a Southern girl too and they both had a tendency to fight dirty if need be. Hair pulling, scratching...

Oh shit.

“Get your fucking hands off me!” There was skin smacking against skin and screams of rage. There was a horrendously loud ripping noise like someone had just torn a tapestry in half with their bare hands. Suddenly, a collective gasp preluded the heavy, shocked silence that followed. Since just opening my eyelids wasn’t an automatic luxury for me at the moment, I began to argue my point. I needed to see what the hell was going on!

“Oh my god, you’re crazy.” She didn’t raise her voice at all this time, but I could hear the complete shock in it, maybe even pity. The room was ice cold and nobody was speaking. No one was speaking up on Danneel’s behalf anymore.

That’s when more screaming started.

It sounded like a body hit the wall, and that’s when I heard Jared yelling for Y/N to stop. 

“Hey, Y/N, stop it! Take your arm off her throat!” There was more scuffling, shoes shifting violently against the tile floors. “Calm down, Y/N. Breathe. C’mon… that’s it...”

There was harsh coughing in the background that sounded like Danneel. My ears were more attuned to the heavy, agitated breaths I knew were Y/N, upset and so angry that she was on the verge of tears.

“I’m gonna sue your ass,” *cough* “for all your little,” *deep breath* “picture business is worth!”

“Yeah?” Y/N was definitely crying; I could hear the thickness in her voice and practically see the angry tears on her flushed cheeks. “And Jensen will get it all back when he sues your fucking ass for defamation!”

“Y/N.” Jared warned, grabbing her arm to stop her from lunging for Danneel again.

“What were you going to do? Tell him you lost them? Huh? A fucking body suit?! Really?!” Jared hadn’t removed his grip on her arm, but his face said that he wanted to let her go and cheer her on. That he might just tear her apart himself. Which, was an odd look for him. “How could you do this to him? Do you know how much he beat himself up for not being able to give you a child in the first place? How much this will fuck him up?”

She jerked her arm out of Jared’s hold and was in Danneel’s face again. “Y/N, c’mon. They’re gonna call security.” Jared’s plea half assed at best, more geared to keep her out of trouble than to protect Danneel anymore.

Danneel was red faced and breathing heavy. Her shirt was torn and the ugly taupe colored pregnant body suit was hanging off of her, exposed. “If he had come home with me I would’ve told him the truth!” Her voice was more of a growl because of the hold Y/N had been putting on her throat. “I just needed him to be on my side. For him to listen to me! Then we could try for a real baby. I’m going to a fertility clinic for treatment. I could have a real baby now.”

My brain muzzily provided that I could finally see what was happening. That Danneel really wasn’t pregnant at all but wearing a pregnant shaped body suit. 

“Don’t you get him at all? Didn’t you see what you were doing to him?” She took a deep, quivering breath. “You’re going to get the fuck out of here. Now, because right now, Jared won’t try to hold me back.”

This time Jared stepped up behind Y/N and put his hands on her shoulders in a show of support and expression that clearly stated that he was also a threat. 

Danneel didn’t even look back before she stomped as much as her Versace shoes could stomp, trying to pull her clothes and body suit back on properly as she walked out the door. The silence and shock she left behind was suffocating and it unleashed a sense of fear so deep that I began to panic.

I couldn’t stand the feel of the tube anymore, the inability to take a deep breath and the heavy scent of despair and strong rose scented perfume made my trachea spasm. My throat felt like a few layers had been scraped off before they even got the tube out. I felt raw tears of frustration springing to my eyes and leaking down my cheeks while a nurse tried to talk me down. I was only able to cough and struggle in return. The walls looked like they were closing in. The edges of my vision started to smudge black. The panic ramped up quickly, my heart rabbiting to the rhythm of the pulse ox that I could barely acknowledge. 

“Sir, were going to take it out. Please try to stay calm.” I reached for the tube myself, needing it out now so that I could get to Y/N. The look of absolute horror on her tear stained face was haunting as she stared wide eyed from across the room. When a small voice in my head accused me of being the cause of that expression, I immediately tried to calm myself. 

The effort was taxing and I could feel the heat of my face and the tears mixed with beads of sweat rolling down my cheek and temple unchecked. “Mr. Ackles. Jensen, you’re okay. Just give us a second to deflate the cuff. Someone come talk to him, damnit!”

“Hey, hey buddy, you’re okay. Jensen, you’re okay. You just had some surgery. Everything is fine.” Jared. 

Jared’s overly large hand was on my shoulder as he leaned over to be in my eye line. Seeing the silhouette of my friend’s hulking shoulders, I was distracted long enough for the nurse to get a hold of the cuff to deflate, my air way opening but still chaffing against the tube.

“Okay, Jensen, give me a good, hard cough and we’ll get this out.” With a feeling that my throat was being torn from my body, I coughed and gagged until it was finally out. I dragged in a deep, painful breath that felt like razors slicing my throat and the oxygen seared sharply but helpfully into my lungs.

“That’s it, buddy. It’s okay. You’re gonna be okay.” Jared was still standing by my side, hand still on my shoulder, as the nurse stayed to take down vitals and administer some Ativan iv. When I thought to look for Y/N again, she was gone.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

My parents had both rushed into the room with extreme relief on their faces. Apparently, they’d just stepped out to grab food when Y/N had given them the good news. As Jared moved to relinquish his spot, I grabbed his arm. Just the simple movement was taxing. “Jay.”

“Yeah?” The relief was clear on his face as he leaned back in, a smile on his face. “I’ve got it. Just take it easy. You just full on bucked like a rodeo bull.” 

Leave it to Jared to make me huff out a laugh then completely regret the gesture but to also get exactly what I was talking about. He knew he was needed to check on Y/N.

I accepted my parents relieved kisses and half hugs. I listened as the doctor told me that I’d ruptured my appendix and become septic. That I’d coded during an appendectomy due to the stress on my system. How I’d stayed under for a couple of days. That I might not get out of here before Thanksgiving. That my recovery time would be longer due to the fact that it was an open procedure and that I might be out of work until the end of December because of it.

The entire time, all I could think about was how Y/N must’ve felt as she waited, terrified for nearly 72 hours. 

I tried to keep my eyes open, much to my parents nearly manic amusement, but eventually I was pulled under by the mix of sedatives and pain medication. As I drifted I knew Jared had it under control, but as grateful as I was to have my family and Jared there, not having her even in the room left a hollow crater in my chest. 

I could’ve died on that table because of some self-imposed martyr complex. I considered letting myself off the hook by blaming Danneel and her complete lack of empathy. It was easy to recall how I’d always hid my illness from her until I couldn’t. That the sheer awkwardness of needing her to help me when I knew full well that she found a lot of this abhorrent and made me feel like a biohazard. But, in the long run, I just couldn’t bring myself to blame anyone but myself.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^

The next time I became aware of my surroundings, I had no idea how much time had passed. But I recognized the scent of wisteria as tendrils of the skin warmed scent wrapped softly around my subconscious.

I struggled a moment to open my eyes, the harshness of the fluorescent lights searing my retinas as I fought against the remnants of sedatives making my movements feel like slogging through mud.

“Hey, sleepyhead.” Her voice had a soft quality to it as I turned my head in her direction and basically ended up staring straight into her y/c/e eyes. Even the small movement of my head caused a domino effect of pain all the way down my incision. I couldn’t keep the grunt of pain down or stop my eyes for slamming shut. 

I began to panic when I heard her stand up and opened my eyes wide to frantically search for her in the room. The pain I was feeling all over just contributed to the crazy energy of ‘I need to get the fuck out of here now’ I felt building in my chest. I couldn’t move. I was trapped here by bandages and iv lines and Oh God I’m peeing into a fucking bag! My voice came out as a pained whisper with a tinge of desperation that she mistook as another symptom of pain. “Wait.”

“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go tell one of the nurses you’re awake. You’re probably due for some more pain meds.”

She didn’t even turn back before she slipped out of the room. The door clicking shut echoed in the clinically sterile emptiness, causing the feeling to ramp up another notch. I was alone. My whole body was drenched in a wave of dread, my stomach feeling hollow and a hard object was blocking my airways from dragging in a full breath. I tried to convince myself that there was nothing wrong. That there was no reason for me to be feeling this way, but then my brain undermined my effort by reminding me that I’d just had a major surgery a couple of days ago. 

My eyes slid closed as a teeth jarring chill wracked through my body and caused me to break out in a cold sweat. Fuck! Two days ago I had been medically dead. My heart had stopped beating; the blood had stopped bringing oxygen into my brain. What if I was really dead and this was my version of hell? There was a dream like haze supplied by my vision, aiding my brain in scaring the living fuck out of me. 

Maybe I was in an alternate universe and the Jensen that lived in the previous universe was dead in a morgue somewhere. But that couldn’t be it, right? I mean, I’d know when I was dead, surely…

But what if I didn’t know?

A light touch on my shoulder startled me, jostling my incision even further and making me feel like there was a fire roaring in my stomach. “Mr. Ackles, I need you to take a few deep breaths for me, okay?” She nodded her head up and down when she spoke, subconsciously trying to convince me to listen to her directions. “I’ve got some Ativan I’m going to put in your iv line while we wait for the doctor to approve the pain medication. We need to give the Ativan a fighting chance so, c’mon…” Her bedside manner was very gruff, but when she took my hand to reassure me, I could tell that her personality didn’t interfere with the quality of care she provided.

She breathed in long enough for her lungs to fill and then slowly let it out, making exaggerated mouth shapes to show what she was doing. If I had my lucidity I would’ve probably laughed.

I shook my head no, swallowing compulsively to try to soothe my scraped throat.

“Don’t say no to me, Mr. Ackles. You don’t want to piss me off. I supply your pain meds and the extra jello cups. C’mon, that’s it.”

My heart was still racing uncomfortably in my chest, my eyes having a difficult time focusing on her face. The deep breath I took pulled some much needed oxygen into my lungs but also tickled my ruined throat, sending me into a coughing fit. I was already robbed of my oxygen and the coughing sent sharp pains into my head and caused the room to spin dangerously again.

“Here, Mr. Ackles, I’ve got your friend right here. What’s your name dear?”

“Y/N.” Even in the middle of my coughing fit, I could tell that I’d managed to scare her to death once again. But as I struggled to calm down, the coughing just wouldn’t let up. If I didn’t get more oxygen than the shallow breaths I was able to wheeze in, I was going to pass out.

“Okay, Y/N here is gonna try to help you calm down while I go grab something for you to drink and check on the pain medicine, okay?” 

I felt my head bobble to the direction of yes and she took it as the agreement that it was. The muscles in my chest were starting to knot with the tension and they protested when I could finally stop coughing and hold my breath for a moment.

“Hey, you’re okay.” Y/N pushed the hair back that had flattened to my forehead with sweat. “Just try to take those big breaths. You’re doing great.”

I tentatively breathed in, only this time I was able to resist the tickle it caused. I got another couple breaths in quick succession and started to feel a little less like the room was spinning and more like I could fall asleep at any minute. When she began running her fingers through my hair and massaging my scalp, my heart finally got the memo and started to slow down. Now, I was able to feel that I was drenched in sweat. I probably smelled pretty ripe for having been in a hospital bed for two days straight. God, what I wouldn’t give for a fucking shower.

“Touching your hair works every time, Jay.” When her face finally came into focus she was wearing a soft smile and appeared to have it all under control except for the bags beneath her eyes that gave it away.

I looked through the window behind her to avoid looking into what I knew would be fearful, worried eyes. They would look shiny, like the ocean on a windless day. But then, the shiny film of moisture would just highlight the kaleidoscope of colors that joined together to give her storm cloud irises. It never failed, when the tears finally slid down her cheeks, that my eyes would start to get watery in return. 

It takes me a drug befuddled moment to realize that the strange, slightly tickling motion on my cheeks are actually tears. The worry that flickered in her eyes as her tears fell slugged me straight to the gut with guilt. I caused this. If I had been responsible with my health instead of trying to guess, she wouldn’t have fear sliding down her cheeks from jewel bright eyes.

And then, she rested her hand on my chest, like she’d done so many months in her guest bathroom. The gesture made my breath hitch as she rubbed wide circles to comfort me. “You’re gonna be okay, Jay. She’ll be back any minute. Just hang in there.” Her voice wobbled a little on the edge of breaking as she continued to offer me comfort that I didn’t deserve.

“I died,” was not the comforting platitudes that I had thought out to say. Instead, because of my scratched throat, the words came out in a low growl.

She expressed her grief with a haunted laugh, tears still methodically falling down her cheeks and making her black eyelashes clump together. When she nodded her head, she also pressed a little harder into the sore muscles. The muscles had no chance. They would yield to her magic fingers and only be a painful memory.

“For an entire minute you weren’t responding.” She took a deep breath as she tried to get her emotions under control. “When they found that your appendix had ruptured, they sent another doctor out to us in the waiting room. She warned us that the open appendectomy was not preferable and had its own set of risks but it was the only option. They were afraid they hadn’t gotten rid of the infection in time. You wouldn’t wake up. They thought that maybe-.” An involuntary sob stopped those words from seeing the light of day as she used both of her hands to cover her face. 

She turned away from me, but I still heard the catches in her breath as she wiped angrily at her wet face. When she turned back around after a long moment she seemed to be a bit more put together. She assured me that she was fine as she crawled into the small space beside me, her hand still pressing the ache away from the muscles in my chest as she carefully curled against me.

“You’ll be fine now though. Everything is fine.” She weakened her mask of calm when she pressed her fingers into my pulse on the inside of my wrist before she fell asleep. “Just get some rest.” She kissed my cheek, and then tucked her face into my neck. Her even breaths lulled me into yet another deep sleep.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery is not easy for Jensen and Y/N tries to cheer him up. He also finds out more information about Danneel.

Cbd21

I’d been home for about 2 weeks now and had barely even left this room. Despite being drugged up to the gills for most of it, I was starting to lose patience with everyone. Mom had, of course, been insufferable and over attentive which was both annoying and guilt inducing. I knew there were preparations for her favorite holiday to be done but she was too busy checking on me every thirty minutes. Which, was an improvement because up until a couple of days ago, it had been every five. 

It was a crazy concept to me, when I thought about it, but Christmas was only less than a week away. The two weeks I’d spent in hospital had seemed to drag on and on, but it turned out that hospital time goes a lot slower than real time. 

The time I spent hospitalized was anxiety inducing, especially with my parents and their superpower of smothering the fuck out of me. My family had come to an agreement of a different schedule when I finally lost it enough to need more iv Ativan.

They were only allowed to come in one person at a time. My parents traded of the morning and afternoon shift. Josh, Mackenzie and Jared had each come to visit and take a ‘shift’ that I found unnecessary since I had a very attentive nurse. She came quickly when I had to break down and push the button but she hadn’t tried to make small talk. She was there to get down to business.

Then there was Y/N. She mainly took the night shift, after my parents and I had put our foot down that she needed a shower and at least 5 hours of sleep that she wouldn’t get if she stayed glued to my side 24/7. Selfishly I wanted her to stay with me and scare off my parents with her haunted eyes. But, she truthfully hadn't recovered from me scaring the ever loving fuck out of her and she needed sleep and food.

So now, even though I was feeling pouty and ready to hunchback my healing ass out of this room and to the nearest bar, I stifled it. Earlier in the week, I’d half heartedly tried to convince her to go home to Wyoming. I told her she didn’t have to stay to take care of me when she had so many things to do at home. The argument was pointless, like arguing with an especially grumpy mule. I tried to let the guilt bog me down. I tried to convince myself that I was not just uselessly just putting her life on hold, and many of the cast and crew were ‘home on break’ until we had a full cast to work with.

So much guilt. Forever with the guilt. 

Unfortunately for me, she was also extremely perceptive. She always had been, and she knew with just one look that I wasn’t handling the bed surfing part of my recovery well. If I were honest with myself, I would admit that the appendectomy had scared the fuck out of me too. But, it seemed wrong to voice that when everyone else had been terrified too. I was damn relieved that she hadn’t listened when I told her that she should go home.

She knew from experience how much of a pain in the ass I could be when I wasn’t feeling well. And, like I’d said before, we’d been there for each other through a large variety of situations. Like, the time I’d gotten mono from making out with Anna McDowell the summer before senior year. 

Y/N had been the only person home because she was visiting over her break. Dad was off filming a part in some sitcom that filmed in Vancouver. After I had assured Mom that Y/N and I could behave and would be fine alone, she had reluctantly gone with him. 

My throat had been brutally sore and I’d felt weighed down like I could sleep for days at a time. I’ll just say that mono had made the bad cold I’d had back in Cheyenne look like the sniffles. She made sure I drank plenty of fluids and took my medication. She would even bring me popsicles if I didn’t bitch too much. I know I definitely tested Y/N’s patience that first week of summer. It was one of the many times that solidified the position she held in my life as my favorite person.

Now, things were a little different. We weren’t just two teenagers trying to get by anymore. She never gave me any inclination that she ever planned to run like hell. I’d tried to get used to the very real possibility that dealing with all of this was just too much for me to ask. How could such a friend stay in my life for so long? Especially when they were picking up pictures of her and putting them in the gossip magazines? 

My life was already spilling over into hers and I hadn’t made anything official. I’d gotten comfortable with what we had, but now I had to consider the possibility that she wouldn’t want the kind of life that was constantly being observed underneath a microscope. Not that I could completely begrudge Danneel for going off the deep end, but I knew I was going to get some backlash for that. That meant that Y/N might get backlash, too. Some of my fans had tagged her as the ‘other woman’ years ago before I’d wizened up.

My sad effort to keep these worries and some others under wraps and my problem alone had failed. She’d tried to cheer me up by offering me my favorite foods or letting me watch whatever I wanted, but the truth was that I was going fucking stir crazy. I didn’t want to sit still so that my abdominal internal sutures could heal properly like the outside sutures were headed to a lot quicker than I had thought. To be honest, it was getting a little itchy which just added to my discontent.

To be fair, I recognized that it was my own damn fault that I’d landed in this situation. If I hadn’t been such a hard headed dipshit, I’d be back on set by now.

On top of that, I couldn’t help but think about Danneel and the fake pregnancy. I still hadn’t been able to give her what she wanted. It still stung more than I was prepared for, even though we weren’t together anymore. Our divorce had caused her to suffer a psychological break, or so her brother had informed me in a very angry, violent conversation over the phone right after I’d been released to go home. 

I’d spoken to Danneel’s mother yesterday and she’d informed me that Danneel was receiving treatment closer to her home town in Louisiana in a much nicer, if a little bit professional tone. The doctors there thought the break was due to the imbalance of hormones in her system caused by the fertility treatments she had been having. Oh, and stress. For some reason, Danneel’s mother took pity on me. She mentioned that even though stress didn’t help the situation, it had played a very small part in comparison to the fertility treatments and her unsuccessful attempts at conceiving a baby.

I still couldn’t quite let myself off of the hook, even having been pardoned by her mother. As soon as I was healed enough to drive, I planned on making time to visit with Mrs. Graul and maybe even Danneel if she was ready to have visitors. I knew all too well that the divorce was solid this time, but I still couldn’t shake the feeling of being responsible for pushing Danneel closer to the deep end. She might have meant to harm me, but I would’ve never wished her any real pain.

Y/N was still furious with Danneel who had confessed to running her off the road and into the ravine. A dark, unpopulated ravine that she’d been at the bottom of for nearly a week. Add on top of that the vandalism of her barn, and Y/N had every reason to press every charge possible, but she’d dropped them when she found out that Danneel wasn’t mentally well. She’d told me right before bed the night before that she didn’t want to make a bad situation worse. Plus, it was kind of hard to point fingers at someone who’d had such a hard time adjusting that they had a meltdown.

Once the media got a hold of the story, some negative Tweets and articles had already been released. Some of the Supernatural fandom were not very happy with me. They blamed me for Danneel’s mental break, and I couldn’t say I blamed them. The suits at the CW said not to worry, that the negative press would settle soon. They’d even tacked on that my drama had actually benefited the show being renewed. Bad attention, is still attention. Ugh! I felt used, but at least the crew would still have a job the longer they stayed on tv.

I sighed, feeling the tension building back up in my chest. It had only been momentarily alleviated by Y/N’s earlier animated conversation about how beautiful our hometown was. As she’d leaned into my shoulder, and nowhere else because I was a fucking china doll, she’d reminisced in a way that didn’t completely depress her. It was new, this lighter side of her talking about childhood hang outs and memories of us as high schoolers. 

No matter how many times she returned to Dallas, and even though my parents had moved to a new house a few years before, the first couple of days always hit her like a sledgehammer. Especially if she tries to talk about her family. Now though, she seemed relaxed and happy to be here. She’d come back upstairs a couple of times ready to discuss a conversation that she’d had with my parents. There were little tidbits of information that she’d never known about her mom until my Mom had shared with her.

Maybe I’d be able to summon the inner strength to ask her what had changed.

She had disappeared about an hour ago and the book I was trying to read wasn’t holding my attention for longer than 5 minute increments. 

Ever since I’d arrived home I’d been battling the nervous, possibly manic energy that was buzzing beneath my skin the longer I was forced to sit still. There were so many things that needed to be done for the show and I’d had to fight with both my Mom and Y/N so that I could leave to do voice work next week. They’d eventually given in when I told them that it was going to be done locally and for short amounts at a time. Even being able to do voice work in the very near future didn’t really quell it.

The crew had made changes as soon as they knew my recovery would be extended. They had left me out of several scenes and used my stunt guy to fill in where they couldn’t. I hated the strain this put on my friends. 

Singer had tried to comfort me with the fact that it was only a couple of episodes and then they would break for Christmas. I wasn’t comforted. I hated anything that would possibly take away from the shows full potential and the family that was there.

You’d think the nervous energy would be completely cancelled out by the depressive episode of gargantuan proportions. It was obvious with my unwillingness to get out of bed or eat or to bathe myself with anything more complicated than a baby wipe down. I could actually feel myself sinking deeper and deeper, even with taking my antidepressant regularly. I could recognize it but I couldn’t do anything about it without feeling overwhelmed and defeated.

I had been at the end of my rope a few nights ago and finally caved. I told Y/N a shortened version of what was going on with me, omitting my worries about her because I didn’t want to give her more things to worry about. She had listened patiently but she hadn’t tried to soothe me with putting her hands on my face or giving me a look of pity. 

She chose a scientific explanation that put me at ease faster than a generic, ‘I’m sorry, baby.’ She’d simply explained that sometimes anesthesia and the sedatives would mix up the normal balance of brain chemicals. That I should just try to take it easy until they balanced themselves out, but I didn’t know just how much more I could take.

Bored by the book I was trying to read and filled to the brim with hopelessness, I fell asleep. Sleeping was my only escape. It was the only way I could stop the voices in my head telling me how much I’d fucked up. That I was letting everyone that I’d ever cared about down.

^*^*^*^*^*^*^

I wasn’t sure how long I’d been asleep the next time I woke up, but it was a pleasant wake up. Y/N face was leaning down so that she was eye level, a private smile on her face and a little blush on her cheeks. It looked like maybe she had been able to be outside for a little while and gotten some sun on her face.

“Hey.” She whispered like speaking too loud would disturb the room. As I slowly became more conscious, I noted that she’d opened the blinds to let some sun it. It glowed brightly against the beige carpet in the room, reflecting an ethereal glow on her face. 

“Hey.” I croaked, lifting a hand to push the hair hanging in her face behind her ear. She leaned down a little further to kiss my nose and then my lips, bringing a small smile out.

“I’ve run a bath for you.”

And… the moment was gone. “A bath?” A bath required energy. A bath meant I’d need help getting in and out. A bath sounded terrible.

“Yeah.” She sat down on the edge of the bed, probably seeing my face fall. “I’ll do all the work. All you have to do is stay awake.”

“I don’t want you to do all the work.” I grumped, groaning quite dramatically as I sat up. “I don’t want you to have to do anything.”

“Would you rather your Mom helped?” Dirty. She played dirty. She deduced the answer by the appalled twist to my expression. “Maybe we could have a little fun.”

I lifted an eye brow in question, wondering if Y/N had lost her mind while I’d been sleeping. It was a tiny bit enticing but absolutely not while my parents were still in the house. That would just be weird. Plus, I wasn’t exactly in shape to be doing acrobatics in the garden tub.

“Your parents are gone shopping for some last minute Christmas things. They’ll probably be gone…” She checked the phone she’d been carrying in her right hand. “For the next two hours.”

And, there went most of my excuses.

I didn’t cave one bit, my face a study in extreme grumpiness, as she walked close beside me while I hobbled into the upstairs bathroom. Even as I saw the bath tub full of bubbles and surrounded by a couple of candles that had to be left over from Mackenzie, I remained against this whole thing. It was one thing for me to help her shower all last summer. It was completely another for her to do the same. 

I loved her and I wanted to be her safety and her security. I couldn’t very well do that while she was washing my ass for me.

To Y/N’s credit, she never lost the smile on her face or the genuine care she put into getting me into the tub. Which, if I were in the mood to be honest, it wasn’t as complicated as I’d thought it would be. It didn’t even hurt as much as I thought it would, but I still would’ve preferred some damn baby wipes or a sink bath to this. I could already be napping again by now. I was already a little breathless from the ten feet I’d just crossed to get to the bathroom.

A thought occurred to me as I got lost watching her take her clothes off, neatly folding them up on the counter next to what I assumed were my clean clothes. (Because I hadn’t even thought about grabbing any) But, maybe she was pushing this bath because she was tired of sleeping next to someone that (maybe, possibly) didn’t smell too fresh. The reasons didn’t even really matter that much. I was in the tub now. Might as well be fucking clean.

“Sit up a little.” She helped by pushing my shoulders forward and then slipped in behind me, her legs spread wide to frame mine. “Okay, now lean back.” I carefully leaned back and despite my issue with being the little spoon, I had to admit that it felt good. I closed my eyes and breathed deep, the water gently lapping around us and her arms encircled around my chest so I wouldn’t slide down.

This was nice and quiet, the firm hold around my chest chased a bit of the crazy anxious feeling away. Y/N knew exactly what I was doing and the possibility of her not knowing hadn’t crossed my mind besides being a grumpy asshole.

I didn’t even have to move when she began soaping my hair with shampoo, using a cup to wet my hair and then rinse it. I begrudgingly had to admit, if only to myself, that having my hair washed felt fucking fantastic. I relaxed further, humming as I let my full weight lean against her, as she massaged my scalp with firm fingers.

Her chuckle vibrated against my back, making a relaxed smile slowly spread on my lips. “You and your hair.”

I cocked an eyebrow even though she couldn’t see it, “What do you mean, ‘you and your hair?’” My voice grumbled an octave or two deeper because I was on the cusp of falling asleep.

“All anyone has to do to wipe that grumpy look on your face is put their fingers in your hair. I’m not sure you can have your hair cut in public with the noises that you make. You might get arrested for being indecent.”

“What?” I tensed up a little, only because what she was describing wasn’t very manly at all. I couldn’t help the character traits that I held to so rigidly. “I do fine in public thank you very much.” I had evolved since I’d grown up in Texas and made sure to never extend anything but support, especially to those that chose to challenge the world’s expectations and dared to be exactly who they were. I admired their strength, but I was still stuck living by my Dad’s southern expectations and it was a lot easier to be understanding of someone else than it was to be understanding of myself.

“Shhh…” Her fingers slid down to dig deeply into my intensely tight neck muscles after she’d rinsed my hair thoroughly. I instantly forgot what I was ruffled about. “I didn’t mean to get your hackles up, Ackles. You’re still a big tough guy if that’s what you want to be.”

She got a grunt in response, mostly because I didn’t want to get into another discussion about how I hold myself to too many rigid self-expectations. Oh yes, she had made her point several times, but I just couldn’t stop. The anxiety that I’d been trying to fight since childhood always managed to make me fixate on my flaws. All through Days of Our Lives and Dark Angel, I would spend hours rehearsing and trying to have my line delivery perfect. When I would lay down at night, all the times I’d failed would keep me from sleeping well, including the time I’d failed to get a big part in the kindergarten play. I took a big breath and let it go, relaxing back into her warm, soft body.

I let myself drift in and out of consciousness, letting her hands wash away all the eck that had built up while I was laid up. Y/N had clipped her nails short so that she could massage my skin as she washed everywhere thoroughly, pushing the painful toxins and leaving me basically a pile of jelly. Damn it felt good. She cleared her throat, a tell that she had something important to say, and I braced myself for what would come next.

“You can’t do this to me again, okay?” She began to whisper, her warm breath and lips tickling the back of my neck and setting off goosebumps as she swiped the wash cloth over my healing incision. I hummed in answer, trying to maintain this relaxed state for as long as possible, but let her know I was listening. “You get a free pass for this one, but anything after this, there will be consequences.” I grunted, unable to conjure up enough energy to form words. “I won’t be able to handle it again, Jay. I never wanted to be close to anyone after my parents. But then, there you were. I will never be able to survive a day without you alive on this Earth somewhere, and that terrifies me.”

The sound of her sniffling brought me back to Earth, her words processing clearly. I laid my head back, held up by her shoulder as I searched blindly for her lips. My eyes were still closed as I instinctively found them. I was afraid if I opened my eyes that she would see the fear in mine as well. Not because of her threat of retribution and consequences, but the horrifying thought that if something happened to me she wouldn’t survive.

They were salty from tears when she pressed her lips against mine. I turned the kiss into something needy, something that expressed the vulnerable thing inside me with her name on it, without words. I wanted to pull her into my lap and hold her close but the internal sutures kept me from moving very much at all.

“M’not goin’ anywhere.” I pressed the words into her willing lips, my tongue easing in to glide over her teeth and then battle for dominance with her tongue.

“Okay,” she whispered on an inhale, her fingers teasing my happy trail below the surface. I was already responding to her kisses, my dick already filling with blood and half hard. I couldn’t help the grunt that was muffled by our lips when her fingers lightly grazed me. My eyes squeezed closed even tighter against the emotion that was stirring turmoil in my chest. The bath and the tease of something more made sense now. She wanted to put her hands on me to feel me alive and well. How could I ever have thought I’d be strong enough to begrudge her that.

From then on her touches were done with more intent, her fingers teasing my shaft only to go lower and gently roll my balls and hold them in her palm. I was gonna be a quick trigger and I couldn’t even bring myself to feel self-conscious about it. I hadn’t even put my own hand on me since a few days before my surgery. I hadn’t even thought of this since I’d been home, too distracted by the pain.

But, fuck if it didn’t feel good now. I was already panting hard, my head feeling dizzy from my short breaths and limited oxygen intake. I tried to turn around so that I could touch and taste more of her, but she stopped me with her hands pressing firmly against my pecks to keep me still. “Stay like this. This is just for you.”

I didn’t like being the only one on the receiving end. I got a lot of my pleasure from watching her feel good. I loved how responsive she was. I loved the noises that she made and how she would finally just let go and feel it. However, I had to admit that what she was doing, the being in control? Fuck, that was hot, too.

I finally had to stop trying to kiss her, leaning my head back and tucking my nose into the crook in her neck just so that I could breathe her scent into my lungs. I felt her other hand leave my side a moment and the sound of a thick liquid being squeezed from a bottle. It didn’t really register until her hand was slicking up my cock with a lubricant. It was oil based so that it didn’t wash off right away, removing the friction that water made uncomfortable. The warm, wet sensation was overwhelming and I couldn’t help the groan as I pushed my face further into her skin.

This time she didn’t tease, sensing my urgency in the twitch of my hips, her hand firm as she began pumping with purpose. I was already desperate, my breath started to get caught in my throat and hitch in my chest. 

“Relax, let me do all the work.” She whispered like a dirty, dirty porn star and put pressure on my hip to try to keep me still. The action resulting in a moan from deep in my throat, a thrill of pleasure crawling up my spine. Fuck it was hot that she was bossing me around a little.

She would bring me right to the edge, my toes curling in the water, before she’d ease off. I could hardly stay still or hold in the vulnerable moans that echoed in the acoustics of the bathroom. I couldn’t help but to thrust into her hand as much as she would allow, planting my feet and trying to get the most out of every single one. To keep from sliding down, my hands were leaving finger print bruises as I gripped her thighs for dear life. Fuck! 

“Oh, fuck. Oh, god-. …gonna… Sweetheart, I’m gonna-. Oh, fuck!” When she finally let me come it felt like months’ worth of come was dragged out of me in long, hard pulses. My balls clamped down so hard that they were actually sore when I could bring myself to give a fuck. To be honest, I didn’t know what I said, my mind blown and focused on just one thing, babbling the words that just rolled out of my mouth without a filter. There may have been curse words or multiple praises for unknown deities and moans that might’ve sounded like I was dying. All I really knew was that my throat was a little dry when I could finally focus on the room.

The orgasm had turned my entire body into jelly, my legs and arms were like limp noodles. I hissed through my teeth, my dick still very sensitive, when she washed the lubricant off with a warm, soapy wash cloth. God, as much as I’d complained and tried to convince Y/N that this wasn’t a good idea, I had to admit to myself that I had been wrong. 

Even though I had been a grumpy ass, she had still been able to take care of me so completely that mixed in with the orgasmic haze was a hell of a lot of gratitude.

Getting me out of the bath tub and dried off would probably be a funny story later, but I was too relaxed to care. I could feel the dopey smile on my face as Y/N laughed at me while I leaned almost my entire weight into her side. “Whoo…” We listed to the left and to the right a little because my brain was mostly out of the building. 

“Alright, chuckles, hang on for me for just a minute longer.” She kind of sounded like I was probably killing her back, but my center of gravity depended on her.

When we finally made it safely to the bedroom and into bed, she took great care as she tucked me in. She pulled the comforter up to beneath my chin and dipped to kiss my lips one more time. 

It was pure luck that I was able to work my hand and to grab onto her shirt before she could get up to leave. She returned the big, dumb smile I could feel on my face. “Stay.”

The amused smile on her kiss swollen lips turned soft as she answered me with a kiss to my forehead. “Okay.” I watched blearily as she ditched her blue jeans and bra, climbing and snuggling up close next to me in just a t shirt and her blue lace panties. She laid up against me, but put her arm over my chest to avoid my incision, tucking her face beside mine, sharing my pillow. “Love you.”

I pressed my lips into her forehead, staying there as I fell into a few deep, quality hours of sleep. “Love you, too.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jensen gets a little fluffy help from his friends.

Come Back Down Part 22

I barely acknowledged the footsteps coming up the stairs anymore. I’d gotten used to listening to the sounds of my parent’s household again. There wasn’t much else I could do when I was lying there trying to sleep in the dark. It sounded like more than one person was coming up and I wondered if it was my Mom checking on me again.

I sighed, gearing up for another one of Mom and Dad’s interventions. They’d pretty much done everything but dance like monkeys and it was starting to get a little painful. My parents, more than anyone, tried to bring me around to being my normal self. The whole pretending that I didn’t feel like crap was painful.

When the door opened, I was a little shocked to see Jared walking through, followed by Y/N. She was strangely dressed, for her anyway. She was wearing a pair of tight fitting jean cutoffs that she probably hadn’t even seen since high school. There was black, thick eye liner, sparkly eye shadow on her eyes and red lipstick on her lips. Her y/c/h hair was pulled back into a pony tail, which was normal enough, a natural, happy blush on her cheeks. What was not normal was the red, low cut halter top that hugged her curves like it’s life depended on it and the aviators that sat atop her head.

Jared on the other hand was wearing a tight blue shirt and wind pants, a strangely constipated yet happy villain grin on his face. He was also wearing aviators and I instantly thought of Top Gun since Y/N and I had watched it last night.

“Jared. I swear to god. What have you done now?” Last time he looked like that, there was a massive flood from a clogged toilet in my trailer! The man had laughed gleefully when I’d found the mess.

Jared just grinned and turned to look at Y/N on his right. “You know what, Y/N? It sounds like Jensen’s lost it.” 

Great way to cheer me up, assholes.

The smile on her face looked like it might take over her entire face, “Whatever do you mean, Jared?”

He winked at her and she smiled wider, like the smarter side kick of a Bond villain before she turned to look at him, her hip cocked to the side. Her fist lifted to her mouth, a cucumber in her grip like a microphone. I was incredibly baffled to say the least.

“You never close your eyes anymore, when I kiss your lips.” She sang as I watched her shifting her hips from side to side before Jared jerked on what I now recognized as tear away pants to reveal tighty whities and knobby knees. Thighs in desperate need of some fucking sun.

Fuck, my eyes!

“You brought this all on your own, bitch.” Jared grinned when I flinched and partially covered my eyes before he started bobbing his head to an invisible beat, a cucumber also in his hand. “And there’s no tenderness, like before in your fingertips!” Jared had a nice singing voice, but it was not what was coming out of his mouth right now and I fought the urge to cover my ears.

Together, back to back and gesturing dramatically, hands to their chest, they belted more lyrics before pointing at me. “You’re trying hard not to show it, but baby! Baby, I know it!!”

Then, I jumped as Misha came busting into the room dressed in drag, singing loudly off key to join Y/N and Jared in terrible harmony, “You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’. Whoa-oh, that lovin’ feelin’! You’ve lost that lovin’ feelin’. Now it’s gone gone gone. Whoa-oh-oh-oh!” It reminded me of a bunch of drunk idiots doing karaoke except these idiots weren’t drunk.

It took me a long second to realize that Misha was singing into a bright pink dildo.

I was too dumbfounded to make a freaking peep, my mouth surely hanging open. I spared a second to think about my medication schedule. Was it possible that I’d taken too many narcotics? Was I fucking hallucinating?

Then, as if I thought that it couldn’t get any weirder, Rob walked in. His hair held back in some boeuf by a wide blue head band. For some reason he was wearing a workout outfit. Complete with calf high blue striped socks and bright blue Keds. Despite everyone else’s massacre of the melody, Rob couldn’t help but to sing in tune, but ruined the normalcy by prancing around, knees kicking high. “There’s no welcome look in your eyes when I reach for you.” Rob winked, hand on his hip as he too bounced to the beat only the crazy assed people in my room could hear.

I tried to remain stoic, my best Dean Winchester ‘fuck you very much’ bitch face securely present on my face as I watched the insanity unfold.

“And you’re starting to criticize everything that I do!” Misha belted, flipping the blond wig he was wearing dramatically, bouncing on his feet in his black sun dress covered in yellow sunflowers. It wasn’t surprising that Misha wasn’t unsteady on the black kitten heels he was wearing.

“Christ on a cracker.” I muttered to keep the laugh that was bubbling up in my chest from slipping out as my friends danced around each other like they were at freakin Woodstock with flowers in their hair. They were making fools of themselves to make me feel better and despite my annoyed expression I felt the love down to my bones.

“It makes me just feel like cryin’!” Jared squeaked out, grabbing Y/N up easily and sitting her on his shoulder. She nearly hit her head on the ceiling but she still laughed hysterically. A bright warmth from the sight blooming in my chest. Fuck, I loved her so damn much.

Both Rob and Misha leaned in to croon into the pink, obscenely wobbling dildo. “Cause baby! Something beautiful is dying!” 

Again, they all sprang into motion, dancing around the bed and each other and hooking arms and swinging each other around to sing the chorus in a cacophony of horrible noise like a gaggle of alley cats fighting.

Jared spun Y/N around one more time before resting her gently back to her feet. I appreciated the care Jared took with her, despite his obvious excitement and possible gummy candy over load. For a gargantuan sasquatch, my best friend could show the most caution with people he towered over.

But then she fell to her knees on the bed and my thoughts were momentarily sidetracked. She leaned forward and I could see the top her beautiful breasts. “Baby, baby, I get down on my knees for you.”

“If you would only love me, like you used to doooo, yeah!” Rob crooned close to my ear, much closer than I’d noticed him before.

Jared bounced on the bed and clutching his heart, making me suppress a wince, their proximity making me a little nervous despite my extreme amusement. I didn’t want pain to filter through my medication. “We had a love, a love, a love you don’t find every day!”

“So don’t! Don’t! Don’t! Let it slip away!” Misha was now skipping around the small room like he was in his own little world and again and it made me fight hard to suppress my outward amusement.

Rob and Jared traded ‘Baby’s’, Y/N interjecting ‘I need your love’s.’ Robs voice smooth and in tune and Jared’s squawking like the giant awkward bird he swore he wasn’t. He was obviously having way too much fun, his face a little red with the laughter he was holding in as he fell onto his side. He hiked his knee up in a mockery of a pin up pose, looking extremely ridiculous in his freakin white underwear. It didn’t help when he started tapping his foot.

There was a reason that the man wore an underwear brand named Saxx and to be honest, I didn’t really like being reminded of this fact.

There was one more disjointed chorus as they all finally fell apart. Y/N and Jared collapsed on the bed. Her head landing on Jared’s stomach but I didn’t have a second to get jealous when the both turned fond expressions in my direction. 

My friend’s inexplicably, despite my grumpy nature, obviously loved me and I joined in, although a little painful, when the entire room dissolved into laughter. I heard my Mom’s applause from the doorway and I heard her telling them sternly as everyone but Y/N exited the room after their well wishes, “You’re staying for dinner. I won’t hear anything else.”

Everyone agreed readily. Jared’s drawled “Yes, mam,” making my mom blush and smack his arm with a fond smile as he passed.

When everyone was mostly out the door I carefully avoided jostling my incision, and pulled Y/N in with an elbow around her neck, a big grin on my face. I kissed the top of her head as she squirmed to get out of my headlock which I relinquished quickly. “You’re insane, you know that?”

“Didja like it?” She was beaming, obviously proud of herself with her flush, rosy cheeks and I knew immediately that she was responsible for the strange performance that had just taken place.

“I did. I did.” I tried to match the wattage of her smile, but my facial muscles working harder than they had in weeks. “But… why did Jared have to wear tighty whities? I’d love some bleach for my brain. I hope you don’t want me to eat anytime soon.”

She laughed at my joke, because she was just amazing like that before answering with an equally momentarily bothered look on her face. “No, the Magic Mike pants were all Jared’s idea.”

*****

By the time dinner time came around, I’d sloooooowly made my way down the stairs into the dining room, and everyone was already gathering there.

The extension leaf had been installed into the family dining room table making it a long rectangle so that everyone present could fit. The table also had Lazy Susan’s installed so it was easier to feed a large crowd such as this one. 

Misha was here with his wife Vickie and they were cute to observe as they leaned in close into each other’s personal space. Even though Misha was still wearing is drag costume for reasons no one really knew why. It was mostly that Misha liked getting a rise out of anyone he could cajole. 

Of course Genevieve was here with Jared without the kiddos. Gen looked beautiful as usual done up in a little black dress and full make up. She reminded me of Danneel and I wondered what Gen thought about the divorce. Selfishly, I wondered what exactly she thought about me screwing up her best friend’s life.

Rob was seated next to someone whom was not his ex-wife, but a pretty woman with blond hair and grey blue eyes that matched well with the charcoal sweater she was wearing. It was good to see that Rob was actually getting out there instead of dragging his ex-wife around because he couldn’t let her go even if she was the one who called it quits.

There were my parents who looked a little worse for wear but were smiling politely at everyone. They practiced Southern hospitality to a fault, but I didn’t think having my friends were a burden to them. It was probably lost sleep over my surgery and almost dying that kept them awake at night. Boy, I had really screwed the pouch this time.

Y/N had saved me a seat beside them and she sat next to Jared who was keeping his hands to himself and behaving for once. Even after their little performance fueled by candy and energy drinks to produce such phrenic energy. I liked to call Jared a Gremlin when he got into those extreme hyper moods. I’d question in the general vicinity of ground zero “Alright, who gave the kid candy? You know he shouldn’t have gummies past 5pm or he turns into this!” That always got some giggles from the crew and a momentary scowl from Jared before he loped off to get into more shit.

 

Y/N sat across from the mystery woman and seemed to be in an amusing discussion if their laughs were anything to judge by. That was until she noticed that I’d made it down the stairs to join them and smiled encouragingly.

It was a full house and I couldn’t say that I enjoyed being seen so gimpy and weak, but on the other hand the support from my family and friends I considered family was definitely appreciated. I liked being able to observe my friends quietly. They were all so very weird on their own, but together, we made a great group of lifelong friends. I was proud of them.

There were many large dishes placed evenly on the Lazy Susan’s and interspersed with bread baskets. I was a little more excited to be here when I realized that this was BBQ and brisket from my favorite place. My Mom must’ve gotten it catered and I was grateful that no one had gone through the trouble to cook.

“There’s my boy!” Mom was up as soon as she noticed me, taking my face in her hands to assess me like she’d been doing this entire time. Then, as I predicted, she kissed my forehead and smiled. The way she lingered told me she was checking for fever, which made me feel five years old. Unfortunately, I hadn’t really proven my maturity by almost neglecting myself to death. So I grinned and bared it when she made a production of guiding me to my seat by putting her hand on my back like I might fall.

“Hey, you.” When I sat down Y/N leaned in close to give me a chaste kiss on the lips of which everyone noticed and whooped and hollered like a bunch of Neanderthals. She smiled brightly like I was the most important person in the room, her sparkling y/c/e eyes also taking a moment to assess my overall wellbeing before taking my hand in a solid grip. For a moment, it was like we were the only two people in the room. And, as much as I enjoyed my friends’ company and their humor, I kind of wished it was just us still. 

The yelling and cajoling broke the bubble and I felt blush rise to my cheeks but then had to laugh because Y/N just stuck her tongue out at everyone, unabashedly comfortable around my friends.

Everyone returned to their own conversations after a quick laugh and a few fond smiles. Unfortunately, it was the din of their voices that pinged at my patience, making it hard to concentrate on any one person or thought. I found myself getting more and more irrationally irritated as the minutes passed on. 

Frustrated beyond belief, I sighed heavily and sagged back a little in my seat, wincing when the movement pulled my internal sutures. You’d think that my anxious tendencies would’ve slacked off with all of the ‘rest’ I was getting, but it was actually a little worse. It made me irritable and jumpy and very difficult to concentrate on any one thing.

“It’s a little overwhelming.” The woman sitting across from me with the blond hair spoke only loud enough to be heard. “All of this love and worry. It’s like they’re smothering you, right?”

I lifted my eyebrow in question, because I didn’t know her, but her assessment was right on target.

“I’m Teri, by the way.” She reached across the table and I shook her hand. Her hand was soft against mine and I noted a sweet scent that was probably her lotion. “I had a procedure done about a month ago and this guy nearly sent me into an intractable panic attack.” She motioned to Rob who was in a heated debate with Jared about some nerdy movie and not paying attention at the moment.

I cracked a smile finally, some simple words of acknowledgement from a stranger making me relax further into the high back, mahogany chair. “Nice to meet you, Teri. You would be right. All of these people here are my best friends but I kind of want to hide under the table.”

Teri smiled ruefully, “Yeah, sure. That wouldn’t be strange at all.” 

“I dunno. I don’t think they’d notice if we went missing.” The idea of disappearing was truly a great idea, but then the food started to be passed around and the noise toned down. To be honest I just wanted to grab Y/N and run until it was just the two of us for miles and miles. The reality was that even going on a vacation after this would be a long time away from now and after I caught up on everything from shooting to conventions.

I took another deep breath, noting that everything looked delicious, and even though my appetite was still very touch and go, I put a little bit of everything on my plate. All except the cucumber salad, which triggered horrid visions of Jared in his underwear from earlier. Seriously, I didn’t need any help killing my appetite, dude.

Teri, who must’ve noticed the look I’d given the salad asked, “What’s wrong with cucumbers?”

The question actually made me laugh out loud as I thought further about the ridiculousness that had just happened thirty minutes prior. “God, if you’d seen what I saw earlier you wouldn’t want any either.”

“Oh, I heard it. I’m just glad there isn’t a pink dildo as a center piece.” Teri smiled good naturedly when the witty comment made me continue to laugh. My abdomen was going to be so fucking sore tonight.

“Jay, what the fuck, I thought you loved my cucumber?!” Jared yelled in the perfect rendition of a petulant child as he crossed his arms over his chest, his facial expression one of mock indignation. Oh there were so many things I wanted to say to the challenging spark in his eyes. Probably something about the girth and my virgin ass or him not knowing how to use it, but I decided that being drugged wouldn’t get me out of my mother’s disappointment.

“Jared!” Y/N gasped, resting a hand on her chest, feigning extreme insult. “If Jensen is going to favor anyone’s cucumber, it’s going to be mine, understand?”

The comment caused another round of laughter around the table, and my mother still blushed heavily at what was implied but she did not issue a reproach.

 

That night, after the dinner and after everyone had gone to bed, I felt relaxed and mostly happy to be alive. I propped myself up on my pillows to wait as Y/N getting herself ready for bed. She probably would’ve just brushed her teeth and swabbed her face with witch hazel to be done with it. But today she had the heavy eyeliner and what was left of the lipstick after dinner to wash off. I loved that she didn’t normally cake her face with makeup. I loved her honesty and her attention to things that really mattered rather than putting something on her face that didn’t make much difference to me.

I let my memories from the dinner earlier bolster my good mood. Even though I was still a little sore, I felt a lot better from being around my friends and family. They reminded me that there is life outside of my old bedroom walls and continuous pain.

My friends were more like my family than any friends I’d had before. Except for Y/N that is, but she was the only exception. She’d always been my family. Everyone brought something different to the table. Jared was a prankster and could be an absolute douche, but he was also doggedly loyal. Rob was extremely thoughtful and good at reading my moods. He always seemed to have the right advice. 

Misha? Well Misha was the best at getting a laugh or a rise out of all different kinds of people. Even if it took dressing in drag and singing into a dildo, he would make a fool of himself to make someone smile. And the new girl, Teri, she seemed just as perceptive and thoughtful like Rob, but she was also witty and I enjoyed her candor. 

When Rob had been divorced he had been a wreck. From then on, I felt a little protective of the guy because he tended to wear his emotions on his sleeve. Teri challenged him and made him laugh, but the most convincing thing of all was the look in their eyes when they were looking at the other. That usually happened when one of them was turned away, like they were stealing glances at school yard crushes.

My thoughts then circled back around to Y/N, as always, and I remembered the flush on her cheeks and her bright shining eyes as she joined in on all the fuckery. These thoughts filled me with a profound feeling of being grateful for everyone and my chest swelled with warmth thinking about the reasons why. Tonight, I would finally get a good night’s sleep. Hopefully there would be no more waking up every couple of hours as my anxiety played tricks with me. Tomorrow, I would start trying to dig myself out of this hole.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, if you really liked this story, but can't find the words, buy a girl some coffee!
> 
>  
> 
> [Buy Me a Coffee](https://ko-fi.com/A881NND)


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